As an alcoholic just out of rehab, I’m appalled about the Lindsay Lohan headlines and TV news sound bites.  

 Bad things happen in rehab; people get kicked out all the time for doing stupid things. But at least there is one comfort in realizing you’ve been a… Read full post »

Here is what sucks. I’m running from therapy and meetings, work and the grocery store, and then doing the home thing. I throw laundry in, make dinner, pack lunches, feed the cat, open mail …

 And I’m freaking bored. I mean, is this all there is… Read full post »

People say that AA ruins your drinking, that it’s impossible to attend meetings, get a sponsor and drink without eventual remorse and confession.

 But somehow I managed to pull it off. I went to meetings. I got a sponsor. I talked the talk.

 But… Read full post »

Not only am I still sober, I recently led my first meeting. I know I haven't been around here much, in the blogosphere. But that's just because I'm living my real life.

That's what happens when you get sober; you suddenly realize you have this life that was previously clouded over by… Read full post »

Lou makes fun of me.

As we're driving from the horrible Peruvian joint, me driving in Newark (Newark!), me desperately trying to follow my clueless cousin, I curse and shake my fist.

Because the loser in front of me has a brake problem. As in, "let's brake every few seconds because oh mymymy… Read full post »

She has an addictive personality, that's what she shared yesterday. Heads nodded all around, as so often happens in AA meetings.

"I quit alcohol. I quit pills. I quit coke," she said. "Now, I'm addicted to food!"

Oh, not just any food. Junk food. Ben & Jerry's. Pepperoni pizza. Oreo cookies. By the… Read full post »

Not alcoholism! No worries there. But what comes from "coming clean" and the steps, the work, the rigorous honesty and letting go. That's contagious!

A funny thing happened while dragged along the bumpy road of sobriety: I got happy. Oh, I've experienced some bliss along the journey before. As the "I… Read full post »

What's up with this g.o.d. issue in 12-step programs?  Why is spirituality so tied into this disease concept of alcoholism?

No higher power, no serenity. End of story. 

I get that I can't drink. I get there's no moderation for me -- tried, experimented, failed. Over, over & over. But I… Read full post »

Not in a relationship. Not in something that's supposed to be something. Certainly not.

And that was a tough thing to realize.

Still reeling from the sexual fiasco with the Van Man and what I had interpreted as my cousin's lack of warning/advice, I decided to reconnect with an old boyfriend,… Read full post »

Just one. 

Not anything serious. Not really. It's just that I'm finding out people in the rooms break the rules all the time. And they're still sober! They're sill "happy joyous and free." They work the steps, "trust g.o.d., clean house and help another," and keep "their side of the street… Read full post »

The topic was "tools." What tools do we beginners (those with less than 12 months)  use to stay sober.

Just today I was sharing in this beginners' meeting that "think" is my most important tool right now. In the rooms, the plaque is hung up-side-down, which at first promoted me to… Read full post »

So far.

When you spend most of your life in a semi-sedated state, sobriety can seem ... like being reborn. I'm learning how to think again. And speak. And learning to think before I speak. (very important.)

 I have a lightness about me that I didn't have before that I… Read full post »

Of course I take responsibility for my part in it. He didn't drag me to the back of his van. He didn't spike my mint tea.

But he's 17 years sober. And he should've known better.

There's a suggestion in AA that the single and newly sober should avoid the opposite… Read full post »

I knew the term "alcoholic" at a young age, maybe 8 or 9. It was just accepted that grandpa was an alcoholic after being shell-shocked from the war. He sat in the front room and drank all day and once in awhile during Sunday dinners he'd stumble out, rage incoherently then… Read full post »

It was a hard smack across the face when I realized that. I spent years blaming everything and everyone else around me for all the troubles in my life.

First the husband had to go. Then I kept changing careers. And addresses. And hair colors.

The last year alone I… Read full post »

And I used to have a lot! More than any one person should! I never had to worry what I was going to do on a Saturday night -- I had my pick. Dinner and drinks? Drinks at the townie bar? Drinks at a friend's house? Drinks in the city at… Read full post »

How could I after you were so sweet and funny before the meeting, made a delish blueberry cobbler for everyone and casually told your story of lawyers, drugs and money?

How could I possibly when your smile is bigger than my cutie-pie niece's and she even has a few more… Read full post »

A dozen years ago I poured out my beers (I hadn't graduated to vodka yet), tossed my empty prescription bottles down a sewer grate (my diary says there were 38) and called my insurance company.

I wanted to go to rehab.

My bewildered, always-clueless husband said, "just go visit your sister."… Read full post »

But not all of you. I like you, over there, who's been "in the program" three years and is still on Step 2. (I heard people gasp under their collective holy-breaths. I swear.)

But not you, with the know-it-all hair that swings this way and that in a know-it-all way.… Read full post »

Yes, all of you. I hate you all.

I hate all of you who are oh-so-grateful. Grateful, grateful, grateful to be sober in your metal folding chairs. Who are so grateful for "these rooms" and for the coffee maker (can we have a round of appaluse?) and for your higher… Read full post »