“I didn’t want it to end up this way.  I didn’t want to end up feeling the way I do about my relationships, my life, my failures and my successes.  I had such a different view of what was going to happen.  I feel dead inside.”

     “Boy, the thing you feared the most has come to pass.”

     John wheeled around in his chair and was looking at his dead father standing in the kitchen of his apartment.  “Jesus, I wondered when you would show up.  How are you dad?  I’ll bet you’re warm now that you are in hell.  You were always bitching about being cold.”

     John Alder stood there in blue coveralls, a blue pocket t-shirt and his John Deere Hat.  He was in his stocking feet which John found unusual.  “You swore to God your whole life you wouldn’t end up like me and look at you!  You are exactly like me.  You are frightened, obsessed, insecure, riddled with guilt and shame and a prisoner of your own mind and your safe little home.  The only thing you don’t have that I had is a woman, like your mother.”

     John was up and on his feet headed for the ghost that was in his kitchen, “I’m nothing like you!  I never was and I never will be.  I never gave up.  I am still fighting.  You!  You gave up on your boys, your wife, your job and your own life.  I refuse to be like you dad.  I couldn’t if I even wanted to.  I would rather kill myself.”

     John’s father began to shake and cry in front of him.  “My God boy was I that bad of a father to you?”

     John was knocked back by the emotion that he was witnessing from the ghost of his father, “No, no dad.  You were a good dad.  You did the best you could and you worked hard all of your life.  I’m sorry I said that, please forgive me.  Considering what your father was like.  You did one hell of a job.”

     John Alder stopped crying and shaking and stood pointing at John, “You are not like me boy.  You are right, you are a fighter but you are one breath away from being defeated and I can’t let that happen.  I just can’t stand by and let you throw it all away.  You have been fighting your whole life to get where you are today.  You are so close boy.  You can’t give up now.”

     John Alder faded and disappeared.

     A small child, around 12 years old was standing in the place where John Alder had been standing.  John started to shake uncontrollably.  He knew the face of this child.  “No!  No my God no!  What are you doing here?”

     The small girl looked up and smiled at John.  My name is Jill and my father killed me.  He drowned me in a bathtub in our back yard.  You knew my father.  You know what he was capable of.  I thought you were going to be my savior but you just ended up being a drunk.  You couldn’t even save your own family, save yourself.

     Your daddy’s right Johnny boy you are running out of time.

     Jill faded away and disappeared and John fell to the kitchen floor out cold.

     “John!  John, are you alright?  Damnit!  John!”

     Nathan was over John trying to get him to respond.  It had been two days and no one had heard from John.  For two solid days John had been laying on his kitchen floor.  John growled, “I have to piss worse than I have ever had to pee.”

     John got up and ran to the bathroom.

     Twenty minutes later John came stumbling back out into the room.  Nathan was sitting at the computer.  John plopped down on the couch, “What time is it?”

     Nathan said, “Its three o’clock, Thursday, January 5th 2012.  Did you start doing drugs or drinking again?”

     John growled, “God damnit you know I haven’t.  I’m not in jail and the apartment is still in one piece.  You wouldn’t believe me if I told you what has been going on.”

     Nathan laughed, “You are probably right.  Listen, me and the boys are going on a drive.  Do you want to go?”

     John got up from the couch.  “Can I take a quick shower and put on some clean clothes?”

     Nathan got to his feet, “Yea, yea, just come over to the house when you are ready, there’s no hurry.”

cool peace

hippy mike

love

 The Seventh Sun 

Confusion

Adventure

Something more

Awake

Message in a broken bottle

Keeping the faith even when you don't believe

Dreaming of a dark place