Every morning Jason curled himself up in the corner with a large blanket and seven pillows and shook and cried.

     “He’s dead.  He’s been dead for over a year.  He didn’t just go to plow the back forty.  He’s fucking dead.  They are all dead and/or dying.”

     I bent down and put my arm around Jason, “Damn Jason you have got to get through this.”

     Jason was sobbing, “Can you believe she died in a fiery car crash; a head on collision with a semi.  How the fuck does that happen?  Drinking?  Sleeping?  Not paying attention?  On purpose?  I mean what is the point man.  Why put so much love and effort into this life knowing that nothing lasts. Absolutely nothing lasts!”

     At the right moment I would have agreed completely with Jason.  There were a number of times in my life where I seriously wondered why we tried at all.  I could hear Ringo singing, “It don’t come easy” somewhere off in the apartment.  “Listen Jason, I’ve got to get going.  Are you going to be ok?”

     Jason sat up, “Yea, yea I’ll be alright.  I’ll be alright.  Just let the meds kick in and I’ll be my nice calm sedated self.  I’ll just sit at the computer and surf ridiculous information all day and not think about just how unbelievably terrible this life really is.  Go, just go, I’m fine.”

     This pissed me off, “Damnit Jason you know I want to do whatever it takes to make sure you are ok but you have got to help out here also.”  I turned and started gathering up my keys and stuff.

     Jason had called me two hours earlier at like five in the morning screaming and crying.  Man he was such a mess.  I needed to get some coffee and clear my head.  Jason’s crazy could kick up my crazy really quick and I wasn’t willing to go back there again, not now at least.

     The last thing I heard Jason saying was, “We are all so broken.  Hi how are you?  Fuck you!  Hi how are you?  Fuck you!  High how are you?  Fuck you!”

     My mind was on fire.  The people Jason was talking about were family and friends of mine also and there had even been more people who had died or gotten very sick that I knew. 

      I knew the fear that Jason was feeling and it was hard for me not to just turn around and go and lay down on the floor with Jason and hug the pillows but I knew that wasn’t how to get through this life or at least that was where my head was right now.

     I got my coffee and figured I would swing by Jason’s again before I went on with my day.

     I knocked by no answer which wasn’t unusual for Jason.  I had a key so I let myself in.  Jason was still in the corner but he wasn’t saying anything.  There were two empty bottles of pills next to his face and an empty bottle of Vodka.  I had only been gone twenty minutes but it was enough time for Jason to swallow all the pills and down the booze and fucking die.  More than likely the pills hadn’t even hit yet but a bottle of Vodka after being sober for so long was probably what stopped his heart.  What a bastard.

     I didn’t call the police until I got home.  I didn’t want to have to deal with the whole situation.

     I called Jenny to let her know.  She sobbed on the phone not so much because she felt such a terrible loss for Jason but more for the sheer stupidity of Jason’s actions. 

     Jason had been going downhill for a while.  I suppose we all knew this was a possibility but I don’t think you are ever completely ready for it, at least I’m not.  The idea of ending this life just seems so ridiculous to me. 

     The most devout, obsessively religious person in the world cannot guarantee what happens after this so to end this prematurely seems so senseless, so stupid.

     Jenny, “So are you home John?  Can I come over?”

     I told Jenny it was more than fine for her to come over.  “We’ll go get something to eat if you want.”

     Jenny, “That sounds good John, and being held right now sounds good.”

     I said, “We can hold each other also Jenny, of course.”

     Jenny lived about twenty-five minutes away so I figured it gave me enough time to freshen up a little.

     After an hour of waiting on Jenny I called her cell but it went to voice mail.  It wasn’t like Jenny to not call if something came up.  It wasn’t like Jenny to not show up.  Something had happened.  I knew it.  I could feel it from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.

     I figured I would lay on the couch and read until she showed up or I heard something different.  I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till three in the morning.  There had been no calls.  I went to bed and slept in the next morning.

     I got up around nine and called Jenny’s work and they told me that she never came in.  I called Jenny’s mom and she informed me that it looked like Jenny had taken her own life.  She was found dead in her apartment with empty pill bottles and booze.

     It didn’t make any sense at all.  Jen was not someone that considered suicide as an option and for that matter even at Jason’s worst he never gave any indication that he wanted to kill himself.  Jason seemed fine just being miserable.

     I had a feeling crawling up my spine and it didn’t feel good.  Something wasn’t right here.  Something was very, very wrong here.

     There was a knock at the door.  I went and no one was there.  Taped to my door was a note that had been written in a black marker.  It said, “It’s time to pay.  The karma train has come to town.”

cool peace

hippy mike

love