In an unprecedented turn of events what some are calling President Obama’s greatest political victory with the Right just made an Allemande left to promenade in a not-so-provincial progeria pandemic… or so the news sites are saying that their source is saying. I can’t seem to find a full transcript anywhere.
CNN appears to link to one but it is just a clever mechanism for refreshing the ads on the page.
I looked up the site many seem to quote (actually named “SITE” too; which is nice). SITE refers to itself as
“one of the leading providers of information and intelligence related to the jihadist threat”
and they will gladly let you know what they know for only $349 a year (for individuals – please contact them for Enterprise solutions). They further explain their
“SITE Monitoring Service for Individuals is designed for news buffs, bloggers, professors, students, and any individual with an interest in deeply understanding terrorism.”
They omit the implied “and is willing to give us 350 bucks to read press releases,” I assume, because it just got too wordy and lost the hip edge they created when using “news buffs.” So I was back to crosschecking quotations with no real idea of the order or validity of translation. But I’ll try to piece it together from the following more-than-reputable sources:
- Charisma Mag: I don’t know what this site is but I’m confident the people behind it would like to know all your emotional weaknesses so they figure out how to tie the bible into a video about them and sell it to you http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/news/30921-al-qaeda-vows-revenge-for-bin-ladens-death
- CNN: Masters of Ad Revenue http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/05/06/bin.laden.qaeda.comment/index.html
- The Guardian: the place I thought would actually have a transcript and ended up having the least quotations http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/06/osama-bin-laden-al-qaida
- Reuters: Notice the URL is “obama statement” Way to go tards. http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/05/06/us-obama-statement-idUSTRE74107920110506
- Al Jazeera: They didn’t seem to need any translation help from SITE. http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia/2011/05/201156125729467729.html
Making Sense of the Mystery Press Release:
“In a historic day for the great Islamic nation … the mujahid (holy warrior) Shiekh Abu Abdullah, Osama bin Mohammed bin Laden, God have mercy on him, was killed on the path taken by those before him and will be taken by others after him” (1)“Congratulations to the Islamic umma (community) for the martyrdom of its son Osama.” (1 quoting 4)
CNN adds:
al Qaeda will “continue on the path of jihad, the path walked upon by our leaders … without hesitation or reluctance.”“We will not deviate from that or change until Allah judges between us and between our enemy with truth. Indeed, He is the best of all judges. Nothing will harm us after that, until we see either victory and success and conquest and empowerment, or we die trying.”
The Guardian adds:
“We stress that the blood of the holy warrior sheikh, Osama bin Laden, God bless him, is precious to us and to all Muslims and will not go in vain.We will remain, God willing, a curse chasing the Americans and their agents, following them outside and inside their countries. Soon, God willing, their happiness will turn to sadness, their blood will be mingled with their tears.”
However, Reuters, SITE (via that creepy site #1), and Al Jazeera (the one with arabic readers) say
“IT” (Bin Laden’s blood that is) “will remain…”
not Al Qaeda. CNN skips the cryptic blood talk and says that Bin Laden’s death will serve as a curse. CNN also translates the second “God Willing” to mean “with help from Allah” which is kind of a presumptuous move since everyone else is saying God just has to give it a green light and all of sudden CNN wants to see him actually get involved.
CNN also edited the otherwise similarly reported:
“We call upon our Muslim people in Pakistan, on whose land Sheikh Osama was killed, to rise up and revolt to cleanse this shame that has been attached to them by a clique of traitors and thieves … and in general to cleanse their country from the filth of the Americans who spread corruption in it.”
To:
it urged Pakistanis “to cleanse this shame that has been attached to them by a clique of traitors and thieves” and “from the filth of the Americans who spread corruption in it.
Once again if was originally their Muslim people in Pakistan (that would be al Qaeda in Pakistan) and now CNN is making this a job for EVERYBODY in Pakistan… like they don’t have enough to do fighting food thieving monkeys they can’t shoot and whatever freak birth defect they just got done being the only place it has ever been reported… again. Furthermore, the call to action is to first “rise up and revolt” to cleanse the shame of Bin Laden being killed there because of a bunch of snitches and then Second to do a general bit of tiding up regarding the filth of the Americans (no doubt soda cans and lottery tickets are littered everywhere). CNN transitions that into meaning the American filth and snitches are part of the shame (Bin Laden’s death) that they need to cleanse (I agree they should bathe more) but negates the revolt to cleanse part which explains that more bathing isn’t an option (sadly).
Only Reuters took the moment to drop an al Qaeda promo for a Bin Laden EP about to drop:
“Before the sheikh passed from this world and before he could share with the Islamic nation in its joys over its revolutions in the face of the oppressors, he recorded a voice recording of congratulations and advice which we will publish soon, God willing”
And again only Reuters took the time to offer up the oopsy of the week:
“We warn the Americans not to harm the corpse of the sheikh or expose it to any indecent treatment or to harm any members of his family, living or dead, and to deliver the corpses to their families,”
And while all the editing and omissions were almost enough to make me exclude CNN from this, they were the only ones to offer this tid-bit:
“The soldiers of Islam, groups and individuals, will continue planning without tiredness or boredom, and without despair or surrender, and without weakness or stagnancy, until they cause the disaster that makes children look like the elderly!”
Which I assume they just made up because it’s hilarious.
In the spirit of what everyone else seems to be doing today, here’s a version of the Al Qaeda Press Release May 6 2011 re:Bin Laden Confirmed Dead targeted specifically to you:
In a historic day for the great Islamic nation … the mujahid (holy warrior) Shiekh Abu Abdullah, Osama bin Mohammed bin Laden (aka MC Bad Kidneys), God have mercy on him, was killed on the path taken by those before him and will be taken by others after him. Luckily, the week before the Shiekh passed he was in the studio cutting some new tracks we will release as soon as God puts down the playstation long enough to actually review the mix. We stress that the blood of the holy warrior sheikh, Osama bin Laden, God bless him, is precious to us and to all Muslims and will not go in vain… or vein, because we still have the machine he was hooked up to that has most of it and will be includeding a free vile of it in a pendant for all advance purchases of MC Bad Kidneys EP “Post-hummus-ly.”We warn the Americans not to harm the corpse of the sheikh or expose it to any indecent treatment, or to harm any members of his family, living or dead, and to deliver the corpses to their families. And WHATEVER you do DON’T THROW HIM IN THE OCEAN.If his beard gets wet after midnight we’re gonna wake up with 30 more of these guys and we’re already running out of doable wives as it is out here.But either way we’ve already decided, immediately following his reviewing of the EP mix, God is gonna drop a wicked-ass curse on every single American.The soldiers of Islam, groups and individuals, will continue planning without tiredness or boredom, and without despair or surrender, and without weakness or stagnancy, until they cause the disaster that makes children look like the elderly!YOU GONE HAVE OLD ASS BABIES!! And It’s gonna be your own fault!No, seriously, when MC BK was shot he transformed into a Jinn and invaded the body of one of your Navy Seal k-nines and is soooo gonna go around peeing on everything infecting the air with a special progeria causing virus that he has been formulating for years by swapping his blood out for that of progeria patients and eating nothing but Science Diet. HAHA! OLD… ASS… BABIES!This was his master plan all along!You foolish infidels!Allah Akbar… Death to America…Sincerely,Al QaedaP.S. Please tell the Beastie Boys we really dig the new album but don’t get the title.
It’s close enough to what they meant right?
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Judy Mandelbaum
Placebostudman
Kerry Lauerman
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