I was the first woman in my family to choose breast feeding for two generations. I liked being rebellious. But I had no idea what I was doing so I went to a support group. They were upper middle class white women. I felt nervous with that crowd. I was white, but we were artists and did social work as the "day job", so we were poor. And my husband was black. I was still pregnant so there was no brown baby as obvious evidence. I hoped no one would say something stupid but of course someone did.
The woman who led the group shared a story about her latest birth. She referred to the "nigger" nurse at the hospital. She said it so quick and calm it caught me off guard. Did this woman, so demurely nursing her baby really say that? I was stunned. The time had passed to react naturally. If I suddenly raged I would appear as crazy as I felt. She asked if anyone could host the next meeting in their home. I volunteered.
By then my beautiful brown son was born. The leader arrived first. She looked apprehensive. Our home was modest and small. At 5'2" I could stretch on tip toes and touch the ceiling. She gave a quick scan of the house and said "Well, small houses are easier to keep clean. Nothing like mine. Now let me see your baby." He was sleeping in the converted closet off the kitchen. She looked at him and made a barely audible gasp. Then my husband came out of our bedroom, ready to leave for work. He gave us his customary, tender good-bye kisses. She looked like she needed to sit down.
The rest of the women began to arrive. I saw her pull one of the others aside. The conversation was animated but quiet. She left. The woman she talked with said she would lead the group today. Their faithful leader wasn't feeling well. Something had disagreed with her stomach.
Dr. Joy Degruy, a psychologist and educator who has written and lectured on "Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome", talks about one of the most disturbed and angry men she ever met was so white you could not tell he was African American. And because he looked "white" he heard what his darker brothers and sisters did not. He knew how whites talked when they thought it was safe. He saw that racist remarks and jokes were rarely challenged. If another white didn't like it, they might show discomfort, but seldom outrage. I know that to be true. I've done it myself.
As insulting and infuriating I find racists, I do not react the way I feel. Sometimes I offer another viewpoint. Or I tell them I don't appreciate those remarks and leave. Or I ignore what they say and later show them pictures of my family... watch how they turn red, squirm and retrace in their minds what they already spewed.
I reason if I return hatred they win. If I react respectfully it is not what they expect from someone like me, a "traitor" to her race. When what is expected does not happen, it sets up incongruity which can force people to question their thinking. They can dismiss it, of course. Always an option. But if enough incongruous experiences happen, the greater the chance minds will change. That is my rationale for being reasonable and nice. I don't always agree with it myself. Sometimes I think I'm just not courageous enough. Those are the nights I don't sleep so well.
I have never been satisfied with my response to white racism. With countless words and endless combinations spoken by millions of people throughout the world, there must be the right words, placed in the right sequence, spoken in the right way, that will end racism….make it so unavoidably clear it is a horrid, repugnant, revolting disease that causes more ache and despair than this country can bear and it is time to release its hold on us. All of us.
I want to find those words.
They've got to be out there somewhere.
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Dr. Joy Degruy's website
"Be The Healing"
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Comments
I don't know what the "right" response is to such repulsive ignorance. If you ever find the right words, please let me know. msp
You've written a beautiful story, a sad one alas, and a call for tolerance that is very much needed in today's society. Unfortunately, Nationalistic tendencies are skyrocketing almost everywhere on the planet, and this is a lesson that will probably not be learned in our lifetimes.
Thank you for sharing.
i think most all of us have been in those situations where we bite our tongues....then feel bad for it later.
i'm trying to be more like my dad was and the older i get, the better i am at it too!
"I have never been satisfied with my response to white racism. With countless words and endless combinations spoken by millions of people throughout the world, there must be the right words, placed in the right sequence, spoken in the right way, that will end racism….make it so unavoidably clear it is a horrid, repugnant, revolting disease that causes more ache and despair than this country can bear and it is time to release its hold on us. All of us. "
Thanks for writing this.
As I have mentioned in other posts, rarely, but sometimes I am not perceived as black. On some of those rare occasions some random white person will make a racist comment. My approach has generally been to pull that person aside and "explain" my reaction to their remark. I always assume that the person is afflicted with terminal ignorance, so I don't rant and I don't insult. I just tell them how their remark affected me.
UNLESS they have uttered the magic n- word. It is impossible for anyone over the age of 7 in this country today not to know that word is verboten. I do react angrily, but never in kind. I don't call them any of the perjorative labels I know for white people. I don't cuss. But my anger is on full display and I don't mince any other words. And then I flounce.
Lezlie
The personal story here did happen 30 years ago. I wish I could say it hasn't happened recently. But if I could say that, there would have been no reason to write this.
Know that you remember the L. Cohen song "Joan of Arc" that I told you reminded me of you--this story illustrates the heart of that association.
nomatter what it is, it is ignorance.
and we KNOW it's ignorance. and still, even among our educated, our enlightened, it's acceptable. and that saddens me because the concept of "the other" is primitive, it is humans in the dark, scared and raging.
it makes me wonder about us as a species. I wonder if we have the stones to make it for the long haul, we have so many different ways of expressing hate and fear and ignorance and superiority. it's as if we're just waiting for the right moment to kill the rest of us.
Happy Blogging,
Heather
Like you, I just try to be an example of incongruity, which I think works just as well. When a white person asks a silly or inappropriate question about "blackness," hair, cultural idioms, etc. I never get offended. I just try to educate.
Great post!
When we were last living in GA, the code word I heard more often was 'foreigner' to signal a racist was speaking, usually directed toward Latinos, who were always called Mexicans. Most southerners we met who would admit to older racist-toward-blacks family members were apologetic, would say that their older relatives were 'ignorant, and that just isn't right.'
While there are broad strokes of change, definitely racism is still happening in the south --- and elsewhere in our country it must be acknowledged (I've met racist attitudes all over this country and I've encountered enlightened attitudes in the south too). The change is just too damn slow and not enough.
Your words reveal a lot of sensitivity and character. You can speak up without "taking the bait".
Still, there are people who are committed racists, homophobes, sexists and arguing with them does nothing. If you can't get rid of them in your life, then you just have to disengage and not participate. Like bullies, they feed on any attention they get, and will not change their inner nature. It's not a matter of allowing anyone anything, it's granting yourself the peace of the right to dissent.
When did this happen? I notice from your bio that you now have grandkids. Did you hear someone say the word "nigger" 20 years ago? If this is not recent, then I have to say that I think these stories do more harm than good. Yes, a lot of years ago, folks said some awful things. They also used words like spic, chink, jap, yid, etc. You rarely hear people talk about what it was like when their relatives reacted horribly because they, a Protestant, were marrying a "Papist." However, we love to pull out these stories of times when blacks were maligned. But the way it is told, is as if this climate is current.
How about we start looking at what's going on now? For example, as anyone else noticed that when someone-not-black falls in love with a black/colored person in a TV show, that relationship will not work out. I'm thinking of Sex and the City's Miranda and the black doctor and Steve and his hispanic girlfriend. There are other examples, but I can't remember them, but watch TV, it happens a lot. Or how about documentaries that constantly show us how much people dislike black people. I saw one the other day. It was a show about how white children consistently point to the dark-skinned child when asked "who is the bad child?" I didn't see the entire show, but who are these children? Who are their parents? And why is this study done? By calling attention to the wound, we're continuing to aggravate it. How about telling some other stories.
I have one.
When I was in Japan, I heard over and over how racist the Japanese were. I disagree. But whites in Japan loved to tell themselves this. Once at dinner, a white colleague asked a beautiful Japanese girl what kind of guy she prefers. The colleague expected her answer to somehow reflect him. Her answer: "I want an African man. I love black men. I'm going to Kenya to try to find one to marry. I went there last year, but I didn't meet anyone." She was not kidding. My colleague appeared to be shocked. In another example, a Japanese colleague of mine told me how, when he came to the US, he always looked for a black person to help him if he got lost because black people were so nice.
To me, racist remarks are celebrated. Let them die. People have been saying terrible things about each other since the beginning of language. No big deal.
I was listening to NPR today and they were talking about a Black Church that was finally being rebuilt after being burned on Election night in 2008. Two white men admitted to setting the church on fire because a Black Man was elected President of the United States... and now these men are being charged with a hate crime. Ladies and Gentlemen... there are racists still walking among us.
The (my assumption) white folks who have answered your post have commented on the beauty of your writing, said "there is no race" asked if any instances like this have happened to you recently and have danced around your question.
Interesting.
I am a black person, and I'll tell you what I think... in this situation you have an opportunity... dare I say a gift.
Is it easy to hear someone who makes a racist comment? No. Is it easy to hear that you have been diagnosed with cancer, or your son is a heroin addict or you have lost your life savings in the stock market? No. But in order to heal these situations, you take action when you become aware...and talk about these situations and confront them don’t you? Why is standing up for what you believe in any different.
You are the Mother of a Black Man... yes I know he is bi-racial and is part white but in this country your child will be considered to be African-American and will deal with everything that an African-American man faces. When you fell in love with, married and had children with an African American you were adopted into the collective “African-American Family” my dear. Welcome.
Think of yourself as a Secret Agent for the Family. :) You have an opportunity to raise awareness... becoming a “Diversity Diva” dare I say a...”Humankind Love Warrior”! When another white person makes a racist comment around you it’s not necessary for you to be rude, or to be blatantly confrontational. Don’t make assumptions... ask questions. For example, when the woman talked about the “N-word Nurse” one could say something like...” I hate to intrude on your conversation but why did you call her a N-word? Seriously I’m curious.”
Be creative, be curious and respectful...ask questions and above all... make friends with your fear and let your love for humanity give you the courage to speak your truth. This instance with the woman happened so long ago... yet you are still feeling guilty about it.. it left an imprint on your spirit. You can heal that imprint by making a promise to yourself and your family to speak up. Okay 007... I believe in you... and when you are in a situation with a bunch of white folks and one says something nasty about your “African -American Family” take out your secret weapon and do some good.
J9
PS... I do believe we are all part of “The Human Family” But we also have strong chords connecting us to our different ethnic families. It’s a beautiful network... because you don’t have to be born into an ethnic family in order to be a part of it, love it or speak up for it.
People like to fool themselves that this is a thing of the past, but that's willful ignorance. The glances, the code words, they all convey the same ugliness.
Rated.
I wish I knew those words, too. The ones that would make it so obvious. They'd have to be short words so racists could understand them, though. ;)
During one holiday dinner, a super Christian dinner guest talked about drunk Indians. I did not want to upset everyone else at the table, but I could not remain silent. Calmly, I said that I have several Native American friends who do not drink, that no one can accurately describe any group as this or that. As an example, I said that most serial killers are white, but that doesn't mean all white people are serial killers.
My self-righteous dinner companion said, because he know I spent many years in arctic Alaska, "Well I wasn't talking about Eskimos." Still calm, I replied that I have many friends of many races and religions, and that I don't believe it is fair to take the difficulties of some and label everyone in a community.
For once, that shut him up. Did he learn anything? I don't know.
The "n" word may not be used as freely (though Dr. Laura apparently would like to change that, having heard an interview with her today in which she is disgusted that she was pressured by sponsors to curb her tongue) but there are other code words and just as bad, attitudes that haven't been eradicated. Racism isn't going anywhere on its own. Ignoring it has allowed the disease to grow unabated.
I think things are better now, in the sense that people are much more careful about what they say. Can't really say that people's feelings and thoughts are much better, not with any accuracy. But most white people I know don't use racial slurs with casual confidence like they used to. It's much rarer that I hear them at all.
I could say more about this (as you know) but it should suffice to say as long as discussions economics of slavery (which is the reason -maybe the only reason- black people are even on these shores) is avoided and relegated to the backburner, "racism" will continue to flourish.
Words are, eventually, what is going to solve the dilemma but what words? Removing the word nigger (or any of its manifestations) is not going to accomplish that.
Maybe the word reparations because while white people wring their hands about racism and how terrible it is, the fact remains that slavery/american apartheid, etc had an extremely negative impact on black people - as well as the other people subjected to the western (read white) way of making money. And the fact that some white people right now are feeling the economic pinch means relatively little because while y'all are getting pinched, we're getting strangled. Still.
I did say I was back. (grin)