The warning signs came at me like a runaway train, meandering down a deliberate track smack in my direction, intent on a volatile collision. I tried, I tried hard, but I couldn’t stop it. The impact was inevitable and it hit me like a ticking time bomb. Twenty-five years of my life went up in smoke. It was stressful. It affected my family and my friendships. I didn’t sleep and when I did, it was only in blocks of sleep. I feared losing my home and I did not know how I was going to pay my bills. It affected my confidence and my daily routine. It was not easy on anyone, especially my children. I was in a marriage that I loved and it was threatened beyond repair. He said it wasn’t personal, but it sure as hell was.

They saw each other at work every day. They were in meetings together. They ate lunch together. They traveled to Paris, Las Vegas and other parts of the world together. He knew her dog’s name.

I ran into her at a wedding reception and she made a point of letting me know she was having dinner with my husband the following week in Arkansas. We were then invited to a party at her new home where she slyly mentioned she so appreciated him viewing the home with her before she purchased it. I waited until we were in the car before I said anything. He denied it. My intuition did not fool me.

At another get-together she kindly let is slip how thankful she was that he had picked her up to go to the airport before they left on another of their business trips. He didn’t pick up male traveling companions, for they seemed to be able to find their own way to the airport. And trust me, her home wasn’t on the way. I became distrustful.

When I took a part-time job with the same company she visited me at my desk, full of herself, pompously informing me how funny my husband was. He was so entertaining, in fact, that she kept a file in her desk drawer of his many e-mails to her, and oh, by the way, would I like to see them? My curiosity got the best of me and I agreed. I began to tremble, silently walking back to my desk.

During another visit, she admired a picture of my son I brought in to work. “Oh, is that the son you don’t get along with?” Excuse me? I realized he shared intimate family details with her, details he refused to discuss with me, telling me he got along with our son just fine and if I had a problem with him it was for me to deal with on my own. My heart dropped like a rock to the pit of my stomach while she stood there watching. He had opened a door with her that should have remained closed.

During the holidays I ran into a friend who asked why wasn’t I at the Christmas party on Saturday. What Christmas party? The one at the Country Club. I felt like a fool for I had been told there wouldn’t be a Christmas party this year. I questioned him. I yelled at him. I was in disbelief. Did he not think I would find out? He did not want the two of us in the same room he informed me. There it was, the truth at last. I weighed my options.

I had a headache and went in search of drugs at 2 AM. No luck. No luck. No luck. Ah, travel bag. Shock! We had not had sex, well, I won’t even go there, and by now I am sure you can guess. Little blue pills in the Advil bottle. That was my last straw. The painful consequence of their friendship is that I was deceived, betrayed and lied to.

Last week, almost five years after my divorce, I am sitting watching a program about local unemployment and mental health. Oh my God! It’s her. After twenty years working for a company she loved she was called into a room and told she was no longer needed. She couldn’t sleep and when she did, it was only in blocks of sleep. She is afraid she is going to lose her home. She doesn’t know how she is going to pay her bills. It has affected her family and her friendships. It has affected her confidence and her daily routine. It’s been tough. She was told it wasn’t personal, but she insisted it was personal for it had affected every aspect of her life.

Patience is a virtue for sometimes it is true, what goes around comes around. You’re damned right, Bitch! It was fucking personal!!




(Picture obtained at www.godurango.com)