Life's not fair


Matt Paust

Matt Paust
Gloucester, Virginia,
December 31
Sorry - writer's block... BTW the "birthday" listed above is false. I prefer to keep that day private, but am not permitted to do so here, so I'm forced to lie.


JANUARY 25, 2011 10:12AM

The mess that is me - Ann Nichols's open call

Rate: 28 Flag

This began as a comment on Ann's post this morning, Fatal Flaws, which includes her first call ever for an open call.  I decided to respond with a post of my own, considering it an obligation of my new office as "King of OS," enthroned thereon late Saturday in a presumably bloodless coup led by Open Salon's top military officer, the legendary Gen. J. K. Brady, who evidently mistook the wedge of cheese I wear in my current avatar as a crown of sorts.

Deferring to the spirit of the aforementioned august office, which we accepted with abashed reluctance, of course, we shall continue this post in the traditional first-person plural.

Fortunately, due to our elevated status, we shall allow only a quick peek at just a few of the flaws we've chosen to unveil.  To list them all would require more bandwidth than the royal budget can support.  A complete list also could induce our subjects to question Gen. Brady's priorities in making her selection for this frankly uncomfortable throne.  However, in the spirit of Thomas à Becket and in the interest of maintaining a stable and fruitful kingdom, we, having accepted the general's decision, are now committed to carrying out the duties so ordained.

That being enunciated, here then are the flaws we choose to acknowledge:

We too often shoot from the hip, which is a result of our limbic predilection. Such could aid in protecting us from dinosaur and mastodon attacks, in theory.  On the downside it more often than not clouds our ability to wiggle out of tight spots using reason instead of finely tuned panic.

We bore too easily - passively and assertively, including boring ourself. This can lead to impulsive acts that often replace boredom with regret, embarrassment, or, in the current context, dissension in the kingdom.

We are not aging gracefully. We try to comfort ourself from this recognition by quoting Dylan Thomas to ourself, which tires us to the extent that we go gentle into that good nap and afterward carry the guilt of sloth with us until we find or start a decent dustup to get the juices flowing again.

On the plus side, we made our first pie yesterday - kumquat, following Bellwether Vance's recipe. It turned out surprisingly excellent. Which brings up the final flaw we shall admit today: we are a shameless braggert.

Go, then, multiply, divide and...well, just get along.

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I would brag too if I had made a kumquat pie. Besides, Generals are supposed to be fawned over. We the minions must bow to your wonderfulness. R for great humor.
Your biggest flaw is that you're a cheesehead. Just kidding, Matt. I still love ya. Flaws and all. :)
I'm sure there are a few people who could add to your list!

My only flaw is I'm so wonderful that it makes everyone in the vicinity feel bad. (So sorry.)
kumquat pie. of all pies to make the first time, which I suppose is the a keen example of the wonder that is you. I imagine apple just was too pedestrian for you to sink your baking chops into and only something as singular and exotic and compelling like a pie of kumquats could allure you to the hot oven experience, your highness.

:::kowtowing and shuffling out of the blog backwards bowing bowing bowing:::
Nothng wrong with a little bragging with a slice of pie on the side.
rated with hugs
The word "kumquat" always makes me laugh. Then I think of the scene with W.C. Fields and Mr. Muckle in "It's a Gift," one of my favorites.
Well, at least you're humble about your braggadocio . . .
Taking off the cheese hat will do a lot toward cleaning up the mess.
Flaws or no gotta keep that hat!
Love this! Wish I could make pie. Or recognize a kumquat.
My leader, thank God you're OK. I thought there was an uprising and you were overthrown. Being a loyal subject, I will protect thee with my life. Now, about that crown, can we get another one after the Super Bowl?
That's a cheese hat? Well dang, I thought it was some sort of weird new comb-over.
Please forgive our delay in responding to your kind messages. We were held up studying the Book of Unofficial OS Rules that was generated over the weekend by the Unofficial Usurping Commission of OS Rulemaking, which was appointed by Gen. Brady serving as Most Benevolent Regent until a fitting ass could be found for the demanding dimensions of the aforementioned throne. (We must say we do miss the old way of talking before all this flibberdejibberty was foisted on us.)

Now then, on to the belated responses:
Rita - Humor schumor, this is an excruciatingly serious kettle of fish we cook here. Beside we are not the general. We are the king placed in this tiresome position by the general, we're beginning to suspect as some sort of sick joke. But we do hereby pardon you for your transgression.

Belinda - You had better be "just kidding" as we have not yet ordered a beheading and in truth have no desire to so do. (?)

Myriad - You walketh on thin ice here, we thinketh.

Monkey - You know how to do it, fair maiden, and, as such, Rules permitting, we should gladly remove the curse "foolish" from your coat of arms.

Linda - We would gladly hug you back, but, again, must seek a reading from the Book of Rules to ascertain if such a gesture is allowed a monarch in full monarchical regalia.

Count Cuss - We hereby laugh with you: hahahahahaha.

Owl - We try, dude, we do try.

Maryway - WE SHALL NOT!!!!

Sire Socks - Yea, verily!

Alysa - It can be done. In this kingdom!

Duke Scanner - The Dude abideth.

Lord Torman - Good guess, but no cigar. The hat doth cover the combover!
Well done! I think it's National Pie Day today...or maybe yesterday...xox
Maid Robin - Every day shall be pie day in the kingdom!! We extend our regal gratitude to thee for thy suggestion.
Not one of your flaws: writing.
Sweetfeet - You desire to sitteth at the right hand of...oops, wrong delusion. That is a sweet thing you said, tho.
I suspect anything Ms Vance shows us is worth trying r.
That was my reasoning, Jon. Plus we had some kumquats left over from the holidays. Our eldest son claimed to like them, but he left them behind when he went back to Tennessee.
Matt, you are so crazy, but I just adore you, you cheesehead! For the Super Bowl, I'm going to make those jalapeno and cheese bratwurst. You bring the pie.
Oh, I forgot...I don't have any flaws, except that I forget to talk about my perfection.
Fay - This could be the start of a beautiful friendship...wait, wrong movie. Good sentiment, tho. Flaws? You don't got no steenkin' flaws!
I am already feeling fruitful, although not so much multiplying quite yet. Thank you, your royal Whey-ness, for participating and keeping me from reading a ten-year-old copy of "Heart Beat" magazine in the waiting room.
May all go well with your mom, Ann. We'd send our Praetorian Guard up there to help out if we had one.
Thanks for everything, Matt. G(((r)))oup hug.
All of ya'll are braver than us! We wouldn't dare write a post about all our flaws, because one of us would kill the others in our sleep. It's been threatened! (Congrats on the pie! I'm proud of you...or the Matt that made the pie.)
Ah, a couple we almost missed.

Belinda, we are always glad to assist, and we return the hug (s). Bell, we do struggle amongst ourself. We are finding this royal crap to be something of a pain in the asses.

And now we shall take these asses to bed and trust that we can all just get along.
I thought "we" referred to Matt and ClarkK, but then I remembered His Royal Highness, the lovable King of Open Salon. Kings can brag all they want - especially if they bake pie.
It's rainy and dreary here this morning, on the order of London during the Ripper days - or most days, it is said. But you, ladies, have warmed the cockles of our heart with your kind words. Kate, we do hope you have enjoyed Executive Pink, and, Fusie, we're afraid this monarchical gig is becoming a tad too stilted even for the likes or dislikes of us. It was hard enuf trying to keep those two you mentioned straight and peaceable.
Not sure I would invoke Becket's name--his last run-in with his king didn't end too well for him.

But I'm really enjoying the rhythm and sound of "limbic predilection." (Every limbic boy and girl, all around the limbic world . . . .)

Thanks for the laughs.
Appreciate the visit, Pilgrim, and your Beckett caution is well taken. All the more admirable your daring to be seen here as the harsh winds of change surely imperil more than a mere head of cheese when they blow.
Torman's comment is hilarious!
I didn't think it was funny at all!!
I really think aging gracefully is overrated. I intend to usurp this flaw of yours and use it until the end of my days!!!

And kumquat pie! Well, who needs to do anything else when one is making such delicious treats!!!
PIE!! Did someone say Pie???
Ladies, I figured that pie would bring you by. Thanks for the visit.
Ladies, I figured that pie might bring you by. Thanks for the visit!
"Gentle into that good nap"--just perfect. Pie is easy, I expect nothing less of you. Very funny, no flaws here.
Thanks, latethink. Naps are one of the great inventions of the living organism.
I gotta love a guy who wears a cheese hat in public.