Life's not fair


Matt Paust

Matt Paust
Gloucester, Virginia,
December 31
Sorry - writer's block... BTW the "birthday" listed above is false. I prefer to keep that day private, but am not permitted to do so here, so I'm forced to lie.


JANUARY 10, 2013 10:53AM

GV snags Pusillanimous Negative Blurbists rookie recognition

Rate: 4 Flag

In a predictable move Thursday, the Fictional Society of Pusillanimous Negative Amazon Blurbists has bestowed its weekly rookie recognition ribbon on "GV", who last week pounded a 99-cent ebook in his "customer review" as "the worst novel I have never read", immediately prompting downloads of the besmirched novel by multitudes of curious readers.

Questioned by the book's author next day in a chance bar meeting as to how an unread book could inspire such innovative invective, GV is reported to have said, "Well, I loved the title, the cover and your blurb but I was under intense pressure to get my negative blurb posted by FSOPNAB's weekly recognition deadline. As a former newspaper hack I tend to be more creative on deadline."

As eavesdropping bar patrons broke into passionate applause, the author bought GV a pitcher of beer and gave him several brotherly slaps on the back, causing the pitcher to topple into GV's lap and drench him thoroughly. The two promptly repaired to the parking lot and continued celebrating until police and an ambulance arrived.


Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
Absinthe should allow full disclosure of harmful side effects; never yell green fairy in a roadhouse...demder gaud ol' boys are gonna keep horsin' 'round 'til somebody louses an ear!
If you'd like, I can issue an honorary "Banned in Boston" designation. That always made book sales skyrocket.
Again, I think a free punch in the nose is called for.
continued celebrating. laughing. i am enjoying this silly fun series, matt. :-)
My suspicion is "GV" is an editor I worked with at my last newspaper job. We were friends until recently, when we had a little hissy match on Facebook and he unfriended me. No doubt in my mind he didn't read the book. I say this because it's been a couple of months since it was listed at $2.99. It was free for a week and then went to .99 where it's been the past two or three weeks. But I forgot to change the price on my website, so he thought it was still $2.99 (heehee).

Y'all are more than welcome to post anything on Amazon you like, should you be so disposed. The more pleasant things said about the book there the better chance somebody will take a chance and spend a buck on it. Most of you have already read most or all of it when I posted it here last year. Hey, you can even pan it, and be a contender for FSOPAB's next blurbist's award!
They will be starting a YELP section for writers soon.
I had to venture over to Amazon and see the review that got this started. I loved your response.
Thanks, JL. I stole it from Con Chapman, who used it on a troll who posted a nasty "review" of his hilarious baseball book CannaCorn.
Just another day in Littleville! R
Fun with the little folk. Thanks, Thoth.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever buy another book. Safe as it here in the zone, cozy--only $175 monthly for highspeedinternet and countless television channels, all the world's written & filmed discourse at hand--and every eleven months or so Wonderful Life will be on again and again day and night. I can even say: Katie, bar the door! I can even start a joke:
Andy Warhol and Gore Vidal walk into a bar...fifteen minutes; John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson are eating breakfast at Denny's...pan to the U.S.A Today headline: the words have been superseded with Disney characters, music: Johnny Cash scratchily -- only in Portuguese. A pall of remorse. However there is a subliminal fortune cookie-like message that something good is going to happen. Sally Struthers trays over a round of Snapple. There's an untyped unspoken line about whole wheat toast. It smells like buttered toast. The giant wall clock says TURNING POINT. Through the raised blinds, a near-motionless street sweeper within prismatic mist contemplatively purrs along curbside...PEORIA PUBLIC WORKS...freshly painted but sanded and scraped to look run down.
Outofdoors it's breeze-less, a yellow-bulb black screen digital thermometer says 109 degrees; indoors the air conditioner freezes and squirts a squid-like sepia ooze. The viewer immediately realizes that something good is not going to happen. A very elderly bag lady enters. She wears combat boots. The manager scolds her, "Ruby, now what? Didn't I tell you...?"
Ruby sits alone, gulping ice water. She crosses her legs.
Zzoom to the sole of her boot.
I've missed your voice, Jim. I'm glad Open is open again.