I realize the title of this piece implies some sort of deep ontological questioning--sorry, it's actually just me being neurotic...See, I joined Open Salon  a couple months ago, and now, suddenly, I'm not sure if I should be here. I feel a bit like I'm back to being the nerd I was in high school (I carried a briefcase AND played clarinet in the marching band--jeez, how did I not get beat up more?), and I decided to show up at a party where all the cool kids were. Although I was welcomed at the door, I spent most of the time standing by the punch bowl.

Understand--it hasn't been you, the OS community. I've gotten some great comments, even made the cover twice. It's me. See, what I write is comedy (at least in theory), and I've started to worry my stuff isn't...I dunno...substantial enough. Significant enough. Soul-baring enough.

For example, I think I'm fairly politically aware, but my 'comedy' take on the issues of the day is usually a kind of superficial gloss. Then I read some devastatingly astute analysis of the Middle East or the economic crisis, and I think "ok...my stuff is just gonna look tawdry now--like the guy who tries to break the tension at a funeral with some inappropriate wisecrack ." 

And then I see all the self-revelation. All the heart-wrenching tales of violence, or addiction, or mental illness...I read these, and as a writer, I just freeze up. I'm trying of late to be a bit more revelatory in my writing, but I am surely not at the place yet where I can take my personal demons and put them in the service of a well-crafted essay. It's almost like I get envious--at the bravery, the openness--hell, I'm just envious that someone could expose themself so...comfortably, and yet still make it compelling to others. 

 I'm also not sure I'm keeping with the spirit of blogging, if there is such a thing  (maybe I'll be visited by The Spirit of Blogging Future)...Although a few of my pieces here have been written 'in the moment,' a lot of them are just wacky comedy pieces, not the 'here's where I'm at right now and here's what I'm feeling' vibe that seems to define blogging. I take an idea (or, since I'm confessing here, sometimes a few ideas I've already written) and try to create a few hundred words that are reasonably funny. Then I click 'publish.' It's not a very spontaneous process for me, and it's definitely not a 'journal,' or 'diary,' which I worry is the whole point of doing the regular posting/blog thing.

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm concerned that I'm not contributing to what this community is really about. Because I truly love this community and what I think it represents. When I started putting some pieces up here, I told everyone I could that OS is this amazingly nurturing fellowship of writers, and I love me some nurture. Don't get me wrong--I have no intention of leaving. I just hope that you all don't feel like "ah, here's another bit of prepared schtick from Jokey McStandup--time to get back to the real stories."

Of  course at this point, I now feel awkward from all this sharing. Now I really feel like I'm back in high school. Maybe I just need someone to ask me to dance.