We can only assume that by throwing the money, Goldman Sachs is trying to imply that it isn’t accepting new customers. Perhaps it’s just too embarrassed to say so out loud.

Was it Jesus who said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first penny”?

Okay, this is what happened. But first, let me set the mood.

Salt Lake City, around 4:45 p.m. A bunch of peaceful protesters were on their way to give their two cents—two pennies, glued together—to the Federal Reserve. It was a silent march, or a mostly silent march, because some of us had a lot to say to each other. But we said it quietly, so don’t judge.

We are not anti-capitalism, at least not as a group. Speaking for myself, regulating and taxing corporations is not anti-capitalist and will in fact make the capitalist system more sustainable. Capitalism is a nuanced system, like any economic system, and the various regulations affecting it have evolved over time. And so they will continue evolving.

Anyway. We were marching, one peaceful footstep after another. Main Street was uncrowded. The sun was bright, as bright as the gleaming doors of a certain “full-service global investment banking and securities firm,” also known as “a great vampire squid  wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.” And inspiration struck, almost as fast as the pennies that followed.

It happened so fast, in a dizzying whirl of spinning doors and flying copper, that we barely knew what hit us.

I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s what happened:

One protester, as we passed by the building, knelt and placed his two pennies by the door. A last minute thought, a humble gesture to assert our feelings toward corporate greed. No sooner did he do that than—

A man barreled out, seething with rage as if he’d seen this, the placing of the pennies, in a vision, and had been fuming behind the glass doors for hours, waiting for the glorious moment when he’d spring forth to exact his revenge. And exact he did—in an instant, he turned those two pennies from symbol of diminutive material wealth to flying projectile in a dazzling alchemy of adrenaline and corporate brainwashing.

Flying pennies are no joke, as anyone who’s ridden a drop-tower ride knows. In our blind terror, we could only continue marching onward, on to the Federal Reserve.

At the reserve, we all proceeded to lay our pennies on the sidewalk beside the building, on guard lest an employee storm out and send another round of copper flying at us. Two of the demonstrators created a peace sign on the doorstep with pennies, as a puzzled guard watched from the window. After a few minutes, someone came over and flipped the lock. But to our immeasurable relief, they simply watched, and we went on our way. 

Anyway, if you’re considering banking with Goldman Sach’s, they don’t seem to want money right now. May we suggest your friendly local credit union? They might even give you a loan for that small business you’ve been pondering. And real human beings with brains and judgment probably decide who gets those loans, not computer databases. Anyway, we hope that Goldman Sachs and other large banks understand that while throwing cash at a problem can help, they shouldn’t take that literally.