It's true. We don't. I suppose nobody likes it. But I think other societies are more equipt to stop doing stuff and filling the hole and pain with junk. We just want to run from any pain. We want to always feel good. Grief is so healthy. A very dear post. Thank you.R.

I've been saying it for years, we live in an "It can't/won't happen to me" world, and people live with their heads so deeply buried in the sand that I might as well buy sunscreen, cause those folks heads are so deep they're gonna get scorched by the earth's core. LOL

seriously, people just can not, will not understand what we go through, simply because they don't care, and they don't care because they believe it doesn't affect them.

Until it does

And they find themselves even more shattered than those of us who realize that bad stuff happens and we have to prepare for it as best we can.

And in the meantime, "fuck'em and feed'em fish guts" :-) ~HUGS~

Oh, sweetie, I do believe (from this point here, not where you are) that the worst thing would be to not speak the pain. Though you would know better. If so, then I wish for you friends, new or old, who will speak it with you, who will hear you and listen, who will hold you when you break down and cry... I wish you joy, somehow, or relief of some kind even if it's fleeting, in her memory or some such other thought you find. And I wish the same for your husband, your marriage, and your whole family. Love to you, Julie

An honest true hard post. I still talk about my son in the present tense. I still cry each day and I feel a terrible guilt if some one "catches" me grieving and crying.

The next person that says, "Everything happens for a reason" is going to have a large, scruffy Irishman wailing into their breast. That'll teach 'em.

A pain without end.
Rated.

It was not like that before. Yet in the past few decades we developed this heartless culture of move on with your life. I am always in awe watching a woman in full--two-hour--makeup talking on TV about how she feels a few hours after her husband/son/daughter died.
Great post, rated.

i will admit that i am disappointed in this post myself; it doesn't convey the anger that i feel regarding this issue. i am not sure why am having trouble letting it out. it falls short of what i feel.

MissingK8 you are wise. Because you have lost one you needed to keep you know. I understand what you mean, you become locked alone in a box of hell. People want you to protect them from your pain. I would think there's something wrong with you if you didn't miss her all your life. How could you not? That's what I can't understand. I can't do anything to take away your pain, whether your leg breaks or your heart. All I can do is allow you whatever time you need to do what you have to. Hopefully when you find moments of joy here and there it will help. I try to love my girls well every day because I know, I am in fact, just like you. I could be the next mother with a loss you never stop feeling.

In some strange sync I just unpacked my old tools, my oldest Vigor rosary pliers. Leftover bits and pieces from 20 years ago as a wholesale jewelry designer. How funny. My hands were so clumsy, I forgot how much control and focus to get tiny things right, squeeze gently, leave no tool mark. Create beauty. It's somehow soothing that if it's not right, it's so easy to fix a "thing", it's one thing I can fix when I can't fix my hurt. I'm putting together an assortment of pieces, nothing costly, no more than sterling or GF, just lovely things. I'm sending them to my cousin who lets me hurt. I can say anything, she's my no platitude sister who just sits beside me, I can do anything but try to completely destroy myself, and I have. One day she'll open a box with pretty things, I've been scouring to incorporate "vintage". She gets to be the giver and the decider. She can keep 20 or so pieces or give it all away. She can choose who gets what or let them choose. I'm only asking her they be given freely away. If someone wants to pay they can donate to charity or not, she can't tell them any of this, they will be their own decision makers. She will not be responsible for them, only her own giving. She gets to keep or give as she wishes. I can't wait to hear the stories she's going to tell me. I think I'm going to get more than she is out of it. In this way I have a little control, I get to be a bit of the giver and decider too. Some days it's the best I can hope for, finding happiness in letting someone else have all the joy and just sitting there beside them.

I wish with all my heart I had something to offer that would take away your pain. All I can do is sit here with you too.

Kate,

I am with you 100% and I know that anger. After losing my son, if I heard "She is with Jesus now. That should make you happy!" from one more person I was going to go off on them. Really.

Americans have an allergy to grief. It may be widespread, but we're one of a few cultures who actually tries to hide death. What, do we think we are going to escape it by not admitting it happens?

Your observation about friends saying stupid shit and falling away because it mirrors their own worse fears is right on. I can attest to that.

It's March. My son would be 18 this month. I feel you all the way through. Love to you.

It's true. I have grieved a lot in my life. And people give you a specific amount of time it seems.
After my child died in 1974, I stopped speaking. People tiptoed around me like they didn't even see me anymore. But they never said her name outloud.
In 1992, after my car accident and I lost my ability to walk, the people at church where I was a member, gave me 6 months to grieve. Then people wondered why I wasn't adjusting. They thought it was the wheelchair that wasn't modern enough.
They just don't get it.
Loosing someone or a part of your body changes you forever.
Great post. Rated.
Kim

Yeah, we don't like grief, it reminds us something bad happened, and we don't handle bad that well, especially death of others, because it reminds us, that we will die too some day, maybe soon, and that makes us sad, and well, sad is bad,

But I will add, PFFFFFFFFT!!! to those people who say such things as "It's been 4 years now. Don't you think it's time you moved on?" Actually I say to them, "F&*k YOU!!!" *nodding*

That was your daughter, your flesh and blood, not some puppy dog. We're not suppose to outlive our children and they're not suppose to die, not as children, not so young, yes, it's a shock and will be for a very long time, if it will ever leave you.

Rated.

Everything needs to be neat and pristine - air brushed pretty and high gloss perfect. One of my favorites is: you have to get closure like you can ever get closure on death - death has no closure. Some people act like as soon as the funeral is over everyone should go back to "normal" like they just viewed a 90 minute movie and are leaving the theater. Among others you mention, I've gotten:

"I know just how you feel: my dog died last year and he was just like a child to me."

I am not sure what happens to people that they are so alienated from other humans that they can not differentiate between the death of a pet and the tragic death of a young human family member. We have lost our ability to empathize and go deep in grief with others - to hold them close when they are in severe pain that we can not make better - just be there with them and let them do the talking.

The person who made the dog comment got angry with me when I told her it wasn't the same...people close themselves off for fear of living and feeling - and dogs can't talk back and disabuse these people of their illusions.

For someone so young, you're pretty smart. Losing a child changes everything. Nothing will every be like it was. Funerals are for the living. So they can get together and grieve for a day, and go on. The parents never get over it. This was a very brave post!

Nothing constructive to add, but I hope you find comfort in writing this, if only for your own sake.

You are right. People are scared shitless of death, grief, and emotion in general. Your incredible loss reminds them it could happen to them. They need to change the channel.
I cannot imagine your grief and your outrage at losing your daughter. I cannot imagine it. I believe with my whole heart that there is no expiration date on grief. I wish there was something I could do. I'm listening.

Dearest, you are so right. I've thought the same thing for many years, like Stellaa. Grief and mourning are scary and deep and feel and look endless...and that therein may be the lesson for the rest of us. (Not for you.) But for the rest of us, to be the friend throughout, to go into the depths with you (as close s one can get as an outsider), and to be there for you when your smile comes back about something small, maybe about a memory about your dear children, or a flower, or a kitty.

Your rage will come out here. It will. And you are preparing us for that with posts like this. And there are many here who will be here for you when that happens. We're here.

much love to you today

Patty Jane Maher etc., Yes!

I followed DOC MD AMY who rated you. Great!
I love your K-avatar. In the past rural area villages.
The graveyard was a Place where communities met.

Community is pretty much extinct because of greed.
Plutocrats make land preservation an impossibility.
They poison Land, Rx pills # greed - over medicate.

Big PHARMS lure, make ill, and prescribe poisons.
Price Gougers fake "care-quacks" defile everything.
In the past a wood coffin may be constructed early.

A well-made burial coffin stored lace and memory.
People lived the rural life with a sense of eternity.
Grief. Grieve well. I read grief is a alabaster box.

If we grieve properly, the Grief changes. Benefit.
Transform. You will later 'minister' compassion.
Once grief is complete - you assist the community.

Empty-handed we all came to this same Good Earth.
We came naked. We entered this crazy world barefoot.
It's in the coming - the going--
Two simple happenings occur--
Don't be deceived and be entangled.

Important and well written post. So much psychobabble and "positivity" pressure has made us a country of phonies, in many respects.

I gravitated to this first thing in my morning OS reading, not because I wanted to console you (I can't do that), but because I wanted to acknowledge your Truth. I skimmed the responses and see that there are others with similar losses. And no, I can't put myself in any of your specific shoes, as I have no children. But I do know deep loss, and keening grief, and my only (hopefully helpful) comment is that you write. More. You say you didn't convey the nature of the true anger here; well keep writing and keep getting at that root. I am convinced that the first key to healing is drawing upon one's creative gifts, and using them (or allow them to use you)-- not with a goal in mind, but the goal will make itself known. You are a visual artist too--that is wonderful. You have so much to work with. You will never, ever lose the grief, but it will (again, please don't take this the wrong way) make you a better person. You will find your daughter's best qualities in you, becoming part of you. I too wonder almost every day, would I give such and such to have a person back, in whatever compromised condition. The answer is always Yes! I still play games with "God"--where I pick impossible feats, and could I do them thru sheer force of will--well, of course it's just a mind game that means I am still grieving. You will always have it. It will inform you from now until you die. But it also will make you a fuller person, more complete, in a strange way. Anyhow, I you hit the nail on the head with your grievance. (no pun intended--I chose that word and then noticed its similarities to "grief.") (r)

Well, you know I agree with you. I am horrified, but not surprised that people said such things to you. Stellaa is right that "no one wants us to ooze;" they want a fix, a platitude so that they can be more comfortable and go on about their business. I hold you in my virtual arms for as long as you need to grieve at your own pace, in your own way. I'm thinking that might be the rest of your life.

There is no timetable to work through grief. So many people are afraid to talk openly about death and dying, it's no wonder you've gotten such awful comments from insensitive and clueless people trying to "comfort" you. rated.

From my nurse professional ( though childless) perspective, there is no more profound grief than from the loss of a child. It is not what anyone thinks will happen to them. There are many kinds of grief, some are silent, some are loud, some need to be distant. I believe that we should allow each person to grieve that way they need to and provide the comfort and acceptance they require. But that is just my opinion.

"Nobody loves you when you're down and out" - John Lennon

Most people aren't your friend - they're just friends of how you make them feel. Selfish creatures we are. (Don't know why I just channeled Yoda there...)

I'm hearing you. Some comments make me so angry and others hurt. Even though their intentions are good I just want to punch some people for saying shit like that.

Fuck Jesus! He can be happy to welcome somebody else home! I want my wife back any fucking way I can have her. Besides she didn't care for JC that much in the first place so that isn't something she'd have wanted. She's probably STILL standing in front of the pearly gates telling god to get his butt out there so she can chew his ass.

I also don't want to hear all of the "in time you will" bullshit. When some one is your soul and your one great love there will never be enough time to make it better. BTW, who the fuck wants to make it better like that. All time will do is blurr the memory and that is the last thing I want. I want to remember her fucking crystal clearly.

Oh I get the anger alright. I'm feeling it right now as a matter of fact. But I try to keep it in and keep a civil tongue in my mouth even though it's hard. I'm doing this because most of the people here DO care and MY anger isn't really at them it is at having lost her and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel, but I do know you are 100% correct that Americans don't like grief - not at all. Most people will do anything they can to stay away from it. Hence, all the inane comments that come your way. I don't know how it is in other countries, but I know we don't honor grief here in the US. And that's wrong. We've lost our compassion and the ability to just be with someone in their grief.
There are a lot of tremendously kind and open-hearted people on this site. I hope you will be able to give free vent to your feelings here without fear of reprisals or admonishments.
Take as long as you need, dear. And write what your heart feels without fear.
xoxo
Kim

I think your anger & pain shines through clearly, the way I see it you've had the most devastating experience anyone can have, & people say stupid things because they don't know what to say, & we all want neat tidy happy sitcom endings, we want escapism, & death is more indie, it makes us confront what we spend most of our time trying to deny. You are spot-on in this piece & I'm sad & sorry that you had to/have to go through this, I wish children never died, I wish it was a rule, like the moon always in the sky or lemons always being sour. Keep writing, I don't know, maybe it will help.

I don't think it's possible to "like grief."

How can you be happy you're sad? Or sad you're happy? It's like thinking you're wrong. You can't. Only that you were or may be wrong, not are wrong.

Thanks for this. I know when my sister was getting divorced and she wasn't even done with it yet, our other sister and other people were telling her to: "get over it! Move on, already. Deal with it." We were like, jeez, you're not even divorced yet and you're already supposed to be over it?! This is an unfortunate fad right now.

Having said that, don't paint Americans with a broad brush. We are a compassionate people for the most part and a religious group compared to the rest of western civilization. So the platitudes do sometimes come from a profound place of Faith, believing your daughter is okay where she is now. For those who tell you move on, tell them to f*** off [in the nicest possible way, of course.]

Of course you will always love, mourn, grieve Cait. That is your right and your necessity. Not everyone can understand that though it is hard to understand why not.

I am so sorry. I'm pissed at those insensitive people. How dare they presume to challenge you about the time you need to grieve. I am afraid you will always have some grief about missing Caitie and the life she SHOULD have been able to have.

I'll continue to read, and pray for you to have some good times with hubs and son. Live as you know she would want you to. (((hugs))))

A very civil post..well written.
...but...is it what you want to say and how you want to say it?
..or do you feel like breaking something?

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're heart must break every single day. I don't know how you feel, I can say I am sorry and I mean it. But only you and other mothers, fathers and gaurdians of young lives can tell how they hurt, how when they should be sleeping their pillow is no comfort, only a mop for the endless tears that express the loss so dear to them.

I'm sure you stirred some hearts with your words. You touched mine intimately.

I wrote a poem for my daughter, a poem about how her life touched me from the day she was born. I hope you can find something there that brings a little happiness to touch you.

LadyDusk...

@Patty Jane: i think other cultures accept that grief is a normal part of life. thank you

@studman: we've already talked about this. i will fuck 'em and feed 'em fish guts when necessary. *hugs*

@juli: there is joy; it is just always tinged with sorrow now. we need family to speak of our children, but few do. my marriage is intact because we want it to and we work at it. and we love each other. thank you so much for caring.

@scylla: if you need a short irish lass to help, just call me. i know the feeling well. stay strong, friend. that includes being strong enough to let the tears flow.

@thoth: yes, i think we have lost something. we no longer recognize the necessity of grieving, of just hunkering down to walk thru the fire. thank you so much. i value your comments highly.

@stellaa: 'No one wants us to ooze.' YES! i read that line and shouted YES out loud. that is it exactly. no one wants the messiness. thank you for that one sentence alone.

@l'Heure Bleue: just sitting with someone is usually the best thing there is. i have been working on chaine maille jewelry; it is something that takes a lot of concentration and makes me think of other things. creativity is always good, no? thank you.

@sparking: please accept my sorrow at the loss of your boy. it is a unmapped path we walk. the friend thing shocked me. i have always been street smart but very naive. love to you.

@kfujioka: you have had 2 terrible losses...a child and the ability to walk. it is terrible that anyone put a timeframe on your grief. i am sorry.

@Tinkerertink69: thank you for your righteous anger, my dear. it makes me feel good.

@Leonde Delmare: when i was typing the 'dog' one i got all pissed again. it blew my mind. the person was so serious. i have no doubt the person loved their dog. but to compare it to the loss of a child was just nonsensical. i don't even want someone to go deeply into my grief; i just want a decent, common sense 'i'm sorry' without them putting time limit or other platitude that makes THEM feel better on it. thank you so much.

@scanner: thank you for reading. i always value your input.

@eric: you are spot on. americans NEED to feel everything is dandy even when the house is on fire. anything else is considered...well, un-american. thank you so much.

@peppermint: thank you. it is helping me get some demons under control.

@Joan H.: you read my attempts to get some demons under control. you do not judge. for that i thank you.


@CrazeCzar: my comments are not aimed at anyone here or anywhere else in the internet community. they are aimed at people in real life. family member. friends. strangers who overhear me talking to someone and feel they know how to make it better. i have always received nothing less that 100% understanding from those on the 'net. that is the truth. it is family and so-called friends that we should be able to count on that have no idea how to deal with those of us who mourn out children.

@wakingupslowly: i get strength from your post. they make make me feel brave, too. love to you.

@Firestorm McGrew: thank you. you are right.

@Kyle Dykman: oh kyle! you dear, dear person! you have hit the nail on the head! i cannot tell you how much it means for the world to know that our child lived. a few months ago a girl that first visited cait when she was first dx'd, a classmate, posted on her memorial site. she had just found out that caitie had passed. she is devastated. but just her writing on cait's site made me so happy that someone remembers my girl! that is why when family members and friends don't mention her name it hurts so much. love to you, friend.

@Art James: "if we grieve properly the grief changes'. this is so true. thank you.

@fernsy: yep. psychobabble makes me want to puke. thanks, hon.


@dirndl skirt: 'You will find your daughter's best qualities in you, becoming part of you.' it's funny you said this, because i've always felt that when i carried her, she winnowed out my bad parts and kept the good parts of me, sifting through. thank you for your comments.

@ Ann Nichols: thank you so very much.

@OEsheepdog: thank you. you are right about the fear.

@Liberal Southern Democrat: it may be just your opinion, but it is all correct. thank you.

@Harry's Ghost: yoda is always appropriate. thank you.

@Safe_Bet's Amy: i am so sorry for the loss of your wife. see studman's comment above re: the stupid comments. stay as strong as you are able.

@Unbreakable: i am using this writing 'stuff' as self therapy. the feedback and encouragement is invaluable tho, as i've tried blogging before but it is just too lonely. the people here have been very supportive. like you. thank you.

@suzie: 'like the moon always in the sky and lemons always sour'. that is so lovely. and the writing is helping. thank you.

@Snoreville Headinlocker: perhaps i should have said 'tolerate'. unfortunately, grief is a part of life because death is a part of life. it's just the way it is.


Deborah Young: in my experience of 4 long hard years now, as i've described it is how it has pretty much been. as far as people who are sincerely happy that cait is now in heaven, believe me, when it is your child you want to be holding, smelling, listening to...it is not comforting. it just isn't. i do not doubt their sincerity and do not wish to insult anyone, but i don't want her anywhere but with me, going on to college, falling in love, getting married and having children one day. i do appreciate your thoughts. thank you.

@irish colleen in green: i am trying to live as cait wants me to. i keep telling her she needs to be patient with me. thank you.

@J D Smith: AHA! you have sussed me out, jd. it is much more civil than i feel. i DO want to break something. smash something. it just is not ready to come out yet. the gods help me when it does...you are one smart cookie. thank you.

@Bonnie Russell: bonnie, there are still days i am amazed the world is still turning, the seasons changing. it does not seem right or fair. i know it has to happen, but still. thank you so much.


@TheBarkingLot4: what a perfect little response. thank you. thank you.

if i have missed anyone, blame it on the PTSD. again, thank you all for your time in commenting. i appreciate it very much.

I've had to tell myself this a number of times..."nobody can tell you how to grieve". Much love to you.

O this came through alright, big time.

I don't want to detract from your pain but this post brought me to another mother who lost her daughter. She wrote an op-ed in the NYTimes after her beloved only was killed in that Lockerbie air crash. For some reason, she touched me so deeply that I wrote her. To my amazement she wrote back. She said that the grief counselors made it worse, that no one understood this pain of her was FOREVER. Then I could feel her rage, though it wasn't directed at me, it was boiling inside her. And her writing, handwriting, showed that however long she had been grieving it would not be over anytime soon or ever. I never forgot that. That she took the time to get her rage at everything about that crash out on paper. I hope it helped her just as I hope this post does register for enough of us so you will feel a teeny bit less alone at least for an hour or so. Sad! Unfair! rated.

I fully believe that grief and loss have to be embraced or else they eat at a person, even if they don't know it. We lost my brother a little over 10 years ago, he was 17. We talk about him any time it comes to mind, just as we would if he were alive. We don't tiptoe around what happened (a car accident), we don't ignore that he was on this earth for nearly 2 decades. If it makes people uncomfortable that's their problem. He was a unique person, if someone told my mom "but you still have two daughters!" they'd be denying him as a separate and unique personality noone can replace. This is the background with which I hear your words.

The pain becomes more bearable, but it never leaves. I'd be worried if it did. When you truly love someone, that love doesn't "heal", it simply has a new place in reality. Your daughter's memory is precious because it means something to you, don't let anyone take that from you. Grieve however you need to for however long you need to for your own health and acceptance. A 5-year emotional, mental, and physical battle can be a lot to recuperate from.

I have witnessed some of these attitudes, heard some of the same comments. Everyone is so tender when it first happens but there seems to be a set time before that gives way to other things. People underestimate the wound and the different times people have in healing. Why don't people just listen? Losing a child is a horror I know I would never recover from totally. Anyone who doesn't get that is living in a different world. Thanks for this...I heard you.

You did a wonderful job of writing this, expressing your thoughts, and maintaining, above all, the only voice that could possibly narrate something this real and raw. I love it. There are no words, as you expressed in all of this. But today you did something about it, you wrote it. She would be proud.

Rated: By the Official Kilgore Trout of Open Salon.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again.. losing a child is the most monstrous experience life can throw at us. Each of us must grieve in our own way for as long as necessary to reach the ability to stay alive. Especially important to fake it, if we have other children. Eventually we do get on with it, but we never get over it. Never. You have a fellow survivor's most sincere understanding and empathy.

Btw, I love the list of what people said to you, am adding it to mine. Whenever we can, no matter how well-meaning those asses were, we have Got to laugh.

Rated. This was an absolutely wonderful piece.

I have lost many people in my life. And I still feel like the very worst thing to say is nothing at all. No matter how stupid and hurtful some things said can be (as your list proves), the cruel silence of people being afraid or indifferent I found to be the hardest of all. That silence, however does come from not being able to deal with grief....always wanting everything to be "happy". I'm sorry Caitie died. Despite my own grief, I have no way of knowing yours. Talk about her everyday. Too bad for other's discomfort. Not important.

missingK8--I hardly know what to say. OK, I don't, and there is the problem. I haven't lost a child. I can't even begin to imagine life in your shoes.

When I do let my imagination go there, when I ask "what if that was me?" I want to run. Let my mind run away as fast as it can. So while the platitudes are insulting and hurtful, they come from ignorance. Willful ignorance, because if I willingly went there, I'd drown.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for your pain. And I'm sorry for our crappy culture that can't deal with anything that takes more than five minutes. We want to cure things, to put a bow around things, make things better, and "move on." The trouble is, it doesn't work. Some things can't be fixed quickly or ever.

Thank you for your writing.

I know this. You express it well. The pain never goes. It eases, you continue to live, but never forget. Untless they experience it, they may not understand unless they are really willing to listen to you. Or read your words. They think they are being helpful. They don't know that it is really okay to say her name, say they miss her too and cry with you.

It was a shock to me when I lost my husband quickly leaving me with our small daughter and I can relate to those comments and so many others that I hear from adults and children. It feels like we have a disease that is contagious and what is expected is that after an acceptable time we race right back into life as they continue to separate themselves from us. They have expectations that you continue on as if nothing happened but they walk away at the same time so as not to catch it. I think I made the wrong friends all those years. Perhaps I was even one of them. Terrible to find out about it now.

Why do so many people want us to want what they want? Because they denied their own grief or their own pain, we should do the same? and quickly? If you must grieve, do it in private so I won't know. I don't know how to know. I need life to be easy. Emotionally easy. I won't allow anything else. Doesn't matter who you are or what you need. Go away now dear and be a good girl.

Why can't we allow each other just to be, however that happens to be? Why can't we allow each other to be true to our own feelings and to the rhythms of our own lives? Is no one patient enough to let us be ourselves and find our own way, to listen to our own hearts?

I would just add that when I lived in England I trained to be a counsellor. During that time I trained in a volunteer organization called CRUSE to be a bereavement counsellor. If someone rang and needed someone just to be there with them and/or to listen, one of us would go. As I read your piece, I was struck by the similarity of words I heard there. Reasons for the similarities may be different, but the reality for those grieving is the same. Brits were taught to keep their chins up and their feelings to themselves. Many still do.

One last thing here. I worked as the counsellor at an American college there. The mission of the school was to provide an international experience for students and faculty which meant we had people drawn from round the world. I worked with many who suffered loss while I was there and one thing I learned was not to assume that all cultures treated death in the same way. For most the pain was the same, but compassion was shared in different ways.

Sometimes you can see in someone's eyes whether or not they can allow you your pain or whether they must shut you out or down.

Why can we not simply be gentle with each other?

Your work here is so powerful and compelling. If you feel you have not touched all you wanted in this piece, then I hope you will continue. Your words touch so many of us. Perhaps we need your words as much as you do.

Oh my god...how I relate to this, but only in certain ways. I will never know the loss of a child, as I don't have any, but I do understand the pulling away of people when one gets sick--in my case, me.

I also know what you mean by the inane comments good-natured people can make, as what Scylla quoted-- "Everything happens for a reason." A particularly vile one is, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." Wanna bet? Or how about, "All will be revealed to you in time."

Your writing is just so beautiful, and I hope you continue to share your pain here at OS. I live with chronic pain, and I don't know what I'd do without my OS pals. They bear witness in a unique and meaningful way, always.

And as for shaving your head, I know exactly what you mean with that, too. I actually went ahead and did it.

Hugs and loving thoughts to you, dear, dear woman. RATED.