MissAdventures
- Birthday
- December 19
- Bio
- I was born late in the afternoon of Alyssa Milano’s ninth birthday. According to IMDB, she was starring in a touring production of Annie. I was in the Missouri Ozarks, squalling in anticipation of receiving a record number of Baby’s First Christmas ornaments in only six short days.
Since then, I’ve done several things including learning to walk (albeit, badly), to talk (just slightly too much shit), and to recognize literary allusion. I was baptized into the Christian and, more peripherally, the United Methodist faith. I have won prizes for my tap dancing and my essays about What I Love About America. I tightrolled my jeans… and sometimes I still do. I graduated high school and, later, college. Then I went to school some more.
I have had thirteen jobs and eleven addresses. I have been to all but six US States. I voted for a third party candidate in 2000 and would like to apologize for that.
I can haggle, touch my tongue to my nose, and diagram sentences. I run marathons. I like beer and do not like the prescription drugs or illnesses that prevent me from drinking it. I take a lot of baths and watch an embarrassing amount of tv. My ambitions are to have really good abs, to keep my (naturally curly) hair cut too short to frizz, to convince people to publish my writing and give me money, and to find my place in the wide world.
MY RECENT POSTS
- Take What You Can Carry
February 12, 2009 08:04PM - Revision
February 12, 2009 02:17PM - Your love is the place where I
come from
February 11, 2009 04:51PM - more from the library
February 03, 2009 05:16PM - Today God gives milk/and I
have the pail
January 29, 2009 04:32PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “Dana Elizabeth- the
funny thing is, this essay
began as the
beginning of a
zillio…”
February 12, 2009 02:32PM - “Dana Elizabeth: thanks.
I guess it has.
Emma
Peel: thanks too. It's funny.
I ab…”
February 03, 2009 12:44PM - “I suggest that, as a
man, you ought to consider
getting some
periods.”
January 29, 2009 07:15PM - “I share your mom's
affection for Tommy Lee Jones.
I think I
have to go put my
he…”
January 29, 2009 06:19PM - “I love this post. I used
to work in an antique store
where
customers would
occas…”
January 29, 2009 06:02PM
MissAdventures's Links
Take What You Can Carry
Revision
MissAdventures, one week ago, in conversation with a girl friend: I love gray hair. I think it's great looking. I mean, I used to work with this woman who wore her hair in a perfectly smooth gray bob. It was, like, the hair equivalent of soft-serve ice cream. I wanted he… Read full post »
Your love is the place where I come from
When I was very young I squatted in the broken place in the sidewalk that was in the shape of Africa and imagined there were elephants playing in the yard between my house and my granny's. I pretended that I was a lion or a beautiful grown up lady wearing earrings… Read full post »
more from the library
A minute ago, a guy came and sat down across from me. From his shoulder bag he produced a computer identical to my own. I have a bulky Dell that wasn't the latest model available when I bought it four years ago. This guy is, I suppose, handsome, but in the… Read full post »
Today God gives milk/and I have the pail
Today I sold my dvd player. Dvd players are, if you think about it, a redundant technology. I can just as easily watch movies on my computer after all. In fact, you might say I could watch movies even more easily that way: the laptop rests quite nicely on my abdomen… Read full post »
Cheap Thrills: on being poor and smelling (too) delicious
Did you eat something before you came over?
I was sitting next to a guy I sort of liked and who sort of liked me. We were watching a movie on his couch. Three hours earlier, I'd eaten a hummus and cucumber sandwich. I'd brushed my teeth. I'd flossed. I'd gargled.&n… Read full post »
Overheard in the Library: part two
Girl #1: Do you remember that poem? About the monster? From like a long time ago?
Girl #2: Yeah. The one we were like supposed to read? For Miss Jacobs' class?
Girl #1: Yeah. What was the name of that?
Girl #2: Beta Something?
Girl #1: I thought it had to… Read full post »
The Plan: now in a conveniently type-A outline format
I. Short-term employment. I’ve decided that I need a job as soon as humanly possible and, toward that end, I’m applying with organizations that provide in-home care to the elderly. I’m completing applications today and am making calls to set up interviews. I have… Read full post »
Bad Excuses
Lately my blog sucks. It does. The Nicholas Sparks thing was prodigiously unfunny, although I flatter myself it is mildly okay when delivered as an abreviated monologue over drinks. The Barack Obama Doesn't Pee in Trash Cans thing was neither as funny nor as poignant as I inte… Read full post »
On Presidential Authority and, of course, Toilets
My friend Annick's kids love Barack Obama. They crayon pictures and then tape those pictures up on the fridge themselves. They draw him with soft, full afros like their own and a dark brown face. They draw him in orange blazers because they like orange and in tight black suits like… Read full post »
Dear Nicholas Sparks,
I am writing to you with sincerity in my heart, because I believe we have much in common. For instance, I learn from your wikipedia entry that we were both born in small midwestern cities. Actually, I already knew that about myself, which is fortunate as I have not yet garnered… Read full post »
Farewell, Courtney Love
You've heard they're breaking up, right?
Over the weekend I made a brief trip to the city I used to live in before I lived, you know, here. I had coffee with a friend who chronicles the local music scene on his blog, and he delivered the bad news about my… Read full post »
The Delicate Art of Mooching
I'm meeting my friend Melissa for coffee in about an hour. This is a social situation that must be tactfully negotiated. Melissa is planning to buy my coffee, or I assume she is because whenever we have coffee, she does. I am planning to make a pretense of paying, because whenever… Read full post »
I was nursing a scotch and sitting next to my rich cousin's drunk wife. My cousin had offered to take me to dinner anywhere I liked. I suggested Indian food, so we, obviously, went to… Read full post »
Aw Bollocks: on the apparent limits of nepotism
I just got a call from the place I interviewed most recently. The place with health insurance and a 401k. The place that had put me on a list of three finalists for the position.
My brother also works there, so when the phone rang I let it go to voicemail. … Read full post »
Miles to Go: thoughts on, among other things, mutual funds
Joshua-not-Josh is a dear friend and the husband of one of my old roommates and is about to finish his MBA. His wife, Jennifer, finished her PhD in statistics last spring. I suspect they may both be quite a lot smarter than me, in part because they can do long division. … Read full post »
In which the disaffected meets the disappointed
Two years ago, while I was still working as America's Least Effective and Most Disaffected Administrative Assistant, I met a America's Saddest Man. His name was Mike. I'd sent my resume to an educational testing agency and had sort of convinced myself I had a deep passion for educational… Read full post »
Overheard in the Library
I'm at the library and two old women are standing nearby, at
the
suspense paperbacks.
"Have you read this one?" They're talking very loudly.
"No, I don't think so. Heard about the author
though."
"Oh, look it's part of a series."
"Oh I don't read serieses."
"Why not."
"I'm old,… Read full post »
On the Job Hunt
This morning I finally had that job interview I'd written about. You remember: weeks and weeks ago I compared that interview and job hunting generally to junior high love. Junior high love moves fast. Relationships begin and end within a week or, sometimes, within a single day… Read full post »
Midnight in Moutain Time
Probably my best New Year's Eve was spent on a futon under a blanket with three other people. Perhaps I should add that we were all chilly and slightly intoxicated and not having an orgy.
It was 2000-something. My boyfriend was away at grad school in Boston that year but had… Read full post »
On Being Born to, well, Waddle: some thoughts on resolutions
The thing about not being, strictly speaking, gainfully employed is that you have all this time on your hands for meaningful introspection. I have lately discovered that I may have a tiny and adorable resolution making addiction. I’m formulating more resolutions than anyone I know o… Read full post »
On Empathy
Marcus came home from school crying. He's in kindergarten and is my best friend Annick's oldest child. He's also one of the world's top three most adorable children. Annick lives, as she puts it, in the shittiest house in the swankest suburb of the coolest city in America. The… Read full post »
Hilary
My grandfather, the father of my father, left school in the fifth grade. He and his older brother packed a clean shirt and clean socks and a couple of sandwiches each and left home to find work. They had many sisters and brothers and a father who was old and always… Read full post »
- Able to effectively assess the historicity Guns 'N Roses tribute bands.
- Encyclopedic knowledge of home remedies for dandruff.
- Skilled at matching ER guest stars of the 1990s to their characters.
- Award-winning sentence diagrammer.
- Captain of 1999's fourth most successful mock trail team in sout … Read full post »
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Last night, I left the library and discovered my car was completely glazed over with ice. I couldn't open the doors. I could barely make out the pair of gloves I'd left laying on the front seat. The thermometer on the bank across the street said the temperature was seven… Read full post »
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