I travel a lot and because of this I hold frequent flyer cards for pretty much every airline. When United and Continental announced their merger I received the following letter from them via email. I have taken it upon myself to lend them my editing skills since it appears they mistakenly sent out the first draft.

Dear Mr. Matthew Davis,

Today we announced that United Airlines and Continental Airlines will combine to create the world’s leading airline cluster fuck, offering unmatched benefits and opportunities for business and leisure travelers and frequent flyers to arrive at their final destination late and without their luggage.

More Access to More Destinations
The new airline will be called United Airlines and will offer exceptional international gateways to Asia Boy Love, Europe Healthcare and Weed, Latin America Human Trafficking and the Middle East Terrorism from anywhere in the United States of American the home of Freedom and Jesus. Among other things, Continental’s fuel-efficient fleet tiny uncomfortable turbulance ridden archaic fleet, New York hub and extensive Latin American Human Trafficking routes, will combine with United’s excellent domestic hub structure domestic cluster fuck of luggage flying randomly without regard to where the passenger is going, Pacific routes and leading global brand.

The airline will have ten hubs, including hubs in the four largest U.S. cities. The new airline will serve fuck over, delay, irritate, and over charge 144 million customers per year as it flies schedules and attempts to fly to 370 destinations in 59 countries, even the commie ones. We will also continue to provide service to all of the communities that United or Continental currently serve fuck over, delay, irritate, and over charge, including more than 140 small metropolitan areas and communities.

Shared Commitment to Performance and Service
Our new airline cluster fuck will combine our shared commitment to customer service overcharging and underserving the sad serfs upon which our monopoly heaves exorbitant fees with industry-leading on-time performance . We will be positioned to invest in globally competitive products fuck over everyone , upgrade technology purchase brakes and seats that didn’t come out of a van, refurbish and replace paint and febreze older aircraft, and implement best-in-class practices the usual procedures of both airlines cluster fucks. Our combined airline cluster fuck will have the most modern, fuel-efficient fleet (adjusted for cabin mix) and 75 new technology planes on order.

Enhanced Redemption Options
After the merger this scam closes, which is expected to occur near cause the end of the year days, you will participate in the industry’s leading forced into our loyalty program camp. Your miles in both programs continue to be valid worthless and cannot be used; as stated by according to existing program rules. After the merger this scam closes, we plan to combine ignore our loyalty programs. And when that happens, your miles in both programs will be combined into one account and ignored. And you will continue to experience the benefits delays of Star Alliance, including attempts at service to more than 1,000 destinations potential crash sites, more connecting opportunities chances to have your luggage sent to 7 different cities, additional scheduling flexibility opportunities to get bumped and access to reciprocal revokable frequent flyer and airport lounge benefits with Star Alliance’s 24 other member airlines cluster fucks around the world.

Based on our ongoing codeshare and joint venture partnerships and collaboration in Star Alliance, attempt at a monopoly we are confident that we can successfully and seamlessly integrate our companies continue to take your government’s money as a bailout, pay ourselves massive bonuses, ignore the need for proactive security procedures, and laugh as we over charge for seats that may or may not be available at the time of purchase. Until the merger this scam closes, United and Continental will operate independently as pretend competitors and remain focused on improving ignoring your flying experience.

As for now, enjoy all the benefits red tape and false promises of Mileage Plus, which was named the “Best Frequent Flyer Program” by the readers of Global Traveler Magazine people we payed to vote for us. Recently, we’ve made the program even better more convoluted by introducing One Way Awards, our Miles and Money Awards program and Hotel and Car Rental redemption options.

What’s Next
Although announced today, the merger this scam is subject to the approval of United and Continental shareholders, as well as regulatory clearance and certain other closing conditions us taking several senators out on our private yacht into the Atlantic so they can make love to boys purchased in South America. We are committed to obtaining the necessary approvals and clearances purchasing approvals with gifts of prostitution in a timely manner and hope to close the merger by the end of the year.

This announcement does not affect any travel today or in the near future that you may be planning on United or Continental as it was completely fucked way before any of this started. You can continue to make lose reservations for your travel and attempt redeem miles with your airline cluster fuck of choice, as well as continue to earn pay out the ass for miles with your Mileage Plus credit card. You will not have to redeem your miles before the merger cluster fuck is closed.

This is an exciting development fucking nightmare for all United and Continental customers, but especially for members of our loyalty programs. We will keep you updated on the status of the merger this scam and Mileage Plus developments, and you can also see the latest information onwww.UnitedContinentalmerger.com or on www.mileageplus.com.

We look forward to continuing to serve fuck you, lose your luggage, delay your flights, and generally ignore you after we have your money on United Airlines.