The title of this piece makes it sound like a VH-1 style docuentary about a celebrity chef …“Next on ‘Behind the Cooking’—Paula Deen’s heart-wrenching journey from heroin addiction to ham hock soup.” That’s not where I’m going with this. And for the record, I’m not suggesting Paula Deen was ever actually a junkie. But sometimes she does have crazy eyes.

Now, by taking you ‘behind the cooking,’ I want to take you inside my ‘process,’ and give you all the reasons behind everything that went into one particular dinner I made recently. Since I converted to Judaism several years ago, I’ve never kept kosher, but I typically don’t cook swine. However, we won a free pound of pork sausage in some contest at our grocery store, and we’re kinda broke right now. After hours of deep spiritual questioning, I decided God wanted me to cook it. And it was good.

It’s just your basic meat/sauce/pasta deal, but make sure you follow the measurements and steps precisely, or…well, I have no idea what might happen, but I’m not gonna be responsible for it.

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Capellini con Carne Gratuito e Sugo Insolito

ingredients

1 lb…………………………………….capellini

1 handful………………………………sliced mushrooms

1 piece…………………………………onion

1 stalk…………………………………celery

1……………………………………….carrot

A few shakes………………………….rosemary

The last of a small container…………sage

1 shake………………………………...parsley

More than I intended…………………cumin

Some…………………………………...dill

1 can……………………………………organic tomato sauce

1 can…………………………………...green beans

Plenty………………………………….extra virgin olive oil

A few splashes………………………..Tabasco sauce

A little …………………………………kosher salt

1 pound……………………………..…ground pork sausage

0 cloves………………………………..fresh garlic

  the thought process

I open my cupboards for inspiration. Capellini (Italian for ‘a dollar a box’), is enough like spaghetti that I figure I’ll just make my own red sauce and cook the sausage in a skillet—I got this. Now, the mushrooms look they might turn in a couple days, and the onion is looking a little tired, so those are in. The carrot is in because, even though I’ve never seen either of us grab a carrot for a snack, for some reason we buy carrots every week, and I’m tired of throwing out carrots.

I know it’s borderline heresy to make a pasta dish without garlic, but I was out of garlic. It was too hot and humid to walk to the store, so I said to myself “Screw it, I’ve got other spices,” and “Who needs garlic anyway,” and “I’ll show them.” I’m kinda touchy that way.

For the sausage, I grabbed parsley, sage, and rosemary, and for the next ten minutes, I had the song “Scarborough Fair” stuck in my head. Good thing I didn’t have any thyme, or I might have actually made Simon and Garfunkel appear in my kitchen. I also grabbed some dill, because it was next to the rosemary. I used cumin, because my baby loves her some cumin. Which I thought could be the name of an old blues song.

The tomato sauce I used was organic, because The Girlfriend always buys organic, even though I’m pretty sure most of the pesticides are gone by the time the tomatoes are turned into sauce, pressure-sealed and sauteed. Oh, and I could have used whole mushrooms, but then I’d just have to slice them. And lastly, I used a little extra kosher salt to offset the whole pork thing.

 instructions

The Girlfriend gets home around 5:30, so plan to start prep around 4:30. Get distracted on Facebook. Start prep at 6:00.

In a big pot, bring a bunch of water to a boil. Add some salt at some point in there. When the water is at a rolling boil, realize you should have prepared the vegetables. Turn off burner. Place carrot, mushrooms, and onion into the weird little blender thing you got for your birthday. Use ‘pulse’ setting, as that’s the only button it has.

When The Girlfriend notices the celery on the cutting board and says, “Ooh, I love when you cook with celery,” smile and then when she leaves the room add the celery to the ‘blender’ like you meant to earlier. Set aside the ‘blended’ veggies.

Bring water to boil. Again. Add pasta to pot (while you’re at it, add some pot to your pasta!). Now to duplicate my results exactly, it’s very important to forget how quickly angel hair pasta cooks.

In a bowl, mix the sausage with the spices, including the sage, because ‘adding sage’ sounds like something chefs do.  Pour olive oil into a big skillet;  shake the Tabasco bottle at the skillet like your that guy in church who spreads the incense.

Heat skillet for a bit, then add sausage mix to skillet in small chunks. Without thinking, use plastic spatula to break up meat, then take partially-melted spatula out and use wooden spoon. Start to add sauce until you remember that if your meat is smothered in a red sauce you won’t be able to judge the color of the meat to know if it’s cooked.

Test the temperature of the meat (you want at least 170Ëš), and then realize that since it’s ground up into little pieces, you can’t use your thermometer. Try to guess when it’s ‘done enough’!

Turn heat down on skillet, then finally remember your angel hair pasta. Use the big pasta spoon to stir the overcooked noodles, and notice how a chunk of them have congealed into one giant super noodle. Separate this chunk. When handle breaks off of pasta spoon, stop stirring. Melodramatically announce that you’ve ‘ruined dinner.’ Drain pasta and set aside.

Turn heat up on skillet ‘just to make sure,’ and add veggie mix. Stir. Add tomato sauce and stir again. Turn heat down on skillet and cover, while you figure out what to do next.

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Well, there you have it. A look at the method behind the magic. Somehow my bumbling in the kitchen once again ended up as a decent meal. The sauce was light and tasty, with odd little crunchy bits, and I had forgotten how good pork tastes (why can’t observant Jews be prohibited from eating eggplant, or Brussels sprouts?). I will say, though, the one thing I would do differently next time, is probably throw in some garlic.