Dear Penis: An Ode for Bobbot
Bobbot recently posted about the penis monologues. I'm not really sure what that is though, I do know that his point was to have an open discussion about penises. I don't normally have open discussions about penises, so I was kind of left in the lurch as to what I was expected to say. I said that I thought I could "cum up with a post", so here it is.
I don't know if any of you have a favorite penis song, but I do. I've included it along with a couple other penis songs for your enjoyment, so without further ado, I offer for your amusment "Dear Penis" by Rodney Carrington.
Dear Penis,
I don't think I like you anymore,You used to watch me shave,
Now all ya do is stare at the floor,
Oh dear penis,
I don't like you anymore.
It used to be you and me,
A paper towel and a dirty magazine,
That's all we needed to get by,
Now it seems things have changed,
And I think that you're the one to blame,
Dear penis,
I don't like you anymore.
(penis sings)
Dear Rodney,
I don't think I like you anymore,
'Cus when you get to drinking,
You put me places I've never been before,
Dear Rodney,
I don't like you anymore.
Why can't we just get a grip,
On our man to hand relationship,
Come to terms with truly how we feel,
If we put our heads together,
We'd just stay home forever,
Dear penis,
I think I like you after all.
Oh and Rodney,
While you're shaving, shave my balls.
And then there is the penis song from the movie "The Sweetest Thing"
And last, but not least, "Not the Noel Coward Penis Song" from Monte Python.
This one Dayna Vance told me about, "Penis Envy".
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Jan Wilberg
Margaret Feike
Dianne Schuch - Lindsey
MichelleD
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Susie Lindau
Salon.com
Comments
I woke up this morning
with a bad hangover
and my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time:
it's detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time:
I can leave it home
when I think it's going to get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out
when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party,
get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment
and I couldn't find it
so I called up the place where the party was.
They hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
(because for some reason I leave it there sometimes)
but not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called some other people from the party
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed.
So I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast.
Then as I walked down Second Avenue
towards St. Mark's place where all those
people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him,
He wanted 22 bucks,
but I talked him down to 17.
I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on.
I was happy again.
Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but,
I don't know. Even though it's sometimes a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
I like the idea of penis posts, and I like the songs.
Happy penis day!
On the other hand, it now seems there s/b a lot more...
The next step is a picture book, "Good Night, Bone."
Jane, You are funny. I had to sift through many penis songs to find the one I wanted. Who knew? Not I.
Cap'n, I didn't have any little blue pills to pump up this post.
Unbreakable, apparently penises are more inspiring than first thought.
Eric, I will go there now. This sounds good, though I like mine attached.
Nana, That is a new one on me! Just when you think you've heard it all...........
Tink, Penises are misunderstood and need to have their egos stroked often. I don't feel they get the respect they deserve.
Sirenita, See?! Everybody wins! Life is good!
Scanner, I will take that as a grand compliment!
Mission, I love the idea of Penis Day! But which day would be best? I'd hate to give up Foody Tuesday, after all, a penis has to eat.
Scoubi, Another great idea!!!
Life is Good, A classic! How could I have forgotten that one?! I will blame that on the insomnia, too!
Robin, A conga Line works for me. Now we just need someone to start. Are you game? I'm right be hind you!
RATED big time
Blue, I knew that. I do have this on a DAC album and the original video gave credit to DAC. I switched videos and gave credit where credit is due. To Rodney Carrington. This is a better video, Too! So thanks for pointing that out.
I thought there might be some sickos out there that may have heard this song and you were the first to come to mind! };-[)
There’s no tighter relationship than between a boy and his log. No matter what I’ve done to mine: zipped it, choked it, bashed its brains out in the heart of darkness, suffocated it with rubber bags...it has never been resentful and remains a constant source of joy and pleasure. Like the giving tree, it continues to give unselfishly; has a great attitude; and always wants to party.
Sheesh, when I think of what I put it through during the nefarious Junior High years when I couldn’t find enough things to try with it, Yikes...but in fairness, there were no instructions, only euphoria. Thankfully neither of us was ever hurt and we survived the horribly embarrassing moments, we don't like to think about - that is what selective memory is for.
I confess, I’ve always been bad to the bone – but the bone likes it. Logging out.
Thanks for the laugh, Michael!
Delia, glad you enjoyed the size of my post. };-[)
JK Brady, Just make sure you whistle instead of sing and no one will know the wiser.
Blue, I've never heard of the Bob and Tom show, but then I've led a sheltered life.
Bobbot, I don't talk about my penis in an open forum. Just let it be known that Jr. is in fine form and ready for action at the drop of a skirt. ;-)
Gwen, I agree with your husband!
Mare, Anything to keep the people moving!
Graham, Thanks for sharing, but I'm not sure I was ready for that much information! Hehehehe.
Miko, I knew you'd be by with the mention of penis. (snicker)
Zuma, I can honestly say I don't know which has kept me up most nights, Insomnia or my penis. It's definitely a battle to get any sleep around here.
"If I had a penis
I'd wear it outside
In cafes and car lots
With pomp and with pride
If I had a penis
I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub
And use me as a stopper
If I had a penis
I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it
And shove it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows
And teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys
On Thanksgiving Day"
There's more, but the end gets me every time:
"If I had a penis
I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain
If I had a penis
I'd still be a girl
But I'd make much more money
And conquer the world."
Dayna, That one is tooooo funny!! I didn't see that one on You tube. I'll go look again! Hehehehe. Penis songs.
Joke:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"You mean you breathe through THAT?"
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