Senate Finance Committee Chairman, Max Baucus (D-MT), announced that some sort of health care reform bill would come out his committee with strong non-bipartisan support. He outlined this bill by saying the major points were addressed with cool looking flowcharts, colorful PowerPoint templates and Red Sharpie doodles. He added that Big Insurance and Big Pharma have their best ghostwriters writing the substantive stuff that no one really reads or understands.

Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME) confirmed her hesitancy in trying to understand health care reform that leaves no trigger option for the coverage of lobsters lounging in Casco Bay or moose dancing during rutting rituals north of Skowhegan.

Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA), nodded in agreement with Snowe, shoved her aside, and took to the podium insisting he never said he wouldn’t vote for health care reform, reaffirming his commitment to block passage of any health care reform—the key word being "any."

Reporters were rather annoyed by Grassley's continuous unplugging of the microphones as he spoke, leaving Sen. Kent Conrad (D-N.D.) to shout that $856 billion is a number with seven zeros in it. Later, after meeting with CBO accountants, Conrad admitted to questionable decorum and switched the number of zeros to nine, stating in a robocall made to Paraguanian parrot trainers, “I shall not apologize for my inferred ignorance.” 

It should be noted that while the “gang of six” posed for pictures, mixing mimed-chicanery with prate, Sen. Mike Enzi (R-WY) refused to comment on the square root of pi, opting to let Sen. Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) make puppy shadow puppets. They both barked and giggled before Baucus ended the press conference with a re-edited off the cuff statement, “We cannot let this opportunity pass. I’m convinced that I can convince myself to vote for this bill since many of the bill’s major provisions won’t be implemented until 2013—enough time for me to remain disingenuously interested on the issue. For now, let the NFL continue with the public option… it’s a hell of a play. Red… blue… thirteen… hut… hut!”

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