A Career for which I am Ill-Qualified

MissAdventures

Birthday: December 19

Bio: I was born late in the afternoon of Alyssa Milano’s ninth birthday. According to IMDB, she was starring in a touring production of Annie. I was in the Missouri Ozarks, squalling in anticipation of receiving a record number of Baby’s First Christmas ornaments in only six short days. Since then, I’ve done several things including learning to walk (albeit, badly), to talk (just slightly too much shit), and to recognize literary allusion. I was baptized into the Christian and, more peripherally, the United Methodist faith. I have won prizes for my tap dancing and my essays about What I Love About America. I tightrolled my jeans… and sometimes I still do. I graduated high school and, later, college. Then I went to school some more. I have had thirteen jobs and eleven addresses. I have been to all but six US States. I voted for a third party candidate in 2000 and would like to apologize for that. I can haggle, touch my tongue to my nose, and diagram sentences. I run marathons. I like beer and do not like the prescription drugs or illnesses that prevent me from drinking it. I take a lot of baths and watch an embarrassing amount of tv. My ambitions are to have really good abs, to keep my (naturally curly) hair cut too short to frizz, to convince people to publish my writing and give me money, and to find my place in the wide world.

MY RECENT POSTS

Take What You Can Carry
February 12, 2009 08:04PM
Revision
February 12, 2009 02:17PM
Your love is the place where I come from
February 11, 2009 04:51PM
more from the library
February 03, 2009 05:16PM
Today God gives milk/and I have the pail
January 29, 2009 04:32PM

MY RECENT COMMENTS

“Dana Elizabeth- the funny thing is, this essay began as the beginning of a zillio…”
February 12, 2009 02:32PM
“Dana Elizabeth: thanks. I guess it has. Emma Peel: thanks too. It's funny. I ab…”
February 03, 2009 12:44PM
“I suggest that, as a man, you ought to consider getting some periods.”
January 29, 2009 07:15PM
“I share your mom's affection for Tommy Lee Jones. I think I have to go put my he…”
January 29, 2009 06:19PM
“I love this post. I used to work in an antique store where customers would occas…”
January 29, 2009 06:02PM

MissAdventures's Links

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JANUARY 8, 2009 1:40PM

Rate: 12 Flag

You know, if you don't like your job there are other things you could be doing.

I was nursing a scotch and sitting next to my rich cousin's drunk wife. My cousin had offered to take me to dinner anywhere I liked. I suggested Indian food, so we, obviously, went to a steakhouse. One of those dark Republican haunts that seem to be made of leather and held together with the smoke of expensive cigars.

Like what?

For instance, you could do what I did.

I had to think a minute about what profession Cousin Sissy had printed on all those pink business cards.

Become a part-time decorator?

Marry money, baby.

Ah. That's one idea.

She nodded her head vigorously. Maybe wobbled would be an apter verb.

But, you know, I don't really think I have the breasts for it.

I'm going to write you down a phone number, little one.

She took out her business card and a little gold pen. She wrote down the number and handed it to me.

Thanks very much.

I stuck the card in my purse. Now, I'm a vegetarian, so I don't eat steak. I'm a runner, so I don't smoke cigars. But I am not above drinking a good single malt scotch on my rich cousin's dime. My cousin has lots of dimes, so I'm sure you can do that math.

After hearing much too much about the car dealership and the kids and the small yappy dogs, I excused myself to the powder room. There was a payphone inside. On a whim, I picked up the receiver, dropped in some change, and dialed the number on Cousin Sissy's business card.

It was a plastic surgery clinic.

Cousin Sissy: 1 MissAdventures Ego: 0