I have had the privilege and luxury of being home this summer with my two teenage daughters.  One is readying for college and time with her is precious and limited, but I did get to take her dorm shopping which filled me with great joy.  (Though my heart is doing a few extra beats at the thoughts of her living and breathing elsewhere).   My youngest is quieter, and I'm usually trying to drum up conversation in the car during rides to friends' houses or her summer volunteer job.  She's usually "hooked up" with an iPod in one hand and the cell phone in the other.  They are just the best kids, and I am so lucky to be able to be home, in the same room with them while they watch TV way too loud (or shows a bit inappropriate, which I have to keep one eye on), or giggle at a YouTube video which they refuse to let me watch -- which makes me wonder BIG TIME  -- or text away to friends I don't even know anymore.  There was a time I knew all their friends, AND their parents, AND where they lived, AND what their dad did for a living.  No more.  Names fly by in their conversations, and I'm feeling a bit clueless and lame these days.  But time to just be with them is all I look for these days.   

But the idea for this essay came to me while I was, once again, picking up my daughter at her summer job.  We're at a traffic light and I find myself pulling at a hair that is way too long on my chin.  Now, I know that's gross, and perhaps some of us can admit to this habit now and then, but I suddenly became very aware of my activity and immediately pulled my hand down, regretting the last few minutes.  How can I expect my daughters to want to hang with Mom when she pulls at a hair in the car?  So, I began to devise, in my head, of things that I do, that parents may do, that truly gross out their teenage kids.  When they were five and saw me do that, they may have let out a big "ewwwww" and gone on with the day.  Now, I can just imagine my daughter swearing, and totally embarrassed, and vowing not to drive with Mom anymore, and will move out. 

So, with that said, here is my list of things that I, or other parents may do, that we must just stop while we're within a few feet of our teenage children...just so that they will, at least, tolerate being with us for as long as possible.

1.  Watch what you wear.  I know, at our age, we are just glad that what we're wearing doesn't have holes in it. But make sure it's clean, that the bottom and top match, that it isn't too "youthful" for your age; wearing "highwaters" is really not recommended.    

2. When shopping with your teenagers, don't insist they say "hi" to someone.  They are already "freaked out" by being with you shopping, asking them to hold a conversation with another adult is way "above and their beyond" their comfort zone.  (If you happen to be with them when you run into someone, don't refer to them as your "baby.")  While we are on the topic of "shopping," don't even, even think you can pick something out for your teen to wear, or even hold in their hand.  That YOU picked it out is immediately grounds for instant hatred.  Don't take it personally, though. 

3.  Yes, do pay attention to your gross personal habits.    You're only with them for a short time, make it pleasant for them.  After all, they're people, too.  Passing gas, picking at things, or biting your nails are all pretty much controllable.  At least try.  Now, if THEY do it, ignore it and go about your day.  They are already under a lot of stress.

4.  While driving don't sing to a song, play drums on the steering wheel, or bop your head to the car radio's music.  Drive like you were catatonic, but pay attention to speed limits, and especially when the TRAFFIC LIGHT TURNS GREEN.  If you are a nanosecond behind, you will hear a grumpy, "GO MOM!" 

5.  Speaking of the car radio.  Immediately upon getting into the car with your teen, adjust the speakers so that the sound ONLY comes out of the speaker on your side of the car.  If you have a teen in the back, make sure the sound is turned off in the rear.   

6.  Refrain from asking, "how was school?"  That is probably the most lame question to ask.  Of course, it "sucked."  Ask them things like, "I'm going food shopping later, what do you need?"  I think kids like to be asked that....it makes them know their opinion matters.  While we are on things "not to say," don't nag kids about cleaning their room, rather, say "can you at least a path from your bed to the window and door in case of a fire?"   Keep in mind the saying, "what happens in their room, stays in their room."  I have not harped on my kids' cleaning their rooms because I am not the ideal cleaner either.  As long as the room is free of bugs, I'm okay with their messy habits.  Their room is their sanctuary.  As long as they can exit safely in a fire, that the window is reachable, I'm good.

7.  Give them time when they get up in the morning..no scratch that..in the afternoon,  to start a conversation.  Even if their college letters came, don't throw them in their face the minute they come out of their room.  Kids need to adjust to many things...that they are still at home, in their tiny room, wearing the pajamas they hate.  Maybe they didn't brush the night before and their breath feels gross, they hate their hair most times, but upon waking, it's tripled. Don't jump into the face or else you've really created a monster.  Show restraint, and after they speak, you may speak. 

8.  Don't flinch when there's something of real importance they have to attend to.  This may conflict with #7 at times.  But here is the reason. Say they have a toothache.  Right to the dentist..don't even give them time to argue.  If they twisted their ankle and they say, "it's fine, Mom, leave me alone," you start the car, and show them the "scary mom, take no sh*t"  face.   But don't overdue that face, you want to just pull it out ONLY for certain instances. 

9.  Visiting relatives.  Let's remember what it was like when we were 15 and had to go visit relatives.  That's pretty much number 1 or 2 on their list of "most hated things they have to do."  If they don't want to kiss grandma, don't make them.  If people are visiting, it's okay to force them to come out and say hello, sit for a bite or a glass of iced tea, but give them a way out.  "Oh, dear," you might say to your teen, "don't forget you have to....get milk."  That will bring such delight to your teen..that you thought more of them at that moment.  That above all things is what they will remember. 

10.  The most important thing of all..despite their protestations, and rolling of the eyes, is telling them "I love you."  They will never, ever, admit they like hearing it.  Because if we fail at items #1 to #9, I think we'll still be okay.