Everyone wants to eulogize the passing of a person. Even if that person was bad.

Sometimes it's harder to admit we are angry at those who have passed; instead we give unfelt platitudes. And it may be harder to admit that the "angry" person has a point.

Rated.

I see no point in hiding or faking your emotions. I the man was a prick, how can you call him a prince after his death? My dad was an A-one abusive asshole. I was conflicted when he died. I choose to forgive him and got on with my life. Sometimes it's best to just say fuck it.

Well said. I know this feeling. Abusive family members get the tribute they deserve in our hearts, even if it adds up to exactly nothing. We may mouth platitudes to those who prefer to live in denial, but in our hearts, we know the truth.

I completely understand how you feel. And you have every right to your feelings. I believe OS is a place where you should feel comfortable expressing yourself in your writings. Be they joy, sorrow, or anger. I for one, thank you and pray that you have been able to move on. Much love sent your way, dear merwoman.

Christine, that's a powerful message and I am so sorry that the stepfather you had wasn't a nice, caring person.

the only comment I can make here is this: you can pick your friends but not your relatives.
I'm sorry about your stepdad.
May he rest in peace and may you have some peace as well.

It's interesting the way the best get one eulogy, often forgotten. While the worst stay remembered for so long. Thanks for your honesty. And what a stunning image.

Simple and honest. I'm glad you posted it, and the picture's a joy.

We don't always get the family we deserve. When I was a kid, I used to watch shows like Chiller Theatre and Million Dollar Movie, where they would routinely show movies like Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, The Creature From The Black Lagoon - you get it: monster movies. Now that I have kids, I find I have to explain to them about the real monsters: fellow human beings that can be evil.
I'm glad you were able to get on with your life, Christine. I sincerely hope that you were able to do this without trying to suppress all the anger you had towards him; that doesn't do you any good. There's nothing wrong with celebrating the death of an abusive stepfather. In fact, I'd say that was probably a normal response (but what do I know, I'm not a doctor).

Thumbed. ((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))

Powerful exorcism.

One of my favorite expressions is : What you see, is what you get.

I always apply to myself and it is one of the highest compliments I can pay another. I suspect I would pay it to you.

It is better to be honest about the dead than to provide them a false elegy.

I can only say I'm thankful I've never had to encounter someone who could hurt others this deeply.

(rated)

I'm sorry that you had to suffer at the hands of a cruel person. And I'm glad that you got free of him, however it had to happen. I can understand that some people may feel that you shouldn't celebrate anyone's death, but I can't agree with that. I would prefer a fairy tale ending, let the grinch hearts all grow bigger, but it don't work that way.

Here's hoping that you have gained some distance and healing since then.

Good riddance to bad rubbish- I completely agree. I am sorry for his pain, but I am even more sorry for the pain he caused you.

(sending up a silent prayer of Thankfulness for having won the Stepdad lotto as a helpless 4 yo)

There are good people and bad people, and lots in between. We get to decide for ourselves who goes into which column, and how we feel about them.

Merwoman, I think you've done yourself a favor in putting your thoughts and emotions together with economy and clarity. No sin in that. In fact, it's probably a survival advantage.

We all feel ... well, the way we feel ... what's the use in dressing it up as something it's not. I think it's a sign of strength to be in touch with and so honest about emotions like that. It feels to me like a song of survival. Thank you for sharing.

Christine, I can totally empathize with you, as far as the abuse goes. My offender has not killed himself, yet, but there's always tomorrow.If you're interested in my horror show, http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=67167. there's the link. I don't make it a habit to self promote, but I thought maybe my story could give some perspective. I know yours did that for me. Thanks for being brave enough to share this. junk1

This is a truth.
I hope you are still dancing.

Wonderful post. Honest. We could all use some more honesty.

Silently exulting in your joy. Peace.

I hope you weren't worried about sharing this! Your tags are as interesting as the post. While it does make some people stop and say, huh?, don't worry about it. The way you feel is the way you feel. The way he was is the way he was. Being dead does not exonerate asshat-iness! The photo is great, perfect!

Wow. Powerful message, poem, picture, emotion. You covered the spread. Glad you shared this. Hope you're not still holding onto the bad feelings. Then he would win.

I'm so sorry for the hurt, but joyous for your new beginning once he died. This is going to sound awful, but I look forward to being able to write a similar post once HELLen dies and I can be free of her toxicity.

The photo is amazing, and so evocative.

Pretty freakin awesome post, too. Right from down there in your gut, ay? I need a few lessons on righteous anger - vs. guilt and crap like that. You go, Girl!

And get yourself a hug, while you're at it.

- C

Wow, you guys, just...wow. I don't even know what to say, except thank you for the kind words and most of all, for understanding where this came from.

And yes, I have been able to move on. At most times, the abuse is just something that happened to me. However, every year, on Jan 12/13, I can't sleep, I feel off, and I'm on edge. The first time it happened, I slept maybe 30 minutes overnight, and slugged my (ex) husband when he tried to wake me up from a nightmare. Without an electronic calendar, it was a lot harder to figure out what was going on (because believe it or not, I never remember it's The Day until it's The Day), so I called my Mom and asked her the date--and yep, it was 1/13/80. So at least now when it happens I know what it is.

I wrote this poem 12 years ago, over Thanksgiving. Poems for me tend to pop into my head almost fully formed, and I feel like I'm really just the ghost-writer and editor. This was one of those poems. I couldn't get it just quite right for a couple days, and it was all I could think about until it was done and done RIGHT. Of the four I've written about him, all but the first are asserting my strength, my person-hood, and my survival, so yeah, I came out of it pretty strong, at least once I got with a good therapist who helped me work through it all.

I would have to say I am still joyful. I have a good life, in spite of it all, and most of the time I'm a pretty happy person.

Again, you guys, thank you SO MUCH for the hugs and the understanding and the kindness. There are a lot of very wonderful people on OS, and I appreciate every one of you.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I had lunch with a good friend today. We were talking about how for some people we know, the death of their spouse is a freedom and a gift. My friend said, "Why do you think so many widows wear those dark veils over their faces? They don't want anyone to see the smiles". I have a good friend who simply cannot divorce her husband, as abusive and volatile as he is. Behind his back she calls herself a "widow wannabee". I applaud you for your honesty. Being real about our very real feelings is fantastic therapy. And I'm glad that this source of pain was removed from your life 29 years ago. Thanks for your courage.

Nice poem. I love the photo, too. Like she's coming out of her shell.

This brings to mind a Yiddish saying for the most emphatic thing you can say against a person:
May his name be blotted out.

Mary, no worries, I totally got what you were saying. I think my Mom was in that position with him, too--life was miserable.

Rich, I think that is probably the first time that anyone has ever called this poem "nice." :) And I love the sheer joyousness of the photo. Your description was very apt.

Lemur, I've never heard that before, but I love it. I will remember it too. Thank you.

There should be no such thing as unconditional love. Like trust, love should be earned. Society shouldn't dictate who you feel affection for and who you feel animosity for. That should be up to you.

EEP, I appreciate your comment. It seems clear that you get it.