I suppose, if I were to make a 'bucket list'' of things I want to do before I check out,  I would have to put 'make bucket list ' near the top. It's not that I don't make lists--mix my OCD with a little weed, and making lists becomes a necessity if I want to, for example, accomplish anything.

And it's not that there aren't things I want to experience while I'm still...experiential. No, the problem with lists of the bucket variety is that I don't want the pressure. If I make a grocery list and forget to pick up milk, I can go back to the store for milk. When I meet my Vaguely Defined And Essentially Metaphorical God, I'd rather not be confronted with an itemized list of Things I Meant To Do.

I like to think that most of the things I haven't done remain undone by choice, not lack of opportunity. I thought of all this when I realized that I've never been to a 'theme restaurant.'  I know you're thinking, "That was a really long way to go if that's all he's getting at." Well, first of all, stop whining--it was three extra paragraphs you had to read.

Point being, the concept of a theme restaurant has never appealed to me. I always imagined the 'experience' at a theme restaurant to be a combination of overpriced food and bad theater, neither of which I tend to seek out. Here in the U.S., the most successful 'concept' is probably Medieval Times, or as it's also known, The Place Where Kids Who Used To Play Dungeons And Dragons Work To Save Up Money To Go To Renaissance Festivals.

We also have Old West themed restaurants, pirate themes, 1920's gangster themes...all of which I want to mock, but then I realize that the minimum-wage server with the eye-patch and the cheesy wench costume may be as close to studying history as most Americans ever get. We like our education to come with an appetizer, thank you very much.

It's tragic how far we have fallen behind other nations in the bizarre-restaurant race. Beirut, Lebanon has a joint called 'Buns and Guns' that serves pizzas named after landmines (imagine the excitement when they announce "Claymore at table 5") and a sandwich called the AK-47. Ah, the wacky Lebanese. And in Nanning, China they have a place where the servers wear Mao-era Red Guard uniforms--I'm guessing they have a pretty strict 'no substitutions' policy there.

But no country can out-theme Japan. First time in Tokyo and fancy a meal? Bring the whole family to Nyotaimori, where you can eat sushi off a replica of a woman's naked body made of dough! Or, maybe you're in Taipei--take your sweetheart to Modern Toilet, where, apparently, you sit on toilets while you eat out of toilets. And don't forget to check out the several  cafes with a French Maid / Giggling Concubine 'theme.'

Look, my Japanese friends. You can stop pushing the envelope, weirdness-wise. We get it. You're smarter than we are, and much more clever. And you kick our ass when it comes to kitsch. From Hello Kitty! to bubblegum pop music, you win the game of Ironic Embrace. Now stop it. We get that having that many smart, intensely driven people on a tiny island can drive you a little crazy, but you must stop opening businesses based on the crazy.You're screwing up the curve for the rest of us.

Besides, having your servers dress as mildly pornographic archetypes isn't exactly groundbreakign. We're the culture responsible for Hooters. And skimpy costumes do not, in a technical sense, make it a theme, unless you're saying the 'theme'  is "Philandering Businessmen," in which case you should throw in some other characters. Have the hostess play a disgruntled  'wife,' and hire children to unexpectedly show up asking in broken English , "Are you my daddy?" You wanna do fantasy, commit to it.

Which leads me to a few ideas I have for theme restaurants. Admittedly, I haven't fully fleshed out these ideas, and granted, I don't even have the capital to eat at most restaurants, let alone own one, but if there are any bored venture capitalists out there reading this, here's a chance to invest in the next big thing:

• Like regional cuisine? Come to Club DMZ, a North Korean eatery, where you'll dine on rice. Just rice. Call ahead to make sure they're not out of rice. While waiting in an orderly line for your rice, take the opportunity to pledge loyalty to The Great Leader Who Makes Rice Possible. Make sure to plan to arrive in time for the daily parade, when the entire wait staff combines with the kitchen staff for choreographed mass gymnastics displays.

• Your dining experience seems to never end at Quagmire, an authentic Afghani bistro. Delight in the festive atmosphere while servers dressed as tribal warlords take your food from you! Place your order, then watch in amazement as competing factions in the kitchen battle for control over your meal! And tell Grandpa to bring his reading glasses, because the menu is in twenty different languages!

• History buffs will shout "Huzzah!" at the opening of The K Man, a restaurant devoted to the legacy of our eleventh president, James K. Polk. Gleefully relive the years 1845-1849, and explore waistline expansionism as you try their signature omelette, the 'Manifest Destiny,' featuring Oregon salmon and a side of Texas Toast.

• Feeling blue? You can nurture your depression at Wallow. Miserable, sad, clearly hungover servers begrudgingly will wait on you and your friends, while the state-of-the-art sound system alternates between Nick Drake and My Chemical Romance. During their nightly Crappy Hour, you'll be able to order from a menu of drinks named after celebrity suicides-- "Another round of Sylvia Plaths?" The lighting in the dining room is an exact recreation of a Norwegian winter.

• (Law And) Order Up! To honor tv's longest-running drama, each table will be greeted by a pair of waiters, one a sarcastic, jaded veteran and the other a headstrong rookie. They will come back about twenty minutes after you order "just to verify a few details."

• Conservatives will be lined up around the block to get into the Grand Old Pub, the only restaurant dedicated to traditional American family values. But get there early if you make less than $50,000 a year, because the wealthiest customers get to order first at the GOP! And, you may have to be patient waiting for your meal, as the GOP's anti-gay stance and removal of undocumented workers has left the restaurant a little under-staffed.