Apollo "The Sun Dog" October 2004 - April 2009

Apollo was a mighty dog, full of joy, love and passion, always making up games and expecting us to figure them out; hide-and-seek being his favorite. He showed us unconditional love and in return, we loved him unconditionally, too.

What is the lesson? What lesson do you learn from a crazy friggin dog who loves you more than words can say? He was like a child that never grew up. I cannot believe how distraught I have been over him, gone now. He followed me around the house so much that everywhere I go I expect him to be there. I haven't slept in my bed yet, only on the sofa because my bed is so full of his dog hair I cannot bear to go in there. I have finally put the sheets in the wash just 15 minutes ago. I have picked up all his toys, but cannot bear to part with about 5 of them. I haven't even started on the car yet.... he has toys there too.

I know the lesson is love... I know that... but what kind of mixed up love was that? lol It makes me laugh to think of it. A dog that made me crazy and destroyed my house yet loved me so much that he was my constant companion through thick and thin. He was there for me during the years after my divorce seeing me through all my lonely days and nights. He forced to out of bed when I didn't want to get up. He forced me outside when I didn't want to go. I bitched about not being able to have people over, but he made it easy for me to be homebound, which I believe I liked. Just me and Apollo, hanging on the sofa. I can't go into the kitchen to get food without wondering why he isn't following me. I can't friggin pee without wondering why he isn't at the door. I can't open the front door without thinking... don't let the dog out. I can't leave through the back door without thinking... Apollo, let's go bye bye. I can't lay on the sofa without waiting for him to jump up next to me. Right now I am wondering why he isn't here nudging my elbow while I type.

Mother, is he with you? I want to believe he ran into the light when he saw you standing there calling to him.... Do you think it happened that way?

How do mother's lose their children without going mad? How do mothers deal with children who are epileptic? I practically gave up my life to be with him every second of the day, just in case he had another seizure. They kept coming more frequently and getting worse and worse. Eight this past Sunday. The pain is so deep to watch them in a seizure. I can't stop hearing his howling and crying. I had NEVER heard those sounds out of an animal in my life. He could not see and kept walking into walls. Zach loved that dog..... I can't bear to tell him yet.

Oh, God, my heart hurts.... I feel so alone, yet I know it is time for me to move on.... That is the message I think. I have proven to myself that I can love again through thick and thin and heal. What is life without love? Now I have to go out into the real world and find it, knowing it will not be perfect, but it can still be.

Move forward..... I need to move forward and not be stuck... That's why he left. I need to leave the pain behind and move on... He taught me to love.... and proved I could do it again... I became trapped in my home, afraid to leave him and go out into the world, but now I have the freedom to move forward. He gave me that freedom by sacrificing himself....