VIAGRA COMPANY
HEADQUARTERS
***
Every business need a gimmick, but this one is just wrong.
Funny? Sure, but still wrong.
***
Here's a late entry from UmbrellaKinesis!
***
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells great!
***
You can always tell when a company hires a new human resources officer. The first thing they always want to do is try and change the status quo by laying down a bunch of rules that no one will ever follow.
In order to promote a "kinder,
gentler" society, I would like to
submit the following for your
consideration while still going
about your daily work routine?
Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to
management's attention that
some individuals throughout
the company have been using
foul language during the
course of normal conversation
with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received
Due to complaints received
from some employees who
may be easily offended, this
type of language will no
longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the
We do, however, realize the
critical importance of being
able to accurately express
your feelings when
communicating with
co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New
Therefore,a list of 18 New
and Innovative 'TRY SAYING'
phrases have been provided
so that proper exchange of
ideas and information can
continue in an effective
manner.
Number 1
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could
use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know
what the f___ you're doing..
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an
aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing
bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can
work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the
f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that
isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be
sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you
should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who
gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved
in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my
f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this
can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't
work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule
that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___
didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar
with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head
up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir ?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't
happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit
overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on
salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you
understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your
a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job
sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to
take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died
and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat
insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
***
I'm betting this guy probably drinks more than he should.
Any takers?
***
DEAR TIDE,
I AM WRITING THIS TO SAY WHAT AN EXCELLENT PRODUCT YOU HAVE. I'VE USED IT ALL MY LIFE AS MY MOM SAID, IT'S THE BEST. NOW THAT I'M IN MY FORTIES,I FIND IT EVEN BETTER.
ABOUT A MONTH AGO I SPILLED SOME RED WINE ON MY WHITE BLOUSE. MY INCONSIDERATE AND UNCARING BOYFRIEND STARTED BELITTLING ME ABOUT HOW CLUMSY I WAS, AND GENERALLY BEING A PAIN IN MY NECK. ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER AND SOMEHOW I ENDED UP WITH HIS BLOOD ON MY NEW WHITE BLOUSE!
I GRABBED MY BOTTLE OF TIDE WITH BLEACH ALTERNATIVE. TO MY SUPRISE AND SATISFACTION, ALL THE STAINS CAME OUT! IN FACT,THE STAINS CAME OUT SO GOOD THAT THE DETECTIVE THAT CAME BY YESTERDAY SAID THAT THE DNA TESTS ON MY BLOUSE, CAME OUT NEGATIVE, AND THEN MY ATTORNEY CALLED AND SAID THAT I WAS NO LONGER A SUSPECT IN THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MY BOYFRIEND!!!
WHAT A RELIEF!! GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING A MURDER SUSPECT. WELL,GOT TO GO. I HAVE TO WRITE A LETTER TO THOSE HEFTY BAG PEOPLE.
THANKS AGAIN,
A LOYAL CUSTOMER
***
NOW YOU KNOW WHY RAINCOATS ARE YELLOW.
***
Happy kitty!
***
There are a lot of stories about death on Open Salon. Here are some unusual buriel sites.
***
What post would be complete without some stupid human tricks?
I have to thank Umbrellakinesis for this one.
Thanks, Umby!
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
ronnierayjenkins
LuluandPhoebe
Andy Heizeler
old new lefty
Dave Cullen
marcelleqb
Salon.com
Comments
Rated.
(thumbified for the giggles. I would hate for someone to think I deserve #3.)
R
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/100/316519039_c63bb96776_o.jpg
but the viagra headquarters? absolutely perfect. maybe it's the stuff i write, i don't know, but i just loved it.
thanks for the laughs, michael. -r-
This really made my night, Michael. I needed the chuckles!
rated
This is hilarious. You have become a Household Name where I live.
Rated.
R~
loved it all especially the scrabble tombstone and those videos.
look mom no teeth!
Thanks for the laugh!!! Rated.