Have any of you women ever noticed that your insignificant other seems a little grumpy as he sits on the couch channel surfing while you slave around the house doing everything else that holds your life together? I thought so. The problem could be that you’re not feeding Useless enough Man Food.
You probably feed him healthy meals on a regular basis, which is a great idea because, Lord knows he can’t feed himself. Plus he’ll live longer and you’ll have someone to complain about well into old age.
This is a great plan and will help keep the yard mowed and the car waxed for years to come, but when Happy turns to Grumpy, you need to throw the old dog a bone and feed him some Man Food.
Now it’s true that you can’t feed him like this all the time or you’ll end up with a cholesterol laden time bomb the size of a compact car, but once in a while won’t kill him, so give him some Man Food on occasion, scratch his belly and he’ll be easier to deal with for a while.
For this meal you will need some fish. Tell Grumpy to get up off his dead ass and head down to the lake and catch some dinner. After all he’s the hunter in the group. The fresh air will do him some good and he won’t be under your feet. If he reneges, tell him the gutters need to be cleaned again and he’ll head straight to the tackle box and be out of your hair for a few hours.
Or you can do what I do and have a visiting friend from Michigan bring down some lake perch with him. If worse comes to worse you may have to buy some fish. Life sucks like that sometimes.
To round out the meal we’ll fry some potatoes and make some beans and weenies. A cheap box of mac & cheese and a side salad and your Prince of Paunch will be happy for a month, trust me.
First, dice and fry some potatoes. Don’t forget the onions. If you don’t know how to fry potatoes, you don’t deserve a man. Call a divorce lawyer and start proceedings.
Next we’ll make the beans and weenies the way men like them. I like to use smoked sausage and onions. Slice the sausage just like you would slice those poisonous hot dogs you feed to the neighbor kids. Don’t forget the onions. If your man doesn’t like onions, get rid of him. He’s not worth having. You can keep the house and car.
Fry the sausage and onions in a pan until they’re caramelized. Drain the oil and set them aside. Open a big can of Bushes Baked Beans (any flavor) and pour them in a bowl. Add three or four tablespoons of A-1 sauce. Combine with the sausage and onion and heat the rest of the way in the microwave. Grumpy will love these.
Now for the fish. I’ve been frying fish all my life so I know fish. Pay attention this is super easy. I like a dry batter. It barely coats the fish and won’t soak up a lot of oil. Choose a batter you like. Spice it up with Herbs if you like. You can jazz up some all purpose flour if you like. The fish won’t know the difference. They're dead.
Make sure the fish is at least damp if not wet. I use a bowl with a snap on lid for shaking, but anyway you get the batter on the fish is fine. They don’t care.
I don’t have a deep fryer and that’s ok. I just use a pot on the stove. It’s easy to control the heat that way. Fish cooks really fast, so I cook it hot and fast. That’s very important, hot and fast. 400 degrees will do the trick. Like I said, what little batter is on the fish won’t soak up a lot of oil that way and Hubby’s heart won’t go pop like a champagne cork.
I like to use peanut oil because it takes the high heat well. You can use any type of oil you like, just don’t use motor oil. That’s for the car.
Tap the excess batter off of the fish and put them in the oil. Love that sizzle. They should start floating after a minute or so. Stir them and role them over for about three more minutes. You’ll know when they’re done. Just don’t over cook them. Remove and drain on a paper towel.
I hope you made the mac & cheese and the salad. I shouldn’t have to tell you everything. Skip the mac & cheese if you want. That stuff will kill you. Or feed it to the kids.
Load up a plate, stick it front of Grumpy and put a fork in his hand. He’ll know what to do next. You may even see a tear of joy if you look close enough.
Man Food is dangerous and should be used sparingly. Repeat only when necessary to achieve desired results from that slug you married. After all, he is your slug and you love him.
PS. Ditto for chicken wings.