I suppose I'm a food writer now, since this is for a book about food, but it's not the sort of writing I imagined doing for my first book. I fancied myself being a novelist one day, but I have to admit I'm just not that organized.

I don't remember things I wrote last week, so it seemed a bit out of my reach to keep track of multiple characters over hundreds of pages AND have the story make sense. "His first novel was marred by the recurrence of the main character years after being killed, and by several chapters that seemed to be from an entirely different novel."

I also fancied myself a screenwriter for a time, until I realized that every story idea has already been made into a movie. If, after combining the talents, experience and imagination of Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard, all you end up with for a movie concept is "What if cowboys fought aliens?", then why bother?

Of course, if they had found a way to have the cowboys and aliens fight some pirates, it might have been the coolest film EVER. At least amongst that coveted middle-school demographic.

"So, tell me the real story behind your meatloaf..."

When I was still doing standup, I went through a very brief and regrettable phase where I called myself a 'comedy journalist.' Although I understand now how insufferably pretentious that was, I still love the IDEA of being a reporter.

From "The Front Page" to "All the President's Men" (I even watched "Lou Grant" on tv), I've always been drawn to the hard-boiled, cynical journalist, press pass shoved in the brim of his hat, tilting against the windmills of corruption.

I found a way to channel my inner Murrow with occasional interviews of people on the fringes of the food scene. Emboldened by my hard-hitting look at an L.A. doughnut shop, I needed a new story to sink my teeth into, and that's when I read about the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra.

"Seriously? We can't just play REGULAR instruments? Whose idea was this?"

Sometimes called 'Das erste Wiener Gemüseorchester (not sure why the 'erste,' since that means 'first' and there's not likely to be much confusion as to WHICH vegetable orchestra based in Vienna you mean), they play music made out of fresh fruits and vegetables.

The twelve member ensemble composes and plays a wildly eclectic mix of modern music including "beat-oriented House tracks, experimental Electronic, Free Jazz, Noise, Dub..." Oddly, enough, they don't mention 'bluegrass,' which would seem to be right up their alley.

They take about ninety pounds of fresh produce for each concert (and they play concert halls across Europe), then a few hours before showtime they fashion their instruments. Cutting, carving, chopping, drilling...

Carrot flutes, eggplant clappers, and celeriac bongos; and radish horns and pepper rattles and cucumberphones (why do I suddenly feel like Dr. Seuss?); and of course the leek violin (if I'd only listened when my parents pressured me to take 'leek violin' lessons).

Unfortunately, a group this...cutting edge has been interviewed before, and all the good, 'real' questions have already been asked (damn you NPR!). And, if I really wanted to play cub reporter, I would have to put aside my skepticism and my preconceptions.

For instance, despite what you might have learned from "The Sound of Music," not all Austrian performers are like the Von Trapp family and on the run from Nazis. Well, there goes that story angle. Were they a bunch of pretentious, bored young Austrian intellectuals with too much free time? Because historically, that's led to some problems. But as it turns out, they couldn't have been more accommodating.

"Sure, I love to answer ridiculous questions from comedians."

Their publicist, Denice, put me in touch with Joerg Piringer, who would have an umlaut in his name if I knew how to do that. Thankfully, he was willing to overlook that, and to tolerate my fractured high school German ("Yeah, it's another American who only speaks English--you wanna take this one, Joerg?"). So, I put my fedora on and plunged into the interview--the complete audio is on the MeatloafMuffins website under 'Interviews":

My first question wasn't recorded, and before you start spreading some internet conspiracy theory ("THE SHOCKING QUESTION THE ORCHESTRA REFUSED TO ANSWER!"), it was just a cheap microphone that cut out on me.

I asked him if the group would consider working with other 'non-vegetable' musicians, and he mentioned that they had collaborated with a trumpet player. Well, that's a start, but what about doing a whole album with Lady Gaga (she wears a meat dress, you play vegetables, it's a balanced concert!? Or have Diddy produce a record so you guys get some hip-hop cred!

I had read that the orchestra was formed in 1998, and my research told me that the top-selling music act that year was Celine Dion, so I asked whether they were trying to make an artistic statement about Celine Dion and her type of music, and he told me they were

"more concerned with...contemporary classical music." I was hoping for a little Celine-bashing.

I wanted to know whether anyone had any experience with vegetables and other produce prior to the orchestra, and he said

"Not really, only...cooking. Not really playing, or anything like that." I guess they were having dinner one night and someone said "I wonder what sound this would make if I blew into it."

When I asked him if there would be tension in the group if someone wanted to form an all-meat orchestra as a side project, he said

"Nobody would have a problem with that...everybody has other projects, because the Vegetable Orchestra isn't big enough...it doesn't provide enough income for everybody." What kind of world is this, where people can't make an honest living as vegetable musicians?

At this point I apparently believe that I write for Rolling Stone, because I ask him whether their groupies are usually vegans. Though he said, "Not really," he also said that they get a  lot of  "feedback" from vegans and vegetarians, and maybe that's some sort of code. He also said they don't really have groupies, but I think he was being coy. Vegetable or not, they're still musicians who tour. They get laid, trust me.

The orchestra had a tradition at one time of making a soup from their instruments and sharing it with the audience, but apparently some venues suggested that might not be a good idea, hygeine-wise. Having played a woodwind instrument (that had to be cleaned), I'd have to agree.

After learning which instrument is most difficult to play (broccoli), I was becoming desperate to uncover a scandal, so I asked Joerg how stoned they were when they came up with the idea for a vegetable orchestra, and he helpfully pointed out that

"The only place marijuana is not illegal is the Netherlands," and as for the idea, he explained " We were just--crazy with ideas..." Yeah, and I'm just high on life.

I thought I had the perfect question to bring our conversation to a close. I knew this was Pulitzer material--the kind of question that brings the reader inside the mind of the subject in a blaze of insight. I, and my readers, needed to know--"Do Brussels sprouts sound better than they taste?"

"Well, you can make some squeaking sounds if you press them together....and I like the taste!" There's your page one scoop--"AUSTRIAN MUSICIAN SECRETLY WORSHIPS BRUSSELS SPROUTS, CLAIMS THEY SPEAK TO HIM BEFORE CONCERTS." How's that for investigative journalism?

In fact, Joerg was an incredibly good sport about my...unorthodox questions, and as much as I may have intended to mock the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra (I'm a licensed comedian--it's what I do), I listened to the music, and--I thought it was great. You let yourself get caught up in these oddly resonant, earthy sounds, layered on a bed of beats  from pumpkins and gourds and leafy greens, and it's actually, really good.

It's not mainstream, Celine Dion assembly-line accessible, but if you can open your ears to it, 'vegetable music' can be pretty tasty. I think if they really want a foothold in the U.S, though, they should put out an album of covers. Of songs with food in the title. I bet they could do a killer version of Booker T.'s 'Green Onions.'

For more info on the group, their concert schedule, and to buy their new album 'Onionoise,' go to vegetableorchestra.org

photos of orchestra and Joerg Piringer--courtesy Zoefotografie / photo of Edward R. Murrow--public domain