I was impressed by Odetteroulette's vivid description of sexism in her comment on RenaissanceLady's  must-read Reverse Sexism-A Response to  Jodi-Kasten's Blog  She kindly gave me permission to post it. I highly recommend reading RenaissanceLady's post and the thoughtful comments it elicited.

Odetteroulette:

I'm going to say this as carefully as possible, knowing it to be true and knowing this comment will get the fire of a few people. 

Let me start it this way: 

I do not know what it is like to be black. I can imagine. I can. I can imagine how terrible it is for my nephew, who is black, or my cousin, who is also black when they are called 'nigger' or 'boy.' When they are ostracized from certain circles. When they are treated differently because of the color of their skin. Still. In these times, it hurts to write 'still.' 

I have great empathy for their struggles. I want to right these wrongs. BUT I can never really know what it is like to be black in this country. I cannot know. 

And by the same token, if you are not female, or have not experienced sexist behavior, you cannot understand what it is. Not fully. You can empathize. You can shout to the rooftops with me that sexism is wrong, wrong. But you cannot fully ever know. Which is why I think some of you think it does not exist unless you make it come to you. 

That is an awful thing to say, but that you don't see that, while rather amazing, is understandable. You've never felt it. You have no idea. And so, you don't have to believe it. Because you do not believe it has affected you. Although you are somewhat wrong about that. Sexism does affect us all, just not the same way.

Sometimes, sexism is like a cold breeze on your skin. You walk into a workplace, into an academic conversation (in my case) and subtly, quietly, the conversation always shifts away from your remarks. Or, worse, you're in a class, and you make a comment. The teacher nods and moves on. Five minutes later, the guy sitting next to you makes a comment. It's your comment from five minutes ago. The teacher says, How brilliant! How amazing. You think, am I invisible? This happens repeatedly. Finally, you point it out. You say, I said that a few minutes ago. After class, your fellow classmates, men and women, gang up on you to tell you that you were disruptive. You wonder if it's you, but then, you hear from other women that this exact same scenario happens all the time to them, to their friends, all women. 

Your coworker keeps looking at your chest and making remarks. When you finally complain, your boss says, Well, you need to wear less revealing clothing, completely ignoring the fact that you are wearing clothing up to your neck. Should you cover your face as well? The harassment from the guy continues. You finally file a formal complaint. He gets promoted in the next round. You get a five cent raise. Did I mention he comes to work stoned often and leaves early while you work your ass off always and stay late?

You are working in the same office with two men, both hired after you, one fairly good at his job, the other not so much. Both get promotions while you continue on in that department. If you make comments to your boss, you suddenly get no raises. Then, soon, you are let go. Budget cuts. Except no one else is let go. The two men get promoted again. 

You are told by your math teacher in 7th grade that girls aren't good at math. You believe him. He's so adamant. You stop studying, despite your good grades in previous math classes, because, no matter how well you do on the work, he still gives you a C. Even when the problems are right. You're a female. You're bad at math.

You are in a band with a bunch of men. They tell you that women don't play musical instruments as well. When you have a list, they say those are exceptions. When you point out that it only became really acceptable for women to play up front in the last few years, they say that doesn't count. 

You go to a party with a guy. In the midst of conversation with other men, you find that no one is listening to your words. They might comment to your guy but not to you. You try to join in and everyone ignores you. A bunch. You get angry and inject yourself forcefully into the conversation. They are cold. Your boyfriend is furious and tells you on the way home that you are "strident" and "harpy-like." 

And so it goes. It's the subtle understanding that you are less. That you aren't as important as the person with a penis standing next to you. Even if you don't accept it. Even if you don't believe it. Even if you fight it with every ounce of your being. So, please don't tell me I "cause" it, because I'm "expecting" it. Shame on anyone who says that. I don't expect it. But it happens about 85% of the time whether I expect it or not.