FEBRUARY 16, 2009 11:49AM

Hi I'm MiMi & I'm an alcoholic (& I have nothing to offer)

Rate: 26 Flag

Not in a relationship. Not in something that's supposed to be something. Certainly not.

And that was a tough thing to realize.

Still reeling from the sexual fiasco with the Van Man and what I had interpreted as my cousin's lack of warning/advice, I decided to reconnect with an old boyfriend, someone who I recalled as being mostly stable.

(Sometimes I can truly see the past with rose-colored glasses.)

We never did get around to our date. I chose not to see the past clearly, but he decided to remind me. Accidentally of course. Because he abuses alcohol and forgets things he says. (Like attracts like.)

Close call (for many reasons). E-mail drama. Lose my number. Go away. (whew!)

So I whine to my cousin about this near-disaster, and about the Van Man (again) and  he says (again) regarding the Van Man, that he thought it was so obvious the guy was a smooth operator. So he figured I just wanted to get laid (nothing wrong with that, he said. Nothing wrong with some sex-only now and again).

Grrr. I can't do sex only, I tell my very dumb male cousin.  

Then just stay away from men is his advice. Because, "What can you bring to a relationship anyway? You're only going to attract people just like yourself."

I wanted to reach through the phone and kill him. I pointed out that I was not a psycho in a van, not a cheater, a liar or general loser. And he said, "No, but you're broken. Really, what can you bring to a relationship?"

So I thought about it. For a few days. Maybe a full week. I even thought  about it in my sleep.

And I concluded I can't offer a damn thing. Except sex. And that gets complicated when attempted without the other parts -- conversation, sharing, activities, cuddling, connecting -- that make sex great. 

I can offer friendship. But I know that once sex and friendship is mixed into a relationship (and it always does. there's no such thing as "friends with benefits"; someone is always lying, someone is in it more), drama will ensue, because it so often does even under the best circumstances.

And my circumstances aren't the best. Far from it. Drama is still a familiar go-to, and it's only with practice and letting go that the Greek chorus is leaving my life.  

Even without the drama, I still have a lot of pieces of my life to sort through, discard and put back together. It's not easy most of the time despite days of total clarity and happiness. But most of the time it's a lot of work. 

And while I'd love to take a hostage to help me do this work, that wouldn't be fair. In the end, the work wouldn't get done fully (though maybe if I dated a handyman I could at least get some some rooms painted and a bit of sheetrock thrown up? haha).

So I'll just trudge along solo and enjoy the days I get to float.  Along the way I'll keep meeting new friends, stay clear of the notorious types and keep on keeping on. One day at a time.

(thanks for letting me share.) 

 

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Time. Time. Time. You may know that, but trusting it is a whole different thing.

Your cousin is a hard ass, and sometimes having a hard ass in our life is a good thing.

You will always have much to offer. It all wanes and waxes.

You're getting there. There's just work to be done. (Says the woman whose personal issues could be a fulltime job)

Take care, Mimi.
I even tried the handyman route! But you're really not ready til you're ready. Great post, MiMi, glad to see you again.
WUS, you're right, and helpful (as always). Yeah, it's good to have a hard ass in my life (but not in the literal sense, haha). Yes, I too know well the full time job pf personal issues!

Damn, Joan! The handyman route doesn't work? (thanks :)
glad you are back. Mimi is the priority right now, be with yourself and reacquaint yourself with all the parts of you w/o the alcohol. You have a lot to offer but first offer it (and accept it) to yourself.
Floating days ... anything like floating holidays? Can one choose one's days to float? And what if the pool's closed ... does one have to ride 20 miles to the next open pool?
Glad you're back. It'll take some time, but then it won't need any more.
Good to see you again. Wise cousin. Keep trudging. I wish you a slow recovery.
Mimi, you have lots to offer, and nobody comes without baggage. (I myself came with an entire steamer trunk.) You just need somebody strong enough in their own identity to handle the phasing-down drama. Being alone is cool and all, but being lonely is a pain, and (while I LOVE that line about taking a hostage!) I don't think you should see yourself as a pariah to good guys. (But yeah, stay clear of the notorious types. They seem to appear on the days we feel most vulnerable.) The deal is, if we wait until our life is all together and we're feeling sane and normal and safe...well...it might be a long wait. Don't worry about inconveniencing some guy with your baggage because none of us offer long-term guarantees of wonderfulness. You need a guy who'll come in at the low-point and stick around for the high-point. Anyway, like you say, one day at a time. Keep up the good work!
You can offer a comment on my revenge story.
You can offer a hug.
You can offer a king size Snickers candy bar too!!

So don't go tellin' me you aint got nuttin' to offer!
This is all about YOU! What do you have to offer to yourself? A year without a relationship, you should be able to do that standing on your head. A year without drugs or drink, that's tough!

Men come and go. And then they come and go...
You just offered a lot. Your reaching out to your cousin and talking about it out shows you really want to change your life.
You're right there really is no such thing as "friends with benefits".
In due time, you will find someone to be with you in all aspects. Like you said, "trudge along solo," and enjoy these days because you will eventually get into a relationship and then you'll wish for the days when you were solo. Trust me.
Welcome back.
I missed you.
"despite days of total clarity and happiness",
tells me that something is sure working for you.
"one day at a time' may sound boring,but it works.
Hug.
Hi MiMi,

You can always take a tantric sex course in the meantime. For singles, of course. The best advice I received on that, is that if you take it while a couple, the guy is always distracted. I think it's true. Or other courses. The advice columnist in the paper I read for years to learn how grownups with grownup relationships treat each other is Carolyn Hax. I know she skews toward 20-somethings, but growing up around alcoholics, I had no idea how to act with others. Her counseling to all types of adults helped me a lot.
I'm going to go read about Van Guy now. Blessings on your daily decisions....
Like others here, I find it encouraging you are putting yourself first. Keep up the good work.
Hey Mimi, Rose colored glasses come in very handy sometimes. Don't throw them out, just try to use them wisely.

Good post.
Please share when you want to. You have plenty to offer.
good advice ariana.

I'm not sure charlie. but i usually float on air, not in a pool.

Thanks cool Cat!

Grif, you're very wise. But this can't be too slow! But time flies, so 'tis no matter
This post proves you do, in fact, having quite a bit something more to offer in a relationship than sex...though it might not be something you really *need* to share with happenstance guys so much as nurture along right now.
Suzie, you make good points, ones I am obsessed with! time is a running out (tick tick tick) and we all have baggage or we'd be 6 feet under. Maybe I'll just get lucky and it'll all just magically come together and I'll just know and get a cosmic tap on the shoulder and a whisper in the ear that says "yes. him. now."
Hugs Harry! And a snickers bar! And guess what? Finally, back here on earth, out of my own head (so messy) -- finally I read your fun revenge tale (and commented!) Hate when I'm such a slacker! (now I'm thinking about revenge again hahaha)
You're right about the revenge bit. But sometimes we are the instrument of karma and the idea of letting go so someone can go on hurting others can be bothersome as well.

What I didn't make clear was I did two tires on each of his cars, leaving him with no transportation, no way to get his kids to school, or him to work or to get new tires. I'll always wonder what the hell he had to do to get going again :)

Thanks for the comment!
Oh, I get hugs and a candy bar too!! Heck, we practically engaged now!

And welcome back to earth. I apologize in advance for what a sorry state you'll find it to be.
it can't be any worse than being in my own head Harry! (a virtual engagement may be just the ticket!)

Trudge, you're probably right! As SG said, men come and go. When there are none, I'm usually saner.

Peter, you're right. boring is just normal, the absence of drama
Mimi, That was a cool post...and it does help. Just being willing to share makes a difference. I noticed that I am turning away from most relationships because I don't feel like I can handle it yet. I don't really know when I will be able to handle it. The last guy I actually thought might be "the one" told me we both were codependent, so he went his own way. Maybe I should stop drinking again? I don't drink much, but maybe any is too much.
Hey C, I'm not sure i even totally get what co-dependent means ... guess we all need a break sometimes. men... re: drinking, if you can skip it, you're prob. doing your health a favor anyway! Thanks for reading!
"Except sex. And that gets complicated when attempted without the other parts -- conversation, sharing, activities, cuddling, connecting -- that make sex great. "

Now see, that's exactly how I lost interest in sex with husband. Yes, I said husband. I've been married to a man not interested in intimacy. He was only interested in sex.

Good on ya , Mimi. You're doing good work.
rated
This is very smart:

"And my circumstances aren't the best. Far from it. Drama is still a familiar go-to, and it's only with practice and letting go that the Greek chorus is leaving my life.

Even without the drama, I still have a lot of pieces of my life to sort through, discard and put back together. It's not easy most of the time despite days of total clarity and happiness. But most of the time it's a lot of work. "

I have very similar feelings...Thanks for posting. Rated.