I only babysat a few times as a kid. During those gigs, I realized that babies and children were completely irrational. They smelled bad. They liked making me angry. And really, once I spent some time with them, I realized that they were not nearly as cute as they’d initially seemed. Child care? Not my thing.

Still, when the time came, I knew I had to reproduce—there was no question. Biological imperative. Couldn’t wait to experience the ballooning belly, the heroic act of laboring and giving birth. Hormones took over. I was blossoming! I was birthing! I was nursing! I was parenting! And oh my GOD, these children were so much better than anyone else’s children!  

People often tell me I am a good parent. They even ask me for advice. When this happens, I try to get over my initial response (“Are you ****ing kidding me? Do you have any idea how unbalanced and neurotic I actually am?”) and take their questions seriously.

 On my Facebook page, I asked what people wanted to read about in my blog. The first response, from a high school friend who has her own kids and a few step-kids to boot, was: I would like to hear about your parenting philosophy.

 So, here it is, like it or lump it, 'cause she's a cool friend and I want to give her what she wants.

Basically:

• The things that make you a toxic person make you a toxic parent.

• The things that make you a good person make you a good parent.

• If you want to be a better parent, figure out how to become a better person.

Here’s how.

 Model presence.

This is the most important part of my parenting philosophy. When we are able to be really present in our lives and relationships, when we are willing to keep bringing ourselves to a place of love, kindness, acceptance, compassion, and appreciation, most problems eventually solve themselves.

This isn't easy to do. It requires practice--daily, dedicated practice--and a commitment to get back to that place of presence even on the worst of days, when we feel like all that presence and awareness crap is just not our cup of tea.

In this world, which promotes the diametric opposite of presence (i.e. conflict, competition, and desire-driven, addictive, shallow reactivity), this requires that you have some kind of practice—meditation, yoga, religious observances, t’ai chi, whatever—where you learn to go to that place of mindfulness at will.

It’s sort of like masturbating to get better at sex. Taking time to fly solo and learn what makes the top of your head pop off with pleasure helps   you to go there with your partner. Working on presence alone helps you remember to breathe and stay calm when you discover your four-year-old cutting the leather sofa apart with a kitchen knife or when your teenager shows up at home at two AM with booze on his breath.

The undercurrent of presence and mindfulness created by a daily (or almost-daily) practice also helps you to appreciate the small blessings and beauties of life with your child on an everyday basis.

Model positivity.

Children need to feel that they are seen, heard and acknowledged in compelling detail by their parents. It doesn’t take long to do this: a few seconds at most. Put your eyeballs on them and notice what they’re doing, even when they seem to be doing not much of anything, and describe what you see. Take three full breaths while you observe. Let the corners of your mouth go up a bit. Thaaaat’s it.

 Here’s where the positivity comes in. I’m not saying you should lavish them with praise about how brilliant, artistic, creative, athletic, or gorgeous they are. Lots of research has found that this kind of praise is actually bad for children. It lowers their self-esteem and does not inspire them to achieve. Instead, just observe what you see some of the time. Other times, reflect as specifically as possible how the child is modeling important values, skills or effort. Do this when the child is not breaking any rules.

See my post, "That Parenting Approach I Mentioned In My Last Post," for more on this.

 Let your children know that they are not the center of the known universe.

Yes, be present and positive with your child, but remember that the child learns more from observing you living your life, being with your loved ones and doing your work than she learns anywhere else.

 Kids benefit from going out to grownup restaurants, going to grownup gatherings, listening to grownup music, eating grownup food, helping with housework and household projects, and doing other things that don’t involve portable electronics, Disney characters or chicken nuggets. They benefit from spending time in intergenerational settings and from playing with children who are both older and younger than they are.

 Sure, they might be unhappy about being forced to do things that aren’t mind-blowingly fun. Sure, they’d rather go to Chuck E. Cheese or Disneyland than to see the symphony or sit in a restaurant where they have to put their napkins on their laps and sit quietly. Most children would rather talk talk talk than listen to adult conversation. But being in those un-fun settings gives them a chance to learn to move fluidly through a world that isn’t always designed to Make Things Fun Just For Them. How to behave in places that aren’t childproofed or full of television screens. How to be considerate of the needs of others. How to interact with the other humans in acceptable and pleasurable ways.

 Teach social skills early.

Children can begin learning social skills—manners, how to look others in the eye when they talk to them, how to enter and leave conversations, and how to cooperate—very, very early.

It doesn’t squash their creativity to be encouraged to interact in ways that are socially acceptable. You might think it’s cute or age-appropriate for a preschooler or elementary schooler to not know how to shake hands, talk on the phone, look others in the eye or say goodbye before walking away, but before you know it, that kid’s in middle school, and it’s a lot harder to teach that stuff once puberty sets in.

Model good social skills, then positively reinforce children in great detail when they imitate you. Let them experience the joy of knowing what's expected of them and being able to fulfill those expectations.

Be as silly and funny as possible, as often as possible.

If you have never thought of yourself as funny or silly, don’t worry. We’ve all got it in us—you’ll just have to learn to let it out. Within you is a completely unique sense of humor and vocabulary of silliness. If you don’t believe me, notice how funny you get the next time you have a few drinks.

Imitate your children’s joy in physicality and don’t be paranoid about them getting hurt.

Christine Brondyke, a life and relationship coach, recently posted something interesting about how little we move our bodies as adults:

As babies we move ourselves in about 3000 different ways…by the time we get to kindergarten, we've reduced that to about 300. We walk, we sit, we nod our head yes, shake it No.

So true, yes? Even those of us who work out and play sports as grownups get locked into very specific ways of moving. Those ripped dudes and dudettes who seem to have these great sculpted bodies look like robots—there’s no oomph, no juice, no freedom, no movement of energy or exploration going on!

When’s the last time you climbed a tree? Rock-hopped along a creek? Have you recently boogied free-form around your living room, caring not a whit about how you look? Let your children see you really enjoying your body!

Let them climb, swing, jump, balance, dance, get dirty, and fall down without making much ado about it (as long as they do it in the appropriate times and places). Lecturing a child for falling down and getting hurt is counterproductive--it will only make her more fearful, which will make her fall down more.

Free physical play is essential for neurological development. Take reasonable precautions, but don’t make them afraid to really use their bodies to their full potential. Sure, you don’t want to blow another five hundred bucks in the emergency room, but ‘tis better to have gone for it and gotten hurt than to not go for it at all.

A few other ways to model good personhood for your children:

 Be willing to be wrong, even when you aren’t.

 Grow plants and build things.

 Keep lots of great books in your home and read them.

 Model passion for learning and curiosity.

Feel  and explore your feelings instead of taking them out on other people.

 Any pointers I left out? Leave them in the Comments thread below.