Life sometimes takes turns that just scare the soul out of us and leave us mute, numbed; emotionally unresponsive to any type of outside stimulation and even unable to move, the physical reactions make us sick inside, the stomach aches and spins, cramps force us to close our eyes and take some minutes to recover. The body suffers when fear and rage hit the core. The adrenaline rush soften the muscles; the whole body shakes and when this self-attack rests and stops, the exhaustion force us to think about what is happening in our lives; what is about to derail and cause us harm. These type of coincidences-chances are rare but when they happen they leave only the grief behind to bury us alive.
We feel it coming, we sense it near... and eventually we see its face, right in front of us; looking at us with its deep black eyes. We feel its heat; we smell its breath... It´s chaos. It is more than we can take, bigger than us. It is more than we can handle. It is huge. A Titan and we are not the hero to defeat it. We are on its mercy.
Our head´s been placed on the scaffold, the blade shines, the whole world stands still before us and then a stroke takes our last breath. That is how I feel right now. My knees are weak. My neck is about to explode in pain. My heart... God... my heart... I´m losing this small pinch of sanity that I still possess. I´m losing it. This can´t be the right choice. I´m sure this will be my end.
A few days ago I wrote a letter to my dad wishing him a happy new year and offering my forgiveness. That letter was not to be sent. It was written only as my own relief. My soul and heart were fresh ready for a new start. But then, life and chances hit. It was like Universe released a huge force after I opened my heart to forgiveness. It was like an electric wave
My sister Erika came over to visit and stay here for a couple of weeks. She came with her husband and my nephews. The first three days were amazing, telling stories and sharing good memories... but yesterday everything changed. My sister gave me a piece of information that was better being kept from me.
My cell-phone rings. I answer. Is my sister. I´m walking down a street downtown
"Hola little brother (she calls me little brother eventhough I´m older) are you coming home soon? I need to talk to you"
When she said those words my heart jumped. I knew something was odd. She never calls me and she never asks to talk to me about anything. She never shares her life with me. She never ask me about my life, so, when she did this time, my heart felt an urge. The urge of self-preservation.
"yea.. I´m on my way.. I will be there in an hour"
"Ok little brother I´ll see you here. Don´t take too long"
"Ok I won´t. I´ll try to be there soon"
We hang up and I went to the bus stop. Waited for the bus to arrive, rode it for like about half hour or 45 minutes. Got off the bus one block away from home. Started walking towards the house and when I was about 100 meters one of my nephews came out the house and a man was running after him, playing and obviously having a good time in the front yard. It was an older man playing with my youngest nephew.
My heart exploded. I swear I felt it inside. My stomach exploded. My head started spinning at light speed. My knees bended. I had to stop walking. The air was thick and the smell I was sensing made me sick. It was a fetid smell. My eyes watered. I chewed my lip. The tears run down my face. I turned around and walked away from that house. My mind was totally gone. I walked. I just walked.
I could feel a pressure in my neck. My throat closed. The air was thin. I reached a main street, stopped a cab and asked the cabdriver to take me to the bus station. Bought a ticket to Bogota. I was about to travel 10 hours to Bogotá. My cellphone started ringing. It was my sister. Then my mother, then my other sister, then my brother-in-law. Eventually the calls stopped. I arrived to the city close to sunrise. Got off the bus. Went inside a phone booth and called a friend to pick me up.
I am here in my friend´s house. He let me use his laptop so I could write this post. Back in Cali they might be wondering where am I. But I wouldn´t be surprise if they aren´t. They just pin my heart and my pride and my self-esteem with the ultimate betrayal.
They are there probably talking to him; to my father. They opened the door to him and let him in again in their house. Knowing that I was living there. Knowing what I feel about him and though I feel like a hypocrite right now after writing the "forgiveness letter" I realized that I can´t deal with that man, I can´t and now when I feel my heart aching for my family´s misjudgment and lack of humanity towards me I know those people don´t belong close to me. I don´t belong close to them and that makes me even sadder. I am empty inside now. They just took the last stroke to my flesh and pride. They´ve killed me inside.
I look around this house and I see my friend looking at me. He is holding a beer in his hand. Mute. He must be thinking:
Now what? This one doesn´t have a job, doesn´t have a suitcase with him. Doesn´t have money to buy a teethbrush, he left his house without thinking of the consequences and I have him in my house... this is a problem.
I won´t be a problem. I just needed to write. I will be gone in a couple of hours when I figure what to do....I don´t fear the streets. I do fear the hunger. I fear the cold. I fear the solitude. I fear my mind struggeling with all this confusion. I fear my self now.
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Diary of a Hopeful Starving Student
Very Thingish Things
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Paul Fassett
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Comments
There is no need to feel like a hypocrite. It is okay. Your feelings of wanting to forgive just a few days ago were honest and sincere. Your physical reaction of today is true and honest too.
Don't be hard on yourself. Don't fear yourself. Yes, you are confused and this is frightening but stay put if you can for just a little while.
My love and best wishes dear friend. Take care of you.
Escribir una carta y *ver*, físicamente al hombre que te lastimó, que te sigue lastimando, son dos cosas diferentes. Qué bien que tomaste la decisión de cuidarte a ti primero, para darte tiempo de calmarte, respirar profundo y ajustarte a la realidad de que si tu escoges, solo si tu quieres, puedes ver a tu padre cara a cara y en un contexto muy diferente a lo de antes. Este hombre está en *tu* casa, en tu territorio. Toma tu tiempo, chamo, no tienes que hacer nada pero puedes hacer todo, si quieres. Tú tienes el control ahora y para siempre. Estamos contigo, Mauricio. Lo que tú decides hacer, yo te apoyo cien por ciento.
rated with love and concern for you
Call your sister or whomever you feel the most comfortable talking to, Mauro. Find out if he is still there. If not, go home, mijo. If he is, tell your family you cannot come back until he is gone. I can't stand the thought of you wandering the streets again. Your panic will subside, your head will clear, but you need to go home. Please.
Lezlie
rate
♥