There is a war on Christmas is this country and I am sick of it.

I am sick of all the bah-humbugging Scrooge McDucks telling me there is no such thing as Santa. These “anti-Santa-ites” must be stopped.

First off, you cannot prove or disprove the existence of Santa.

You can’t even go to the North Pole. Sure, scientists can go there… but they do so with preconceived notions.

The man has the ability to travel around the entire world in a single night! Do you think he couldn’t create some sort of anti-detection, cloaking, geothermal, radiation shield out of some other really science-y sounding stuff so he couldn’t be detected? He has access to Elf Magic!

I know, that in 30 years of life and all the letters I’ve written to Santa, I’ve received about half of the things I’ve asked for – not always when I asked, but when Santa knew I was ready.

Sure, some people say that Santa was “just an invention of man as a way of controlling those of a puerile mind.” Was He though? Or was it that He just waited until He knew man was ready to know Him at which time he let mankind THINK they invented Him? ELF MAGIC! ELF-SUCK-IT-MAGIC!

I’m not asking other people to believe in Santa. I’m just tired of people telling me that I can’t believe in Santa. But if you choose not to believe just wait… just wait for December to roll around… see which Saturnalia you end up in the middle of on the 25th. If you don’t know the word there are two types… one meaning for the majuscule “S,” and one for the little bitty lower case “s.” And you, non-believers, will have the lower case, not the Festivus represented by the big, majuscule letter. The itty-bitty, fowl, lower case essed version, by the way, means “orgy.” And Elves don’t make orgies – because orgies don’t cost anything and elves, like all True Capitalists, only produce goods that carry a value to market.

Freedom ain’t Free… and while I don’t know what unalienable means, I do know that when Santa founded America and created the shopping mall – giving His Vicars an alter they could descend upon to hear the fanciful, trivial wishes of the good and believing boys and girls and fulfill them with toys made by filthy, mongrel, non-believing children – his message was: Love.

Well, some of it had to do with free enterprise, the continuation of the slave trade as the perfect model of lower wages inside a capitalistic system that only presupposes egalitarianism as an unachievable ideal to be sold to the populace to assure consumerism can be guised as individuality; all the while using that bastardized interpretation of an Enlightenment principle to hoodwink a citizenry into cubicle serfdom and internationalize supply-side economic theory, and play Hot Potato with labor across a participating bloc to build up third world markets by collapsing larger markets in a never ending game of what resembles a long-term, large-summed, multi-system version of check kiting.

But MOST of it was about Love.

So I ask you: Why? Why are you afraid to be loved? All you have to do is Believe… in Santa.