This Halloween I've decided that my ex-husband should be a zombie. I'm not an authority on zombies, but I've heard that they're single-minded and  impossible to reason with and hard to get rid of, and so is he. I can't make him disappear or be reasonable  and we've been officially divorced for four-and- a half-years.    

In February of 2003, the night I returned from a trip to visit my sister who'd had a new baby, I was told that he was having divorce papers served to me.  The server showed up promptly at 8:00 the following morning, after the girls had left for school.  I had been unhappy in the marriage for awhile, and had mostly given up hope that things would improve.  But because of concerns about the effect on the girls and that we couldn't support two households,  I had decided to put any decision on hold for a few years.  When he made the move seemingly out-of-the- blue it came as a shock.  The girls didn't see it coming,  either.  Our unhappiness didn't show up in fighting; it was more like there was a distance (the size of the Grand Canyon)  between us. A marriage counselor (yes, we had tried to make things better)  once told us we didn't have enough trust to actually fight.

Our house is old and ordinary but our neighborhood is remarkably close.   I know the names of almost everyone on my block and have been in most of their homes and they've been in mine.  Some of my good friends are like surrogate aunts and uncles to my girls.  We have annual picnic and softball game on the 4th of July where an inning is once through the batting order and we don't keep score.  We celebrate graduations and weddings  and share sorrows.  We regularly get together for Saturday morning coffees or occcasionally a happy hour.

According to the divorce decree,  our house was supposed to be put on the market within three months of YD's high school graduation (2007) unless one of us bought the other one's share.  I had no money to buy him out and no desire to find a new home for myself, YD, the dog and three cats ,  so I waited.  Now my feelings are more mixed.  Part of me would like to not have the worries about upkeep and paying for repairs.  And being away from this house would go a long way towards cutting ties with EX. The dog is now 14-years old and there's just one cat, so it will be easier to find a place that would take us.  But thinking about leaving the neighborhood makes me sad.    

EX is  alternately whiny/wheedling or bullying/demanding.  He claims he's having trouble making payments on the house he bought a couple years ago,  that his credit is ruined, and that he's facing bankruptcy.  And all these things are MY FAULT.  When I told him I don't accept responsibility for his situation (while thinking of his Audi convertible and three other cars and motorcyle and ski trips) I managed to say it without laughing.  

I didn't leave our marriage  because I wasn't ready to face the changes divorce would bring, but EX seemed to think he could get a divorce and that his life could stay the same, just without my annoying presence.   He wanted me to pack a bag and go somewhere, leaving him in the house with the girls, and why couldn't I me more cooperative with what he wanted? 

At first he said,  "I'll get an apartment nearby"  but that quickly changed to his refusing to move out.   He set up an inflatable bed in the unfinished creepy basement from March until August, when he finally moved into an apartment only after a court order said he had to.  Coincidentally, the day he was ordered to be out was the same day our oldest daughter was scheduled to leave for college in another state. I took her and helped her move into her dormitory, not knowing what I might face when I got back. 

Next he decided to fight for the house and custody of the now-14-year-old YD.  All three of us had to interviewed by a guardian ad-litem, who also talked to some of our friends and relatives in order to determine YD's best interests.  He also proposed that we could  sell the house right away, which didn't seem like a good idea to me, because YD had been diagnosed with ADD and was  struggling with  school and  it seemed important to maintain her stable home base. 

My goals were  straightforward:  (1) to remain in the house with YD and have it available for Older Daughter (OD)  when she was home on breaks (2) to be able to pay my bills (3) and to get my name changed back to my maiden name.  Joint or sole custody didn't make that much difference,  since  no travel arrangements were involved, and (as I pointed out to the ex) 14-yr-olds prefer to be with their friends rather than their parents.  I didn't expect maintenance.  If there had been two reasonable people involved we would have had it over with in a few months.  But since only the Respondent in these proceeding was reasonable, it dragged on. Hearings, court dates, motions... and the costs piled up. 

My lawyer, T,  was the  friend of a friend.  He and EX clashed from the start, so for much of the two+  years I felt like I was caught in the middle of their testosterone war.  I once told T,  "Remember that you're FOR me and not AGAINST him."  EX's lawyer was a woman. She ended up being off his case the day before our final court date.  I'm still not  clear about the reason -- I suspect she couldn't or wouldn't deal with EX as a client anymore.  EX chose to represent himself in court.  And we had a trial.  Since then I've learned than fewer than four per cent of divorces actually go to trial. Lucky me, to be in the select few.  

That day a bailiff  sat in the court room to ensure that EX and T didn't start throwing punches.  I remember spelling my maiden name because I wanted to change back to the name I was given when I was born.  I remember answering questions about cars and bills and expenses.  We got a break for lunch. I remember the referee commenting to the reporter that she needed to get home and check on her dog who wasn't feeling well. I remember thinking EX was grasping at straws when he told the judge that YD's being sent home from school because her skirt was too short  was an example of my "bad parenting."   I remember feeling wrung out at the end of the day. 

About a month later the  papers -- all 36 pages of them --  arrived in the mail. We were officially divorced, and I had sole physical custody of our daughter and occupancy of the house until three months after YD's graduation from high school.  He was supposed to sign a quit claim on the deed by a certain date, which came and went. I eventually took the decree to an office where I paid a fee to get the title in my name.  But the last refinance had been in his name only, so for six years I'm the one who has paid the mortgage, taxes, and repairs. 

Fast forward to two plus years since YD graduated.  She's 20 and still living here.  EX lives about a mile away.  He likes to remind me that I "owe" him his share of the house, as stated in the divorce decree.  Sometimes he says it pleadingly and sometimes it's in a vaguely threatening way.  "Someone told me I COULD evict you."   So I say yes, and remind him that I did make a proposal to refinance and buy him out about a year and a half ago, and my proposal included deductions for the $20,000 he was supposed to give me in retirement funds and the two years of underpaid child support. He refused to consider that offer because the retirement funds and back child support are "unrelated."    But two lawyers I spoke with said it's standard procedure.  (The lawyer I worked with can't help because he died this past summer. He was only in his mid-50's.) 

A friend who is a financial planner helped me come up with a number to suggest to EX based on an appraisal of the house's value, calculating shares  based on stipulations in the decree, and deducting  the items above.  But EX will probably turn it down again, which means it's likely I'll be back in court.  Once he seemed to think I would walk away from the kids and house because he wanted me to. Now he apparently believes he can cherry pick which  parts of the divorce decree actually apply to our situation, and ignore the ones he doesn't like.  

I recently learned that EX has incurred a balance of $11,000 on a joint credit card that still has my name on it.  So if he were to be hit by a bus (not that I've ever had such thoughts -- well, maybe I have)  I would be responsible for that debt.  He wants me to come up with money to refinance and buy him out but at the same time he's sabotaging my credit rating.  And he refuses to allow me to talk to the company to whom I've been paying the mortgage (which is in his name) for six years.

Lawyers and courtrooms and deluded ex-(zombie) husbands ... these are a few of my unfavorite things.  It's time to eat my Wheaties and prepare for another round.

Here comes the judge.