JULY 23, 2009 6:54PM

OS 2016: Swinging Dicks & Bouncing Boobies (with Puppies!!!)

Rate: 15 Flag
Obama Firewalk


Jeeves Bw The post that finally displaced Kaysong’s “My Sexiest Men Living” was titled “Swinging Dicks & Bouncing Boobies (with Puppies!!!)”. It got a 5000 rating and stayed at number one in the Most Viewed column for so long that everyone’s monitor suffered screen burn where the name appeared. The post featured a nude image of Obama that had been surreptitiously captured during a sacred firewalk when Obama was in his late teens. Things were moving around so much that it was hard to get a clear picture, but young Barack seemed happy.

Jeeves Bw The bouncing boobies belonged to . . .

Michael Bw It has to be someone you’d wanna see but wouldn’t expect. If you thought of Barbara Bush, it’d be like, euhhh, I don’t wanna see that. I’d have to bleach my eyes. You’d rather see . . . Oprah’s boobs! And not just any way. Bouncing boobs.

Oprah Brushing Teeth
Jeeves Bw The bouncing boobies belonged to Oprah, who was secretly videotaped while brushing her teeth and singing her morning songs. It opens with her happily doing the Bakersfield Titty Dance and humming the lyrics to “Fame.” “Hm hmhm hm hmhmhmm! Hm hmhm hm hm hm hmm. High!” After a final spit and rinse, Oprah, as a grand finale, sings, “Oh, you know it’s my thang, woo-woo-woo.”

Jeeves Bw Sadly, the video was removed because nobody fecks with Oprah and survives. In its place is an image created by twelve-year–old Thomas Decker, a local paperboy/digital artist who euphorically accepted $11.35, a bright green Slurpee, and a dead junebug in exchange for his masterpiece. (The 35¢ is a bribe promised to his little brother, Brian, as a “shut-up” fee. Brian only received a quarter, though, because he kept sitting on Thomas’s empty Spider-Man trash can and farting.)

Coco One
Doggie B
Jeeves Bw And the puppies, well, we’ve all seen the puppies. Awww. With their cute little noses and their I-wuv-you personalities. “Whos-a-wittle-wuv-scrum-scrum? Whos-a-wittle-wuvvie-wuv-scrum-scru—”

Jeeves Bw (clears throat) Ahem, sorry. The post did not budge from its position until seven years later, when President Sarah Palin banned all images of Barack Obama from Sarahpalinland.

Jeeves Bw No post about OS would be complete without news of its latest row. It revolved around the mandatory inclusion of the ad paralyzer and a TOS stipulation that all content is, to quote Propaganda Minister Kerry “Bring on the Sexy” Lauerman, “Mine! Mine! Mine!”

Melissa Bw I’m not even in here!



L  E  G  E  N  D
letters = sequential meta conversations
                   (C occurred after B, B after A, etc.)
numbers = mini-meta tangents within meta conversations
quoted letters = prior meta conversations






















 

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The adorable doggies are Theodora’s famous wonderpups, courtesy of us lovingly pilfering them from her blog.

love lvoe love and HUGE gratitude,

( m&m )
I see the future now . . . and it looks like the movie "Idiocracy." I need a drink.
Boobs and dicks are fun . . .but Puppies take the cake, lol
Quite a history lesson. So much of this is over my head.
This is so . . . straightforward. And funny. Good to see your faces!
Dear God. I am in awe of the pups and dicks and titties here. And proud the feed has changed just a little. We still have pit bulls.
Rofl - the dawgs are cool :)

Your prophetic musings cut o the core of the coming reality... series, even.

peece,
dj
oh, i LOVE this. except that m&m don't seem to be in it. well, melissa anyway. and who is the guy who narrates? i'm confused but happy. i especially love oprah's boobs, obama's hidden swinging dick and, well, of course, the PUPPIES!!!!! i'm so honored that you linked to me and my pups, guys. what is so sad and fucking funny is that this is probably not far off. shit, man, i can't believe that these idiots can't get those posts off the feed. it's just stupid. and now Jodi Kasten is all over it. she's very funny but still!!!! so those posts still being there is, sadly, probably not inaccurate for 6 years ahead!!!! and this one better well be there!!! although you probably need more boobie and dick photos. i'd be happy to provide good cleavage shots as my bazooooom's accelrate along with my Fatitude. dicks? probably have to check with the Tinkertot. love love love and huge gratitude for making me laugh on a day when the fucking asshat manager here will not return my 3rd call to have the AC set up here. and it will be 97 on Sunday. she hates me now and vice versa. but derailing my ac????? oh no, you di-int!!!!!
All my favorite things: salacious news, boobs, and chihuahuas! Rated
Help! Help! Melissa and Michael were abducted by the MadNarrator and the AwfulDawgs. And now the rating flood is imminent. This is more dangerous than the out-of-control broomsticks were. Help! Help!
Um, excuse me..who took Melissa and Michael and replaced them with Oprah's boobs? I am not sure, but I think I see traces of them buried in her cleavage...please return them unharmed.
You know whomever it is that thinks he or she is in charge they don't own anything, not one damn thing. If push came to shove it would be made very clear that we own our writing. It's our property. Once again this was a wonderful post. The whole bullshit ownership thing that OS does pisses me off so much. They are going to screw up and lose everyone if they keep it up.
Cleavage men! You are mad crazy and funny!
Oprah's boobies! Yuck. I'd rather see a naked Hillary.

Meta-Rated
Narrator: Curiously, rumors emerged that through some nefarious conspiracy, the Narrator had abducted poor Melissa and Michael and was now holding them captive inside Oprah’s cleavage. This, of course, was patently ridiculous. Why, the Narrator would never engage in such underhanded and ungentlemanly conduct! To even suggest it is to bring upon your humble narrator pain of heart not likely to heal this eve. The Narrator wishes to assure everyone that no harm has come to either—

Michael: Can anyone hear us?! We seem to be trapped somewhere scary!

Melissa: Halllooooooo!! Anyone out there?

Narrator: (raising voice) No harm has come to either—

Michael: Melissa, do you think you can squeeze out?

Melissa: I don’t know, it doesn’t look like there’s enough room.

Michael: Well, not through the top, but if I move to the right a little, maybe you can squeeze out down there.

Melissa: Okay, a little more . . . a little more to the right. Good . . . That’s it! . . . I’m free!

Narrator: (beginning to panic) No harm has come to them, and we’re experiencing a little technical difficulty, so please bear with us—

Michael: I’m stuck!

Melissa: Oh no!!!! Here, love, grab my hand!

Michael: Pull!

Melissa: You’re not budging.

Michael: Wait, maybe if I turn a little bit . . . this way.

Melissa: It’s working!

Narrator: (starting to drop the act) Please excuse me. I gotta . . . go . . . poop. (runs off)

Michael: Just a little more. . . . That’s it! I’m out! Thank you, love!

Melissa: Huzzah!

Michael: Where did that Narrator go?

Melissa: Oh, you could hear him, too? I thought that was just in my head.

Michael: No, it was the Narrator all right. Or should I say . . . the Evil Anchor! You know television anchors. Wannabe narrators.

Melissa: Always trying to steal the show.

Michael: Where’s the real Narrator, I wonder?

Melissa: I don’t know, let’s look for him in the morning. I’m tired from squeezing out of Oprah’s cleavage.

Michael: Yeah, me, too. Sorry everyone. We’ll return to repair the damage done by the Evil Anchor after we rest up a bit. Until then, goodnight everyone!

Melissa: ’Night, all.

Michael: Melissa? Did you notice that weird smell when we were in Oprah’s cleavage?

Melissa: Like Tiger Rub?

Michael: Yeah, Tiger Rub! Tiger Rub mixed with . . . electricity!
whew...that was a close one.
oh my God!!! i didn't notice you two in the Cleavage before!! that rocks, guys. now that's a safe place to be, in between Queen Oprah's boobies. no one's going to fuck with those puppies. love love love. well, stedman, but who gives a fuck about him? right?
i want your comments to my comments!!!! i love them!!! what can you guys be doing instead of this important mission? okay, i'll be patient. not my strong suit, as we know. love lvoe love
i'd do oprah. just sayin'.
@Theodora:

Theodora: “i want your comments to my comments!!!! i love them!!! what can you guys be doing instead of this important mission? okay, i'll be patient. not my strong suit, as we know.”

Melissa: Okay, okay! We’ll do yours first then :-)

Theodora: oh, i LOVE this. except that m&m don't seem to be in it. well, melissa anyway.

Michael: Hey! Who do you think the third floating head down is with the Irish hair (hair with a mind of its own)?

Theodora: and who is the guy who narrates?

Michael: That’s Stephen Fry (we can reveal his identity now, since consonantsandvowels won the floating head recognition contest a few posts back). Isn’t it nice of Stephen to narrate for us?

Melissa: Actually, in this particular post, it wasn’t Stephen Fry, but the Evil Anchor.

Michael: Wearing a Stephen Fry mask. Uncanny.

Melissa: Haha.

Theodora: i'm confused but happy.

Melissa: Now we hope you’re less confused and even happier :-)

Theodora: i'm so honored that you linked to me and my pups, guys.

Michael: The wonderpups were the very first ones we thought of when we realized we needed pictures of doggies.

Melissa: We’re so glad you didn’t get mad at us for pilfering them! But we wanted to surprise you :-)

Theodora: what is so sad and fucking funny is that this is probably not far off. shit, man, i can't believe that these idiots can't get those posts off the feed.

(both laughing)

Theodora: so those posts still being there is, sadly, probably not inaccurate for 6 years ahead!!!! and this one better well be there!!!

Michael: It looks like we’ve got a lonnnnnnnnnnnng way to go.

Theodora: although you probably need more boobie and dick photos.

Melissa: Sadly, you’re probably right.

Theodora: i'd be happy to provide good cleavage shots as my bazooooom's accelrate along with my Fatitude.

Melissa: How thoughtful of you, Theodora! We’ll be sure to remember that if we ever need more cleavage ;-)

Theodora: dicks? probably have to check with the Tinkertot.

Michael: I think we’ll take a pass :-)

Theodora: love love love and huge gratitude for making me laugh

Michael: Our privilege, Theodora.

Theodora: on a day when the fucking asshat manager here will not return my 3rd call to have the AC set up here. and it will be 97 on Sunday. she hates me now and vice versa. but derailing my ac????? oh no, you di-int!!!!!

Michael: Fecking manager!

Melissa: Can’t wait till you get the AC hooked up. You and your poor doggies must be sweltering!

Theodora: oh my God!!! i didn't notice you two in the Cleavage before!!

Michael: We have mamoore to thank for that :-)

Theodora: that rocks, guys. now that's a safe place to be, in between Queen Oprah's boobies. no one's going to fuck with those puppies. love love love. well, stedman, but who gives a fuck about him? right?

Michael: Actually, we had to escape because of the smell.

Melissa: It wasn’t a bad smell. Just a bit potent.

Michael: Yeah, overwhelming. But the electricity was beginning to scare me.

Melissa: Hahaha.

Michael: We left a trail of breadcrumbs (well, actually, Lego bricks) in case we ever need to get back.
@Owl_Says_Who:

Owl_Says_Who: I see the future now . . . and it looks like the movie "Idiocracy." I need a drink.

Melissa: Sorry, Owl :-) Hope you feel better now.

Michael: If it’s any consolation, we’re terrible at predicting the future.


@LadyMiko:

LadyMiko: Boobs and dicks are fun . . .but Puppies take the cake, lol

Michael: Well, if the puppies have been in the cake, I’m not having any!

Melissa: Haha. Glad to see you back here, LadyMiko. Always happy to make you laugh.


@latethink:

latethink: Quite a history lesson.

Michael: Wouldn’t it be a future lesson?

Melissa: Hahaha. I pray not.

latethink: So much of this is over my head.

Michael: Are you sure it’s just that we’re not very funny? :-)
@Hells Bells:

Melissa: We’re so glad to see you! We were afraid you still thought we were communists ;-)

Hells Bells: This is so . . . straightforward.

Michael: Yes, quite a departure from the usual metaness rigmarole.

Hells Bells: And funny.

Michael: Thank you for saying so, Hells Bells.

Hells Bells: Good to see your faces!

Melissa: I guess we were just a couple of pairs of feet last time you stopped by. Thanks, HB!


@Mission:

Mission: Dear God. I am in awe of the pups and dicks and titties here.

Melissa: It’s a delight to see you here, Mission! Glad we could inject a little awe into your life :-)

Mission: And proud the feed has changed just a little.

Melissa: If only that were really true.

Mission: We still have pit bulls.

Michael: Ye will always have thy pitbulls among thee, sayeth the Kerry.


@David:

David: Rofl

:-)

David: the dawgs are cool :)

Michael: The wonderful wonderful wonderpups!

David: Your prophetic musings cut o the core of the coming reality... series, even.

Michael: God, we hope not.

Melissa: Amen.
Holy Hamhocks, Batman!!! - I was scanning this quickly (missed the 2016 date) and, for a long few moments, I actually thought this was an actual "update" on the latest shenanigans on the O.S. front page (which, "rightly" or "wrongly", I purposefully and intentionally a/void).

The fact that I thought that all this was ACTUALLY POSSIBLE should shed light on why I, like so many of us lately, wonder about my time spent on O.S.

However, I do adore my new O.S. virtual literary and philosophical comrades (yourselves included) - In some sense, ALL of you are merely "floating heads" and abstract personaes that weave in and out of my life and mind...But hey, it works for me in ways I dare not explore too, too carefully...(particularly given my profession!!!)
@Ralph:

Ralph: All my favorite things: salacious news, boobs, and chihuahuas! Rated

Michael: I have a feeling you won’t be a regular ;-)

Melissa: Yeah, sorry to say this is sort of an anomalie for us, Ralph. But we’re glad to see you here!


@GalaxyMan:

GalaxyMan: Help! Help! Melissa and Michael were abducted by the MadNarrator and the AwfulDawgs.

Michael: Thank you, GalaxyMan! Your cries of help worked. It brought mamoore out, who sensed where the Evil Anchor—or as you know him, the MadNarrator—had imprisoned us. But we assure you, the doggies had nothing to do with it. Or did they? . . .

Melissa: Hmm, you could be right. Coco was acting a little suspicious.

GalaxyMan: And now the rating flood is imminent.

Michael: It’s looks like it’s gonna be more like a ratings trickle.

GalaxyMan: This is more dangerous than the out-of-control broomsticks were. Help! Help!

Melissa: Yes, it was quite a harrowing episode. We’re grateful for your concerns on our behalf, GalaxyMan, and we’re happy to have escaped unscathed.


@mamoore:

mamoore: Um, excuse me..who took Melissa and Michael and replaced them with Oprah's boobs? I am not sure, but I think I see traces of them buried in her cleavage...

Michael: Thank you, mamoore! By zeroing in on Oprah’s cleavage, I believe you weakened the spell being cast by the Evil Anchor, which allowed you to see us through the Boobie Barrier.

mamoore: please return them unharmed. . . . whew...that was a close one.

Melissa: Your maternal intuition helped lead to our escape. Thanks for coming to the rescue, Melissa!
@micalpeace:

micalpeace: You know whomever it is that thinks he or she is in charge they don't own anything, not one damn thing. If push came to shove it would be made very clear that we own our writing. It's our property.

Melissa: Guess we touched a nerve there!

Michael: Glad to see that sixties revolutionary attitude is still alive and well in you, Mical.

micalpeace: Once again this was a wonderful post.

Michael: We interrupt this rant to bring you a brief compliment ;-)

Melissa: Now, back to our regularly scheduled ranting.

micalpeace: The whole bullshit ownership thing that OS does pisses me off so much. They are going to screw up and lose everyone if they keep it up.

Michael: Seriously, though, I think you’re right, Mical. First the sensitives, then the principled . . .

Melissa: Then the rest of the creatives once their tolerance for bullshit is exhausted.

Michael: Until all that’s left is non-threatening, unredeeming mush.

Melissa: That would be very sad.


@zumalicious:

zumalicious: Cleavage men!

Michael: Yeah, didn’t you know you have cleavage men? Everybody does. Even men! Except men’s are usually really tiny.

zumalicious: You are mad crazy and funny!

Melissa: That means quite a lot coming from one of the reigning queens of hilarity here. Thanks for making us smile.


@Trudge164:

Trudge164: Oprah's boobies! Yuck. I'd rather see a naked Hillary.

Michael: I’m too tired (and repulsed!) to do a naked Hillary. Sorry, Trudge.

Trudge164: Meta-Rated

Melissa: Wow, I think that’s the first meta-rating we’ve received. Thanks, Trudge, and glad you popped by!
um..was that kurt vonnegut introducing oprah's bounty?
Now that you have opened this canof..um...boobies, i was wondering: is there anywhere you know of on the ne t with a decent shot of (future president) palin's? i have a post in mind, and although it is evil beyound contemplation NOW, in my head, it will come out tasteful, as my posts always do..Also...well...re. her boobs...there is a certain curiosity factor at work here, in this re(hot)-blooded american boy
@Eric:

Eric: Oprah's boobs are so powerful they altar the structure of the stars by their position in the studio.

Melissa: Hahaha.

Michael: Maybe that’s the electricity we smelled!

Eric: Thus the video is somewhere near Alpha Centurai about right now...

Melissa: Let’s hope there isn’t intelligent life out there so they won’t be convinced of the lack of ours.

Eric: And Obama and his swinging .... oh i just cant do it

Michael: It’s best not to speak too much of Barack’s privates, as they contain powers beyond our knowledge and ability to control them.

Melissa: Hahaha. Thanks for visiting, Eric!


@Cap'n Parrotdead:

Cap'n Parrotdead: i'd do oprah. just sayin'.

Michael: Thanks for sharing!

Melissa: And look how much we already know about you!


@Jim:

James: um..was that kurt vonnegut introducing oprah's bounty?

Michael: No. That would be his love child—me ;-)

James: Now that you have opened this canof..um...boobies, i was wondering: is there anywhere you know of on the ne t with a decent shot of (future president) palin's?

Melissa: Thank God, no.

Michael: I would be very surprised if there aren’t already hundreds if not thousands of them out there. All fake, of course.

Melissa: You never know. Didn’t she used to be a model or TV anchor?

Michael: What’s the difference?

James: i have a post in mind, and although it is evil beyound contemplation NOW, in my head, it will come out tasteful, as my posts always do.

Melissa: This sounds terrifying!
@Angie:

Angie: Holy Hamhocks, Batman!!! - I was scanning this quickly (missed the 2016 date) and, for a long few moments, I actually thought this was an actual "update" on the latest shenanigans on the O.S. front page

Michael: That is hilarious. I thought our post was off the charts, but this just shows it’s hard to go too far in parody.

Melissa: Hahaha.

Angie: (which, "rightly" or "wrongly", I purposefully and intentionally a/void).

Melissa: Yes, we have Theodora to thank for insisting that Michael “STAY AWAY FROM THAT FUCKING TRAVESTY OF A COVER PAGE!!!!” We’ve felt much less polluted and despondent as a result.

Michael: Still, the day-to-day uglinesses manage to creep in. Suspicion, exhibitionism, gossip. Basically, a community of people.

Melissa: And one we continue to appreciate, nevertheless :-)

Angie: The fact that I thought that all this was ACTUALLY POSSIBLE should shed light on why I, like so many of us lately, wonder about my time spent on O.S.

Michael: The thing is, when I contemplate alternatives to OS—and I don’t just mean other blog sites—none of them seem as satisfying as what we currently have here. And that’s pretty sad, if you think about it.

Melissa: Yup.

Angie: However, I do adore my new O.S. virtual literary and philosophical comrades (yourselves included)

Melissa: We feel the same way (and about you, too).

Angie: In some sense, ALL of you are merely "floating heads" and abstract personaes that weave in and out of my life and mind...

Michael: I assure you, I’m not an abstract persona, but that doesn’t mean I’m positive what I am :-)

Angie: But hey, it works for me in ways I dare not explore too, too carefully...(particularly given my profession!!!)

(both laughing)
Regarding communities of people: I shall never forget a junior college Sociology "professor" (who looked a bit like Freud but was more "transpersonal" in his awareness) invited our entire class to his home backyard to observe his chicken coop for 2 hours. Once we were all gathered in his yard, he swept his arm broadly in the air, and said, with great drama and finality: "There is all you need to know about how group behavior" (or something quite similar to that). Our final paper, following this observational experience, was to share our observances on "group mind" and conduct and reflect on how this might mirror human nature, particularly as related to group behavior (think "Lord of the Flies" here).

I have never forgotten this "study" - And quite honestly, I have yet to find a group that does not resemble that group of chickens (hens, roosters, chicks, and what have you, in regard to competition, territorialness (is that even a word? i am too lazy to look it up right now), "pecking orders", aggression, flirtation, order, disorder, chaos, helpfulness, parenting, etc...(sigh).
Excellent! I still don't think enough...and I doubt OS wants to desperately own what I write...xox
stop. reverse that. desperately wants.
@Angie:

“Regarding communities of people: I shall never forget a junior college Sociology "professor" (who looked a bit like Freud but was more "transpersonal" in his awareness) invited our entire class to his home backyard to observe his chicken coop for 2 hours.”

Thanks for the fascinating followup, Angie! We’ve learned a lot about these sorts of behaviors from observing the relationship between Franny and Zooey. We’ve actually had to alter their setup based on things we noticed that would cause territorial conflicts. The best example is their hideyhole: a couple of years ago, we got them a hideyhole that they absolutely LOVED. So much so that we had to get a second one because they were fighting so much over who got to be inside the hideyhole or on its perch, or anywhere in the vicinity of the beloved hideyhole. When we got a second one, we noticed the fighting didn’t stop, however. The conflict then became about whichever hideyhole FRANNY had decided was the favored one of the moment. Finally, their fights became so bad, we actually had to take the hideyholes away! It was sad that we had to take away one of their favorite things, but their relationship was much more peaceable after that.

( m&m )
@Robin:

“Excellent!”

Thank you, Robin!

“I still don't think enough...and I doubt OS wants to desperately own what I write...xox . . . stop. reverse that. desperately wants.”

(both smiling)
Gads. What would Oscar Wilde have to say about this?
Ya can't even wake up these days to pea off the back porch?
I just thought I'd relive myself instead of wetting my bed and peep!
Now, after this eyebrow-raising post, how's one supposed to sleep?
How do you bloggers learn to do this fancy cut and paste. It's pooh?huh? Pooh-pooh pooh-bah? Possum learn to do this in first grade? 2nd?
You terrified if you need to work a lawsuit to the Supreme Courts?
You may be alleging:`that Barack Obama violated copyright tights? You were no impudent couple before. You brazen in Ophra's braw? You
bad!
You
bride
groom
nasty too!
You Vegan!
You No hostile!
You sued by BO!
You love Ophra!
You sue a parrot?
You love S. Palin?
You confused too?
You pee off porch?
You sleep together?
You ruins a Sunday!
You expect to sleep?
You two low downs!
@Arthur:

Arthur: Gads. What would Oscar Wilde have to say about this?

Oscar Wilde: “Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.”
Metanese (m&m)
You flunk spieling?
No subtle hotel intent.
Oscar had a grand piano?
At lest we learn together.
Gosh, I can't imagine boobies I'd rather NOT see than Oprah Winfrey's. Then again, I may pass on Obama's swinging member. Now, puppies...bring 'em on!

Oh and I loved the inclusion of the legend!
Rumor has it Oprah's boobies are in negotiations with each other. Teddy's wonderpups are said to be running the arbitration.
I am gobsmacked. I may never recover from that cleavage shot. Also, Brian got gypped.
@Beth:

Beth: Gosh, I can't imagine boobies I'd rather NOT see than Oprah Winfrey's. Then again, I may pass on Obama's swinging member.

Michael: I’m gonna betray an artistic trust and reveal the SHOCKING truth: those aren’t actually Oprah’s boobies!!!! Nor is that Obama’s body!

Melissa: Thomas did an amazing job, didn’t he?

Beth: Now, puppies...bring 'em on!

Melissa: Looks like you’re in luck—Theodora just posted more pics of the fabulous wonderpups!

Beth: Oh and I loved the inclusion of the legend!

:-)
@Mr. Mustard:

Mr. Mustard: Rumor has it Oprah's boobies are in negotiations with each other.

Michael: We heard a certain rumbling this way or that while we were imprisoned there, but from what we know of the right booby, it’ll probably fall through.

Mr. Mustard: Teddy's wonderpups are said to be running the arbitration.

Melissa: Oh! Well, now that we know canine superpowers are involved, we’ll have to amend our bets.

Michael: Still, I hear Cocoa and Ella are too busy having SEX SEX SEX to follow the negotiations.
@consonantsandvowels:

consonantsandvowels: I am gobsmacked.

Michael: We are truly sorry if the actions of the Evil Anchor have caused you undue shock. The EA has fled and failed to return, so everything appears to be back to normal. For now . . . (queue sinister laughter)

consonantsandvowels: I may never recover from that cleavage shot.

Melissa: Oh, we hope you do. We need your faculties fully intact so you can continue writing works of poetic genius.

consonantsandvowels: Also, Brian got gypped.

Michael: Don’t feel bad for Brian. He got back at Thomas later that week when he ransomed Thomas’s Spider Man comic books and autographed poster of Michelangelo for his withheld dime. Thomas lasted seven minutes before cracking.