Even though you've been dead for a while, Mom, there's something we've got to have out, here and now.  

I've caught up to research that finally reveals the true cause of my bisexuality.  And guess what?  It's all your fault.  

That's right.  Last year, reports published from the University of Padua indicated that bisexuality, as well as homosexuality, resulted from having female relatives--grandmothers, aunts, and mothers--who were actually hyper-heterosexual, women more likely to reproduce lots of kids.  

Before now, I generously blamed your reproductive tendencies on the Catholic Church.  I presumed your devotion to the Pope and to the rhythm method was the cause of our fabulously large family.  But now I can see in no uncertain terms that your unbridled heterosexuality was to blame.  

Didn't you pause for a moment to reflect on how your hyper-heterosexuality would impact your children?  Did you think how it would effect me?

Well, it's time to lay the cause for my sexuality at your doorstep.  Oh, no, this is not about my life choices, my fall from the Church, my disregard for what our society laughingly calls morality.  Not any more, it's not.  

If only you had been less hot for Dad--if only you had been less procreative--if only you had been a little more lez, I wouldn't have been bisexual at all.  

If you had been bisexual, you could have spared me a life of bisexuality.  Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.   

And no, wearing army boots is not enough, lady.  

Never mind that, if you had been less procreative, I wouldn't have been born at all--coming in as I do at No. 5 in the line-up.  Let's not go off on ridiculous tangents.

I'm washing my hands of all responsibility for my sexuality.  You unleashed your hyper-heterosexuality on the world and I am your casualty.  Shit.  Malcolm X's mother was probably hyper-heterosexual, too.  Tell that to the Nation of Islam.