Dear Myrtle,
Thank you for your Turkey and Dumpling recipe enclosed with your last letter. I thought it pleasant but I do not think the Pillsbury people are going to appreciate your nuanced use of Eazy Cheeze. Last year, they passed up my Ham, Pimento & Pineapple Quiche. Lord only knows why.
I agree with you about that Palin girl. The problem is that these people have no shame anymore. Back when Roosevelt was running around with that Lucy Mercer strumpet, people had the good sense to ignore it. Now these people don't even have enough shame to hide their daughters when they are in the family way. I think that woman's got something to hide. Thank God in Heaven she isn't the one with her finger on The Button.
Mrs. Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy knew how to deal with the world. It's tough out there, but a lady never allows circumstances to get the best of her. It's like that time your sister cried in the grocery store because she broke that whole shelf of Currier & Ives dishes. The manager may have forgiven her, but I think it was weak. I do admit I may be slow to forgive because I couldn't get the gravy boat. 42 years is a long time to have a mismatched gravy boat.
In other news, our dear Rupert gave me a call the other day. He is doing well, but he managed to slip his prostate into the conversation again. I understand that others in his life may be accustomed to hearing about his prostate, but I am not. I fancy that one day I will mention vaginal dryness in response. That should teach him a lesson.
Totally unrelated, but did you know that the male Acarophenax tribolii mite hatches while still inside its mother, then impregnates his sisters and promptly dies? Fascinating.
Sorry to cut this missive short, but I am attending the Eastern Star meeting this evening at the Masonic Lodge. There is to be a vote on allowing peanut butter cookies at the refreshment table. Evidently, one of the ladies' grandsons is allergic. Children are not allowed at the meetings, but he was sent to the hospital last month after kissing her. I think this is not a lesson about cookies but rather a lesson about kissing grandmothers full on the mouth.
All the best and sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Maude,
You’re welcome, dear, but my concern for those deceitful Pillsbury people ended long ago. I find it disgraceful that they put those trick coupons on the cans of biscuits. How does it help me to get fifty cents off a can of corn niblets when I’m buying biscuits? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’ll put that doughboy in a shallow pan under the broiler for twenty-five minutes.
I’m in agreement regarding those Palins. For heaven’s sake, they are from Alaska. I don’t remember hearing about anything but majestic beauty and rocky shorelines and 100,000 glaciers when we were planning that Alaskan cruise. I surely don’t remember anything about that strapping Putin being in the airspace or being able to see Russia and I certainly don’t remember a thing about that political harpy and her dirty laundry. Bess Truman has rolled over in her grave so many times; I’m surprised we haven’t felt the tremors all the way down here.
Don’t you start that Mrs. Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy nonsense with me, though. You know that Letitia Baldridge was the real lady in that White House. You never hear about her being called “Letty” now do you? And I’m here to tell you this; Letitia Baldridge would not stand for having a mismatched gravy boat for 42 minutes, much less 42 years. I swear, Maude, your fondness for the dollar is unrivaled, even by those damn Chinese financiers. They’re ruining America. That’s why Carnival doesn’t offer one damn cruise to China.
It will not amuse Rupert to know that you have likened his prostate talk to tribal mite incest. I think he will especially balk at the death part. Also, please don’t say vaginal dryness. You are so uncouth sometimes, Maude – and it would probably give old Rupert a full on stroke. I know it’s trendy to talk of such things, but I just find it inappropriate to see commercials on the television for douches and tampons when I’m watching Go, Diego Go! with the grandchildren.
I can’t believe you are still going to those meetings anyway. Didn’t you read that DaVinci Code book I sent to you? It’s a cult or something. Do you really think all that stitching and communing is benign? They are luring you with their cookies and fellowship. I got into something like that once with the United Methodist Women. Read that book Maude and get your heart right with God. I don’t want to see you on the Nancy Grace program.
All that mouth kissing should be a good enough reason to avoid those kinds of people. Folks just don’t respect personal space anymore. All this hugging and kissing and touching, I won’t have it at all. If you continue to going to these ceremonies, wear a big stiff brimmed sunhat and some of that Avon lipstick we picked up in Mexico. I have found that this keeps even the most affectionate of children at bay.
Must run, dear. I have an appointment with the one armed bandit.
TaTa
Myrtle
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Comments
I'm so glad I didn't have to wait as long as Maude did for a gravy boat.
Raucously funny on so many levels. THUMBED!!!!!
more please...
rated and adored
Looking forward to seeing more personal stuff that should never be brought to light. Not that people on OS are enlightened. But we do gossip a lot, as you will soon learn. And your letters will offer us great opportunities to increase our......... Well, anyway, you will come to understand.
BTW: Welcome. As misguided as you both are about privacy, you will fit right in.
Monte
Thank you for writing, I am ashamed of myself for staying out of touch for so long. I have no excuse for the past 47 years, but Alcatraz was careful about mail and such. I had lost track with all of our old group, then life just took care of the rest. I was proud to represent the Rainbow Girls at the General Grand Chapter meeting in MN a few years back. I had thought I might see you there. I must say, its wonderful hearing from you and I am counting on hearing back soon,
Sincerest best regards from your old friend,
G. Abby
MWG Matron
P.S. I think I am in love with you both.
We Farmington Girls do hold ourselves to the highest of standards. It is a proud tradition. I am pleased that you have enjoyed our first letters. We shall be publishing more of them in the near future.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. Gwool,
I do not understand why a child of 9 would lick the dentures of his grandmother. Then again, I am also horrified on a daily basis by children in general. Each of my children has been treated with a firm, but distant, hand. It is best not to coddle them, lest they grow up to wear their pants 'round their ankles or pierce their eyelids.
Pleased to meet you.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. Bill S.,
I was unaware that anyone was waiting for us. I do apologize if we were tardy.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. MccFlop,
I have alerted Myrtle to your preference. She is displeased, but she told me that if she found herself in a burning building she could take care of herself, thank you very much. I, on the other hand, would be grateful for the assistance.
I also appreciate any and all adoration. Myrtle does not.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Tarp,
We are very pleased to have found this forum. Recently, I was watching 60 Minutes and saw a segment about "virtual legacies." I carefully save each of Myrtles letters in a rose-scented hat box. Myrtle lines her birdcage with mine. Therefore, in order to salvage a bit of our wisdom for our grandchildren, we decided to publish our letters here.
I thank you for your kind and enthusiastic welcome and I am pleased to meet you.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. 2009,
Myrtle was the "Educator of the Year" in her district for 23 straight years. She retired after corporal punishment was banished. She was hit on the forehead by a flying shoe and decided to retire the next day. Considering that she had been teaching for 49 years, I would say she was successful in her field.
Last summer, I had to resign from my post as Secretary/Treasurer of the Boca Raton Junior League. The demands on my time became too much for me and I decided that at my age, any group with the term "Junior" involved was just silly.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear MiddleAgedWomanBlogging,
Thank you for your enthusiastic welcome. I am finding this website to be rather friendly (if a bit familiar). Myrtle told me that choosing other website people as "favorites" would alert them to our presence. I have been rather particular about my choices. However, I selected the horse with some trepidation.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Lulu and Phoebe,
We are discovering that the "tag" function on this website is used primarily for amusing quips. The term "kittens" seems exceptionally popular. Perhaps we will mention kittens in our next set of letters so that we may avail ourselves of this custom without fear of unethical behavior.
Thank you for your assistance.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Spotted Mind,
That photograph was taken on our whirlwind tour of Vancouver last year. We found the weather to be pleasant and the townsfolk friendly. We may return there soon.
I am pleased that you are entertained.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dearest Rupert,
You were alerted to the personal nature of our letters when I notified you of our participation in this website. I have never spoken to you of my "nether regions" as you call them. But, you can be assured that my mention of your prostate will be directly proportional to the fruit or vegetable you use to describe it.
Also, I would like to use this opportunity to thank you for the lovely flowers. I look forward to seeing you in Reno this fall.
Affectionately,
Maude
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Mr./Ms.(?) AtHomePilgrim,
I would not say that our voices are "fresh" but I will say that we use them vociferously.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. Canfield,
I take exception to the idea that we are misguided on issues of privacy. While we are using our Christian names, we do maintain a level of privacy due to the lack of our married names. Considering the level of intimacy shared on the internet these days, I would say that we are tame in comparison. We maintain our dignity at all times.
Thank you for your concern and amusement.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. grif82600,
My father was the 32nd degree Master of the Royal Secret in New Orleans in the late 1920's. My late husband joined, but after an unfortunate incident with a tiny roadster and a clown, he was never to proceed upward in rank. I find it to be a nice social circle. I, too, love it.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Abby,
I am afraid you must have us confused with another Maude and Myrtle. Though, I do always appreciate meeting another Worthy Matron. We do look forward to forming friendships here on the Open Salon. I do not dare speak for Rupert. He gets around.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Mr./Ms. (?) Owl_says_who,
I enjoy your photograph. It resembles a macrame owl wall hanging that resides in my powder room.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Brady,
We do not wrestle - in pudding or otherwise. Myrtle already has money on the plastic novelty doll, though.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Mr. scanner,
Thank you for your kind welcome. We always appreciate gentlemen who do not yet have the "manopause."
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. O'Really,
Myrtle and I have not lived in the same state since an incident in 1972. We may speak of that at some point, but the wounds are still raw. I will say that there are no hard feelings and it was not a crisis of our own making.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Moore,
I understand that there are personal undergarmets to remedy that situation. I do hope you will look into that. Thank you for your affectionate comment.
Sincerely,
Maude
Though I'm surprised that two teachers from Miss Porter's would refer to an alumna by her married name. Wouldn't Jackie B have been a student of yours? You're writing personal letters, not a school newsletter. Just sayin'.
Now back to torturing that doughboy.
Um, that was more of an existential waiting, actually. Meaning, of course, that ladies such as yourselves, whose writing is in no way maudlin and amazingly myrthful are always an exceptional find.
That took a bit longer than I cared to in order to explain my comment. I suppose I'd best have a nice cup of tea and a lie-down now.
Looking forward to perusing your correspondence. Thankfully, since you must type it all in, we won't be subjected to the bird droppings.
It's heartwarming to see old girls, still together, after all.
Welcome! And if you figure out how to alert me every time you post, I would be appreciative!
That is a lovely photograph of yourself. Regarding our ages, I suppose one might consider us old girls, but be clear on the fact that Maude doesn't have the gills for teaching. You know what they say - Those who can't do, teach and those who can't teach sit on committees.
Fondly,
Myrtle
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mr. S,
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're blowing sunshine up my skirt. Regarding the existentialism you speak of, I am not one to judge on the basis of religion, but, I'm here to tell you I'm against that Scientology. As for Maude's rude comment about my bird cage, I can inform you that I have never done any such thing. If I were to put that perfumed stationery near my birds it would probably kill them.
Fondly,
Myrtle
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Dear Ms. Aim,
Congratulations on your victory over the Fighting Daisies while attending MacDuffie. I must say I have never understood the Mustang as thier mascot, perhaps you could give us more information on this.
I am sure we can oblige you with alerts in the future.
Fondly,
Myrtle
Ah, no. It would be a dark day for me indeed if my wife caught me blowing sunshine up your skirt. Not to mention it would play havoc with my bad back.....
I completely agree with you regarding Scientology. There isn't even any SCIENCE in it, for Pete's sake!
Myrtle- Go Granny...Go Granny...Go Granny...GO! I think we may be channeling each other!
Absolutely, astoundingly delightful, girls. We are going to have infinitely more fun with the two of you as playmates.
--RRRRaaaaaaated---
Brilliant!
(thumbified for being intriguing)
Welcome.
Rated
Please allow us to introduce ourselves. We are Michael and Melissa, fellow travelers about two months into our own Open Salon journey. What a surprise it was to discover another M&M here! Pairs appear to be a rather rare occurrence at OS.
What a gift you two have given us by sharing these delightfully hilarious (and educational) letters! We’re honored to join our fellow OSers in welcoming you to this community. Your wicked senses of humor and Wodehousian wit will be well-appreciated here.
Looking forward to your next exchange!
Sincerely,
( m&m )
You would not be the first man to fall out of favor with his spouse due to his association with Myrtle.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Facts,
It is a shame that so few people use the term "broad" positively these days.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Ms. Mothership,
We have noted your relationship with your daughter, Ms. Remedy, with approval. Fine girl you have there. Thank you for the kind welcome. We look forward to a long and productive relationship with fine ladies such as yourself.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Kern,
Thank you for your warm welcome.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. surly & Ms. Kasten,
Both Myrtle and I often enter recipe competitions. It would not be a wise career move for us to divulge our culinary secrets. Thank you for your inquiries, however.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Ms. Fox,
I enjoy visiting Arkansas as often as possible. I am amazed that so many different topographies and ecosystems can be contained in such a relatively small state. The people are lovely, too. (Well... most of them.)
Sincerely,
Maude
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Ms. Cartouche,
We do visit Las Vegas, Nevada often. Do you reside there?
Sincerely,
Maude
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Ms. W.,
I am pleased that we amused you.
Sincerely,
Maude
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Dear Starlings,
We did extensively research the Open Salon before dipping our figurative toes into the pond, so to speak. We are familiar with some of the characters here. I'm looking forward to reading some of your entries. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Maude
Michael: That was wise. Melissa and I jumped in rather impulsively. With only a few exceptions, we’ve found the waters to be quite lovely.
Maude: We are familiar with some of the characters here. I'm looking forward to reading some of your entries. Thank you.
Michael: You’re welcome, and we would be honored for you to read some of our entries.
Melissa: We realized after posting our comment that we’d been logged into The Yellow Starlings instead of metaness as we’d intended. I keep forgetting to check which hat I’m wearing before going out in public.
We don't talk about Aunt Mark too much.
:)