Not in a relationship. Not in something that's supposed to be something. Certainly not.
And that was a tough thing to realize.
Still reeling from the sexual fiasco with the Van Man and what I had interpreted as my cousin's lack of warning/advice, I decided to reconnect with an old boyfriend, someone who I recalled as being mostly stable.
(Sometimes I can truly see the past with rose-colored glasses.)
We never did get around to our date. I chose not to see the past clearly, but he decided to remind me. Accidentally of course. Because he abuses alcohol and forgets things he says. (Like attracts like.)
Close call (for many reasons). E-mail drama. Lose my number. Go away. (whew!)
So I whine to my cousin about this near-disaster, and about the Van Man (again) and he says (again) regarding the Van Man, that he thought it was so obvious the guy was a smooth operator. So he figured I just wanted to get laid (nothing wrong with that, he said. Nothing wrong with some sex-only now and again).
Grrr. I can't do sex only, I tell my very dumb male cousin.
Then just stay away from men is his advice. Because, "What can you bring to a relationship anyway? You're only going to attract people just like yourself."
I wanted to reach through the phone and kill him. I pointed out that I was not a psycho in a van, not a cheater, a liar or general loser. And he said, "No, but you're broken. Really, what can you bring to a relationship?"
So I thought about it. For a few days. Maybe a full week. I even thought about it in my sleep.
And I concluded I can't offer a damn thing. Except sex. And that gets complicated when attempted without the other parts -- conversation, sharing, activities, cuddling, connecting -- that make sex great.
I can offer friendship. But I know that once sex and friendship is mixed into a relationship (and it always does. there's no such thing as "friends with benefits"; someone is always lying, someone is in it more), drama will ensue, because it so often does even under the best circumstances.
And my circumstances aren't the best. Far from it. Drama is still a familiar go-to, and it's only with practice and letting go that the Greek chorus is leaving my life.
Even without the drama, I still have a lot of pieces of my life to sort through, discard and put back together. It's not easy most of the time despite days of total clarity and happiness. But most of the time it's a lot of work.
And while I'd love to take a hostage to help me do this work, that wouldn't be fair. In the end, the work wouldn't get done fully (though maybe if I dated a handyman I could at least get some some rooms painted and a bit of sheetrock thrown up? haha).
So I'll just trudge along solo and enjoy the days I get to float. Along the way I'll keep meeting new friends, stay clear of the notorious types and keep on keeping on. One day at a time.
(thanks for letting me share.)