Historically, monogamy didn't begin as a way to ensure that two people could relax into deepest intimacy. It began as a way for men to assert their ownership over a woman's body...Our thinking that monogamy is inherently a nobler arrangement than any other has created a nation of hypocrites - which is what we've become.

- Marianne Williamson, A Woman's Worth 

When my family of four first moved into an intentional community in the early 2000s, I spent some time talking with a community resident who had lived there for many years. I’ll call her Tina.

Tina listed several wonderful aspects of living this way: community meals, work parties to beautify neighborhoods, having a real live ‘village’ scene where people helped raise each other’s children. And then, at the end of this list of delights, she said, “and you can get a divorce and it’s no big deal.”

Huh? Divorce? No big deal?

There’s a lot of Sturm und Drang around marital separation and divorce. There’s an idea that you can ALWAYS Make It Work, and that if you Can, you Should. Books, blogs, articles, and podcasts ply us with directives and directions about what we could/should be doing to preserve our marriages.There is a lot of shame and a sense of terrible failure among people who choose to separate. 

And it’s no wonder. Our society is built on the notion that life-long monogamy with a single partner (in most states, a partner of the opposite sex) is the moral high road. It’s something many women (myself included) long for and romanticize from the time we see our first beautiful bride, dressed in an expensive grown-up version of our childhood dress-up fairy gowns. We weave our social, financial and familial lives together with a single person, pinning many hopes, dreams and plans on the role we imagine that person will play in our lives. Spiritual teachers encourage us to make the crucible of intimate relationship a laboratory for personal growth.

In this cultural milieu, staying together is far easier and generally better, especially when children are involved. People who choose to divorce have a hell of a lot more to do than grieve the death of a relationship and a way of life – a process that can be healthy and beneficial in and of itself as a way of moving forward with integrity into something new and right. (And I’m not talking about a rebound relationship, but a pilgrimage into the unknown.)

When I separated about two months ago from my husband of 11 years, I was terrified that I would be all alone in the world. Without him, without our family unit, who would I talk to? Who would support me? Who would care about me and help me?

As it turned out, people showed up to do all of these things, left and right. I found myself surrounded by acquaintances who were becoming friends and by friends who were becoming family. I joined a women’s circle, eight incredible women who meet once a week to delve, share and offer support. I moved into a neighborhood full of kind, generous, helpful people who welcomed us. My kids and I now share a home with another single mother and her two children. My children immediately felt at home. Our church friends and my blood relatives have all stepped up to help, guide and support me as I go on my pilgrimage into this new life.

Tina meant that in a community where sharing, caring and community interaction and support are held as high priorities, getting a divorce isn’t such a big deal. You might dissolve your nuclear family, but you are all still held in support by your tribe.

And who’s to say that this isn’t the true natural order of things? If we surveyed human history back to its earliest days, would we find that monogamy had been the way of the world during anything but very recent history? I think not – particularly not in cultures that were ruled by women. Not because we want to go around doinking whomever we like, but because we treasure sharing, caring and nurturance above all else. Generally speaking.

 The reason why humans have gotten so attached to the romantic notion of 'til death do us part' is because we've lost our tribes. The more we regain the sense of tribe, of belonging and of being supported regardless of marital status, the more flexible and fluid we can be about our notions of romantic relationship.