Alright, settle down. I’m not really selling a kidney, but I would consider it if the price was right. You see, my personal recession will be turning four this September and I can’t even afford to buy it a present for its birthday. The Lotto retirement plan hasn’t panned out either, so I was looking around the house the other day just searching for something I could Craigslist for a buck or two and well…it seems everything I own is crap. Not crap to me mind you, but I’ve had a couple of yard sales recently and I usually end up getting two or three cents on the dollar of what I originally paid for an item. So, I came to the conclusion that all my stuff is well…crap. And just to reinforce that little revelation, I usually overhear one of the visiting scavengers saying something like, “This guy’s got nothing but crap.” Oh, well.

 HuffPo recently started a series about what you can do to help yourself in these tough times, you know, something other than just sitting around being a defeatist. I’ve never liked playing poor me for very long, so I got to thinking…what do I own that I could do without and would hold a high value to someone in need? It would need to be something they can’t live without. Then the bulb lit up.

 I have kidneys!

 So I’m pondering…who do I know that could use a kidney and has a lot of money? Naturally, Mel Gibson came to mind. I mean really, Mel’s kidneys can’t be in too good of shape the way he’s been running the hooch through there for the past few years. Then, I thought Brother Mel might be in the market for some liver, too! Mel’s liver must look like a road-kill armadillo by now. I could split my liver with him if the price was right and still get by. Livers grow back, ya know. Then I realized what Mel needs more than anything is a heart and well...I can’t really spare one of those, so I guess it’s screw you for now, Mel. Call me when the liver pops.

 Then, to my considerable dismay, I find out that it’s illegal to sell your organs in the United States. It’s okay to sell your pianos, just not your organs. What’s up with that? I thought we were a capitalist country? Where is the entrepreneurial spirit when they stop a man from making a buck? I’m broke. You’re rich. You need a kidney. I have a kidney. It’s the sort of stuff that made America great, ya know? I mean I’ve got all kinds of items I could sell. I’ve even got a couple of fingers and toes I could spare if the price was right. Sure, I’d miss them, but we’re talking survival here. Plus, I’ve got an eyeball that just needs a little Lasik tune-up and she’s good to go. It’s blue and white with all the red trimmings, if you’re interested.

 Apparently there are some people out there that think it’s immoral to sell your body parts. Of course, they’ll let you enhance anything without penalty of law. They’ll let you pump up your boobs up until they defy gravity and block your vision. That’s just fine. Or you can get your whoopie-woo-hoo trimmed for that sleek, racecar look. No big deal. But try to sell something you’ve been carrying around all your life and it’s off to prison for you. Hell, if I could get, say…. a cool million for a kidney and only had to do five years, I’d give it a serious consider. That would be like $170,000 per year after taxes and I could finish college on the inside without having to pay for it. Who knows, maybe the economy will be rockin’ again by the time I get out.

 Of course, if you want to donate that same crappy kidney after you’re dead…you know…when you can no longer benefit from the sale, well that seems to be just fine with everybody. People will look at your cold, dead corpse and talk about how heroic your carcass is. What the puck? You can give it all away when you’re dead with no penalty whatsoever? Who comes up with this stuff?  I call bullshizit.

 The doctors get to play chop-shop with your remainders and make a fortune for re-installing the free goods in another chassis and everybody wins…except you. You’re dead. How the hell is that fair to the original owner? Someone should at least throw a monetary bone to the survivors, shouldn’t they? It’s just another plan to keep the poor man down. Where do I to file for an exemption?

 What about my own morals you ask? Let me tell you something about morals. Screw morals.

 Morals are for people without desperation.

 There is one body part you can sell without penalty, though. Too bad nobody told me about it before my hair fell out.