Early last Friday morning the President of the United States was awakened by his daughters Sasha and Melea to the news that he had won the Nobel Prize for Peace.

“Daddy wake up, there’s people on the lawn again!” Sasha said.

“Let the Secret Service tend to it, Sweetie. Daddy’s had a rough week and needs just a little more sleep.”

Melea chimed in, “No Daddy, they all have those press badges and say you won a noble or something like that. Does a noble look like a gerbil, Daddy? If it’s cute, can we keep it?”

“No Sweetie, the dog might eat it. Now if you girls will just let me get a few mor….”

“DADDY, GET UUUPPPP!!!” they squealed.

“Okay, okay, I’m up, what’s so important?”

Just then Rahm Emmanuel was banging on the door. “Sir, you have to get up it seems you’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Rahm, I told you no more practical jokes.”

“No joke sir. There is a press gathering on the lawn. Please hurry and get dressed.”

President Obama readied himself while Rahm threw together a hastily written speech. Obama then exited the White House and stepped up to the podium on the east lawn.

“This is quite a surprise. First I’d like to say that I’m humbled and….”

“You lie!” screamed Joe Wilson.

“Joe, You can’t handle the truth. You know that.” Obama countered.

“You lie!” Wilson retorted.

“All right Joe, enough. Have it your way. I’ll tell you the truth, but you’re not going to like it.”

“You....... lie.”

“Shut up, Joe. You are a racist asshole and you’re an embarrassment to yourself, your state and your party. How’s that for some truth. Anybody else need some early morning truth?”

Rush Limbaugh was the next to speak, “This fully exposes the illusion that is Barack Obama."

Obama wasn't in the mood, “Save it for your radio show, Rush. You want an illusion? Just look in the mirror. You spend all your time sitting on your fat ass and stirring people up with lies and bullshit so that you can make money off of your ratings. You are a pathetic, racist, bigoted, greedy, know-it-all, pile of horseshit and a complete waste of valuable space. You don’t give a crap about anyone but yourself, so sit your fat ass down. I got your illusion swinging right here.” Obama said as he grabbed his crotch.

The President continued, “Let me be clear. I do not view it as recognition of my own accomplishments but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all natio....."

Michael Steele broke in. “It is unfortunate that the president's star power has outshined tireless advocates who have made real achievements working towards peace and human rights. What has President Obama actually accomplished?"

“Well if it isn’t Mr. Steele. Hello, Michael. Let me start by saying that I get more done before breakfast than you get done in a year, so shut the hell up. Your meaningless job of coming up with rhetoric that your own party doesn’t agree with half the time is well.... meaningless. How many times have they told you to shut up in the last few months, Michael? You don’t even realize you were picked to be head of the RNC just to show that the GOP cares about black people even though they don‘t. If it weren’t for the fact that I'm black you wouldn’t even have a job, so don’t lecture me about accomplishments. Now sit down like the Republican token that you are.”

“You Lie!”

“Fuck you, Joe.”

"I think that much of what he has accomplished already is going to be far more appreciated in the eyes of history, as it has been by the Nobel committee," Al Gore said.

“Why thank you, Al. I will do my best to live up to that assessment. By the way, how does that Nobel look up on your mantle?”

“It looks good, Mr. President. It looks real goo…”

Limbaugh  interrupted again , "And with this 'award' the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to not do the surge in Afghanistan, not take action against Iran and its nuclear program and to basically continue his intentions to emasculate the United States. They love a weakened, neutered U.S., and this is their way of promoting that concept. I think God has a great sense of humor, too."

“Just what is your fucking problem Limpbag? Yeah, God’s got a great sense of humor. Just look at yourself, for example. You’re a self loathing sloth. Do yourself a favor and skip a meal every once in a while and you'll live longer........On second thought, never mind."

"And while we're on the subject, you’ve got a lot of nerve using the word neutered in a sentence. Hell, you’re so fat, I doubt you’ve seen your own dick without a mirror on a stick since the second grade. I hear too many of those oxycontins you like so well will eventually make your berries shrivel up like raisins. Any truth to that, Rush?.... What kind of a name is Rush, anyway? You haven‘t Rushed anything but a fork to your fat face in forty years. You are about the poorest excuse for a pecker track on the bedsheet of life that I've ever met. You're like a slab of flab with a mouth on top.”

GOP Rep. Gresham Barrett, who is running for governor of South Carolina, was next to mock Obama's award.

"I'm not sure what the international community loves best; your waffling on Afghanistan, pulling defense missiles out of Eastern Europe, turning your back on freedom fighters in Honduras, coddling Castro, siding with Palestinians against Israel, or almost getting tough on Iran," Barrett said.

“Why are you speaking? Who the hell are you, anyway? Ohhhh, I recognize you now. You're another one of those racist dickheads from South Carolina. What are they putting in the water at the Capital down there that makes you politicians hate Americans so much, Gresh? I know the fine people down there sure deserve better than the likes of you. Tell me, are all the Republicans from South Carolina so inbred with each other that you just can’t think of any other answer to a problem except war? While we’re on the subject of war, here’s a news flash for you. The Civic War has been over for a hundred and forty years. You lost. Get over it, asshole!”

Obama threw a book at Barrett and hit him square in the face with it. “Here’s a dictionary. Look up the word diplomacy if you can spell it and don’t speak to me again until you understand what it means or I‘ll come over there and kick your redneck ass.”

“You Lie!”

“Joe, you useless fucking fuck. That’s about all the crap I’m going to take from you. Secret Service! Why don’t a couple of you gentlemen take ol’ Joe here around back to the woodshed and teach him some manners……..Chicago style.”

Two large hand picked muscles dressed in dark suits and dark glasses grab Joe Wilson by the arms and drag him kicking and screaming around the side of the White House and out of sight of the gathering.

“Thanks, Flathead. Thanks, Neckbolt. I love those two guys. Both of them have hearts of gold and would do just about anything I ask of them. The girls gave them those pet names. Cute, huh? Now... Where were we?”

Glenn Beck was sobbing uncontrollably and started blabbering incoherently, "The Nobel Peace Prize should be turned down by Barack Obama and given ... to the Tea Party goers and the 9-12 Project because -- because of the arrogance ... because of the arrogance of the progressives that thought no one would stand in their way, that he would be able to accomplish everything. Two weeks into his presidency, they nominated him for it and said, oh, this is going to be a slam dunk. And because of the Tea Party goers and the 9-12 Project people that stood in his way and stopped him from accomplishing the things that he thought -- please, I'm the messiah. I'll be able to accomplish that. We have now seen -- we are now pulling the curtain back and seeing, oh, wait a minute, he just got an award for doing things he couldn't get done. Hmm."

 Obama let him finish while shaking his head, “Beck? What in the Hell are you talking about? Are you out of your fucking mind? Don’t you ever talk in complete sentences or finish a thought?  Look…. I got your tea baggers right here, asswipe,” he said while grabbing his crotch again.  “9-12 Project my skinny black ass. You didn’t even show up for your own shindig, you useless putz. Do you really think those misguided souls that watch Farce News would listen to a word you say if they ever found out that you are a closet homosexual and wear your Momma's bra and panties on the air? Not that there‘s anything wrong with that, but still you’re the biggest fucking cry baby on TV and you make me want to puke. I‘m curious Gwenn. Is their any truth to that rumor that you raped and killed a little kid back '90, or was it a small farm animal? I can't quite remember. Maybe it was a goat.”

Glenn Beck ran flailing and bawling across the White House lawn while the two Secret Servicemen dragged a barely conscious Joe Wilson back from around the corner and propped him up in a chair.

“Did you learn anything back there, Joe?”

“Yes sir, Mr. President.”

“What city do you wish won the bid for the Olympics, Joe?”

“Chicago, Mr. President.”

“That’s better. Good manners aren‘t that hard to learn, are they Joe? You want some more of that good old fashioned Chicago truth?”

‘No Sir, Mr. President.”

Ann Coulter charged in, “You’re just trying to indoctrinate Joe just like you are the American children and that’s a pussy thing to do!”

“Well, if it isn’t Andy Coulter, the gender confused whatever you are. I can’t imagine what you could know about pussy with an Adam’s Apple the size of an avacado, but I hear you have a huge cock, so I’m glad for you. Sorry to hear about that tornado dropping a house on your sister and all. Now why don‘t you hop on your broom and go find a little doggie to terrorize.”

Bill Kristol couldn’t hold it in any longer, “Mikhail Gorbachev won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1990. A year later, he was out of power and the Soviet Union had dissolved. Let’s hope the parallel extends this far: that a year from now the Democrats suffer a major electoral repudiation, and that the New Liberalism goes the way of Reform Communism.”

“Bill,  I don’t know who you think you are, but I think you’re about the most arrogant right wing douche breath phony in the whole Republican Party and I’m just about sick of you comparing me to a communist in your thinly veiled, oh so clever, ways. Flat Top. Neckbolt. Why don’t you two gentlemen take Mr. Kristol out to the woodshed and see if he can unlearn some of those big words he‘s so fond of using.”

Kristol gets dragged away screaming. Moments later, Neckbolt and Flat Top return without Kristol.

“Where’s Kristol?”

"Damn, B. We was all ready to like talk to him, ya know, but then he shit all over hisself and fainted. He smelled so bad that we just kind of left him there in a pile. Didn't wanna get any on our shoes, ya know? What a wuss.”

“Good enough. As you were, gentlemen.”

Bill O’Reilly just won’t let it go, “It’s a win for the country and there’s no reason to be upset about it, but this is really the interesting deal, the Nobel committee, they’re dopes! You don’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize! I have no animus against the President and I’m happy the country is celebrating, I’m celebrating, same as you are.
You don’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. You haven’t done anything! Somebody writes a speech, you read it and get a Peace Prize?! You know, I’m gonna win the Peace Prize next year. I haven’t done anything to bring peace to the world, either. In fact, I’ve probably brought more violence. Hehe. They’re dopes! This is the end of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. Everybody knows it’s a charade. Am I wrong?”

“Well isn’t that interesting, Bill. I can see you can still manage to talk out of both sides of your ass. Nice pithy comments, too, but you're really just another right wing coward hiding behind a microphone. I have half a mind to come down there and bitch slap that arrogant smirk right off of your face, you phony fuck. ”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

Obama walked down and knocked O’Reilly right out of his chair.

“Opine some of that, Bitch!”

“No more questions. I'm sick of this  and I've got work to do. That will conclude today’s news conference. Now you pricks will have something real to write about. Now get off of my frigging lawn before I have Flathead and the boys kick your all your asses and steal your lunch money.”

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 These are some of the actual responses by said pundits to Obama's winning the NPP. I took some liberties with some of the details and dialogue. Too bad the President can't say and do what he really wants to say and do. Now, that would be change I can believe in!

I know that Obama is very cerebral in his decision making process and I can really appreciate that after the last few years of WTF is that idiot thinking? I also know that politics has to be weighed in on every decision, which only muddles and works against any sound logic.

Still, I wish there was an Amnesty Day for the President, like maybe once a month, where the President could speak his mind and crack the whip with impunity. What a fun day that would be!

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This video is priceless. Listen to the huge pause after Coulter is finished.