I haven't been writing lately, because I thought I should figure out where I'll be living two weeks from now. Been staying with a friend in Minneapolis while I recover from the latest episode of The World's Oldest Bohemian (starring--me!)...now, as I've said before, I don't mind Minneapolis, in the way one doesn't mind eating a casserole (or 'hot dish,' as it's so descriptively called here), or a comfortable pair of Dockers—they serve a purpose,won't annoy anybody, it won't ever thrill you, like lobster bisque, or...whatever the thrilling analogue to Dockers would be.

It's not that the City of Lakes doesn't have a lot to recommend, but as a performer, I've never been able to shake that tractor beam pull of New York City. And as a writer, I crave diversity. In Minneapolis, a diverse neighborhood means a mix of Norwegians AND Swedes, which is less a melting pot than it is a nice layer cake.

Unlike other times I've moved, I have a wee bit of money, because frankly I caught a break. I landed a freelance writing gig, that I can do anywhere, and I've saved up some money. Unless you're reading this and I owe you money, in which case I'm still looking for a job. Seriously, I probably should get a place to live and get settled before I start paying people back, because otherwise, I'll end up broke and I'll just be asking you for money again.

I realize I'm probably not gonna find a place I can afford in Manhattan, so I've been looking at Craigslist for roommate listings near New York that might be affordable. Pittsburgh, maybe. Now I haven't spent much time in the Outer Boroughs (which always sounds like where you'd get exiled to in Soviet-era Russia), but I have seen a couple of Spike Lee films, so I figure I've got a handle on the area, and as far as knowing my way around Jersey, I have “Clerks” on DVD.

There are some phrases you see in more than a few roommate ads, and I guess it's been a while since I've looked into shared housing, but some of them seem a little strange. I think my favorite is when the person posting asks for “no drama,” which puts me in a bit of a quandary as an actor. Does that mean I can't rehearse at home, or just that I can't actually mount a full production of “Death Of A Salesman” in the common area? And I'm a little put off if all the roommates in the place are described as mellow, or as the kids say, 'chill'--I'd be worried I'd be walking onto the set of a Judd Apatow movie. Do I watch too many movies? Anyway, if a couple of the guys living there were a little less 'chill,' they probably wouldn't have to look for a roommate. I also saw a variation of this (which I hope was a typo) that described two 'chilled' girls...

I was actually offended by one ad. Guy in his twenties, great place, great location, and right as a I was visualizing moving my suitcases in and learning the schedule of the J train, he writes “please be around my age, older people tend to be set in their ways, and that's a drag to live around”...I was actually gonna send him a nasty email, but I remembered my tv shows were on, and I never miss my “CSI.”

There was also a listing which might be the best example of 'too much information' I've ever read. Spent a little time looking at the Philadelphia listings (hey, it's only an hour and a half by train), and was really tempted by an apartment that was listed right in the heart of the city. Free internet. free laundry, five minute walk to the commuter train, and this:

A cat lives there already that will fight other cats. A former roommate once took heroin and passed out in the middle of the night with the oven on. For obvious reasons, she's been replaced.

First, note that the cat WILL fight other cats. Not 'might.' It will--as if, that's what they have it for. Secondly...the roommate. Couldn't just say she's moved out, no, we needed the pulp novel, Billie Holliday visual. Yeah, she was replaced, but it doesn't say whether they replaced her with another junkie who just doesn't attempt any baking. While you're at it, you might want to replace the cat. Oddly enough, this ad didn't say 'no drama.'

 On a lighter note, I'll share my favorite typos. One place seemed charming, and I think they meant 'large' furnished apartment, but the headline clearly said the apartment was 'MARGE FURNISHED." I imagine moving in, and there's Marge--because, well, nobody had the heart to ask her to leave.

And my favorite--an apartment that conveniently has a 'laundrymoat." I'm thinking this may not even be a typo, but some medieval-inspired building feature, designed to prevent tenants from other building from taking your stuff out of the dryer. And it can't be a typo--I mean the 'o' isn't near the 'm' or the 'a' on the keyboard!  They must actually have a 'laundrymoat'! I think I need to take a break from reading these.