The topic was "tools." What tools do we beginners (those with less than 12 months) use to stay sober.
Just today I was sharing in this beginners' meeting that "think" is my most important tool right now. In the rooms, the plaque is hung up-side-down, which at first promoted me to want to flip it around. Then I realized it was done on purpose. Because you notice it; it makes you think.
I'm glad I had that reminder. Because anger has now set in, seemingly out of no where. I can't pinpoint a defining moment when I got pissed off and decided every man who wronged me should be covered in fire ants.
It just crept over me, like a slow moving dark cloud. I didn't, thankfully, think, "Let me drown these horrible feelings in booze." No, I thought, let me take action because these horrible feelings have been there all along, glossed over by the tra-la-la of the AA catch-phrases.
Luckily, I was reminded of the very simple "Think." Stop. Pause. Think.
Worked for a bit. Except I started to pause and think up brilliant revenge schemes. I paused some more and thought of the best timing that would both ensure the element of surprise and put me well outside the realm of line-up of suspects.
It's not a long list men. The Man with the Van is on it of course (see previous post about how I felt I was taken advantage of) . And I've thought of a brilliant way I won't have to wait (because if I wait, I know this feeling will pass, then this won't get done and it needs to get done!).
My revenge plan is not particularly original. But since he was so kind to share his fantasies and fetishes with me over mint tea in the back of his van .... all I have to do is call him back, let him pick me up Saturday and flirt Saturday night over scrabble. And let him know I can't wait to get him into bed and handcuff him to the bedposts ... and blindfold him ... And when I do just that ...
I'll go home.
The other two guys, well, time has passed. So there will be no contact. But I know them well enough that I know what will make them miserable. Oh so miserable. The way they made me.
When I tell my sponsor this tomorrow, when (if) I tell the rooms ... I will, no doubt, be told some very good reasons why my thoughts are not sober thinking at all. And they're right.
The beauty of the 12 steps is that it's a map to follow, it's directions for living a life that can help you achieve goals that seemed out of grasp. It's a way to reach the one thing I always wanted: inner peace.
Revenge isn't healthy. I don't know where it came from. But right now I want it. Right now I want them to suffer. Right now I feel inner peace can wait a week or two.
Oh, these evil mood swings. At least no thoughts of drinking.... (hell, I couldn't plan these plots under the influence! ha!)
I'm pretty sure since I've been working the program, that I have a sposnor and a support network and a foundation, these revenge fantasies will lift.
If they don't, I guess I will have to exorcise these leftover demons ...
(thanks for letting me share)