Yesterday, I received a phone call that stunned me.  Now, I’ve had all kinds of phone calls, mind you. I worked as a reservationist for Ozark Air Lines, so trust me, I know about nutty phone calls. I’ve talked to irate people and I’ve talked to frantic, heartbroken people who had to get home fast because a family member had died.  I also worked as a Realtor for many years, and my picture and cell phone number were pasted in every local newspaper, every week. I’ve had heavy breathers and I’ve had real porn stars, but when I answered my cell phone this past Monday, I certainly did not expect to hear Dawn, the woman in charge of home health care for my father, tell me his cleaning lady is refusing to return to his home.  Huh?  He’s had a cleaning lady for over a year now, ever since my mother passed away.  Dawn’s voice was firm and clear, “Your father made inappropriate advances toward the cleaning lady.”

I was aghast.  Dumbfounded! Almost, speechless.  Has my father turned into a dirty old man?

“What did he say to her?”

“He asked her if she was married and wondered if she slept around on her husband.”

“Really? And she won’t come back because of that?” because in my mind, yes, that’s bad, but is it worth quitting your job over?

“Well, no.  He told her that he was available if she ever wanted to have an affair.”

“Oh. Well, that’s crazy! He’s 86 years old!!” Did he have a stash of Viagra I didn’t know about?

“That’s not all.”

“Oh?” Dear God, it didn’t end there.

“Apparently while she was down on her knees scrubbing the bathroom floor, he came and stood behind her, drinking his cup of coffee, watching her for a while, then he told her what nice muscles she had.” (I literally spewed my coffee. He IS a dirty old man!!)

“He said what? You’re kidding, right? My father actually said that????”  My father, who was married to my mother for almost 58 years?  My father, who had four daughters and never once said anything inappropriate to any of us?

“No, I’m not kidding. She gave her notice.”

“Oh, Dear God,” I moaned, “I will speak to him today. I am soooo sorry. I cannot apologize enough. I will call you back as soon as I’ve spoken to him,” I stayed calm on the phone but inside, I was screaming, “What the HELL is that man thinking???”

I’ve never had a talk like this with my father, nor did I expect to, nor did I want to.  This was way outta my league.  I immediately called in the troops.  Two of my sisters and I met at his home that evening where we confronted him about his remarks and his behavior.  He was none too happy he’d been busted.  He admitted to the first part of the accusations, but refused to confess to the “nice muscle” remark. “Liar,” I thought to myself. 

Then, one of my sisters chimed in, “You know, Dad, that woman can sue you for sexual harassment and you can lose all your money and your home.”  (Good Girl!)

Smart thinking, Laurie!!  If there is anything my father hates to discuss, it’s his money.  The thought of loaning it, losing it or giving it to anyone sends him into a tizzy!  He is so proud of the fact that he worked hard, saved his money and does not have to depend on anyone else for financial help.  The last thing he wants to do is live with one of his daughters and he flat out refuses to go into assisted living.  I wish you could have been there to see the look on his face when he realized he could lose it all to a lawsuit!  His glassy, blue eyes widened and his mouth actually dropped open, drool and all!  She had him!

I called Dawn and told her I did not believe we would have a repeat episode, “Please tell the new cleaning lady that if he says one word to her that is out of line she will call his daughters and let them know about his rude behavior! Again, I apologize.”

A new cleaning lady comes this Wednesday.  I am praying he keeps his mouth shut.  Is this what dementia does to men?  What does it do to women?

 Do you think Clive Owen would clean my house???