Santiago de Cali, Colombia, 28 December 2010
I know it´s been a long time... a very long time since you´ve heard something or anything from me. It´s been a very long time since I called you dad even in my mind. It has been hard for me to get comfortable thinking about that word... saying it or writing it is even harder. But I don´t feel embittered tonight so I write it with care... with care and compassion...maybe with love.. who knows? .... for you.
See dad, I´ve been good. I´m a grown man now. But I´m sure you know that. I´m sure you´ve been counting the years. I sure have. Not that I´m complaining, this letter is not about that. No. !Oh by the way!... I´m gay... yea.. well... hum.... yea...
Well... I´ve been thinking about mom and my sister and of course...you. It hurts when I think of you. But it doesn´t cut my heart into pieces anymore... I know, I know... this letter is not about complaining.
Dad, I forgive you. With all this pain inside and the tears in my eyes and the despair in my heart I forgive you. I hope that this is enough for you. Enough to help you have a better life. Enough to help you have a better future with the people around you. Enough to help you forgive yourself. We need to heal those wounds dad. You need to forgive yourself and be well in your life.
You need to stand tall by the road and say that you are ready to have a new fresh start. Don´t recall those days when our hearts were being slaughter. Those tears need to be turn into joys (a difficult thing to do but I think it is doable). Those scars need to be turned into treasures. Those songs that give you the blues now? need to be turned into hallelujahs for having a son worth of your pride. I´ll explain.
Dad. I am a good person. I really am. Of course, not perfect... I´ve lied and made tons of mistakes but even with all of those mistakes in my count, you can feel proud, if you feel like you can do ... that.... I went to high-school (yea... it was horrible some times) and to the University and got my major in Mass Communications-Journalism. I am a proffessional Journalist dad. Can you be proud?
You can tell your friends that you have a son that went to the University and got a job as a journalist. I even understand some English dad... hahahah can you imagine that? I? Speaking or writing or reading in English? I did it myself dad. I was a man and did it myself. I worked my ass off to pay for College and University and did it dad. I got my diploma. I am a professional now dad. I hope you are proud.
Do you think of me dad? ever? Maybe someday you can tell me stories about your life without me. I sure have a lot of stories to share if you ever find your way back to me. Maybe...right?
I sometimes dream of you. Playing and having you as my soccer coach. I know you don´t picture me playing soccer but... for you I can try and I will do my best. Really. Maybe some day right?
When I think about our lives I regret the lack of love in our home, but I still have the heart of a young boy and sometimes the dreams of "whatifs" are enough to redeem the past. I still have the heart that you left behind when I was 9 years old. It has been beaten but it is still tender deep inside you know? You can feel proud of that too dad.
Well... this letter is not easy to write... I lose focus easy. Anyway.. I better stop writing now... I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... and take in count that if you ever need me or feel like I have to be there for you ... let me know
I think this is a New Year´s resolution letter.. maybe it will make you feel better... I know it does make me feel better...
Harold (The name you gave me. I changed it though)