There’s a program on the Discovery channel called “Man Vs. Wild.” The show chronicles ex British special forces and adventurer “Bear” Grylls as he places himself various survival situations throughout the world. The problem with the show is that 85% of the survival “tips” Mr. Grylls offers will probably kill you.

     A typical show begins with Grylls jumping out of a helicopter in some remote location in, say, the American Southwest, South America, or Africa. His challenge is to navigate his way out of the wilderness as quickly as possible. He moves through the wilderness at a breakneck pace, often stopping along the way to place himself in emergency situations in order to illustrate how to survive (in Siberia he jumps into a frozen lake, and in another location he jumps into quicksand). But the major thrust of the show is in showing Grylls crossing the backcountry, usually with no gear save for a small canteen, at an insane pace, eating slugs, bugs, and occasionally raw animal meat. “Bear” Grylls is presented as the ultimate adventurer, a man of action, a real man’s man (I guess that qualifies him as a "bear" right?).

     There was a bit of a controversy last year concerning the authenticity of the show. It seems that old “Bear” was staying posh hotels and resorts at night and venturing out with his crew for day trips to the wilderness. Indeed, the show gives the viewer the impression that Grylls is spending days in the backcountry.

But this fraud is not really the problem with the show. With a film crew in tow I always assumed that he was at the very least sitting around big toasty campfires at night with his crew eating catered meals, and sleeping comfortably ensconced in a high tech Kelty tent. No, the real problem with the show is if you found yourself in a real survival situation in the backcountry, and you followed Grylls tips of survival, there is a high probability you will die.

    The essential problem, and every other quibble I have with the show stems from this original problem, is the reckless speed with which he moves headlong through the wilderness. In fact if you find yourself in a survival situation in the backcountry, 95% of the time the best thing for you to do is to stay put. But even in the extremely rare chance that you would need to walk out of the backcountry, Grylls’ method is irresponsible and dangerous. Often he is shown running willy-nilly through the forest. On more than one occasion I’ve seen him jump into white water rapids to quickly get down a river. He will typically free climb hundreds of feet up or down canyons in order to avoid taking the long way around. On one occasion, in the Alps, he slid down several thousand feet of a snow covered mountainside with two sticks he used as breaks.

    Okay, like I said before, it is usually not a good idea to attempt to walk out of a survival situation. But if you must (a friend is seriously injured, no one knows you’re in the backcountry) there is no reason to run through the backcountry like a spaz, jumping into rivers, and climbing sheer face canyon walls. A twisted ankle, hypothermia, or a fifty foot fall will do no one any good. The only reason I could see traversing the backcountry like Grylls is if a family of psychotic inbred rednecks are chasing you. Then, the Grylls’ method of backcountry survival makes sense.

    Along the way Grylls will ingest an assortment of insects and other creepy crawlies. This is a major focus of the show—“Bear” eating a giant slug! He’s eating a raw snake! In Africa he happens across the eaten carcass of a zebra and noshes scraps of meat from that. Now look, in a survival situation, ants, termites, maggots, and other insects are a great source of protein and energy. My problem here is with the presentation. First of all, if Grylls wasn’t running across the backcountry like an asshole he wouldn’t need to constantly recharge. There’s another reason why it is typically inadvisable to try to walk out of a survival situation. The other problem I have, with the focus on eating creepy crawlies, is the pornographic fascination the program has with these segments. The show will linger on Grylls squishing a giant larva or cockroach in his teeth, blue grey ooze squirting all over his chin.

Jesus Christ. Yes, you might have to eat some bugs in a survival situation. Move along.

    My final problem with the show is that they don’t tell you any of this. The show is presented as an exciting tutorial on backcountry survival. They don’t tell you that “Bear” Grylls is a highly trained special forces adventurer, and that you will never be in the physical or mental shape he’s in. They don’t tell you that Grylls, a group of consultants, and local experts spend days studying the local wildlife and fauna, learning what is edible, what to stay away from, and what to be on guard for. They don’t tell you that if you go into the backcountry without at least a map, a compass, and a passable grasp on basic orienteering you probably deserve to be weeded out of the human gene pool. If they said this, if they stressed that Grylls’ survival adventures are worst case, extreme examples (psychotic, inbred rednecks hot on your ass), and then went ahead with the foolishness, it wouldn’t be so bad. As it stands however “Man Vs. Wild” is about as irresponsible programming as I’ve ever seen. How long will it be before some suburban asshole ventures into the backcountry with nothing more than a tuna fish sandwich and a pen knife, gets lost, eats a poisonous insect or rotten meat from a dead animal, and then jumps into dangerous white water rapids to expedite his escape?

    All that being said, I watch all the time. Grylls is such an asshole and everything about the show is so implausible, it is possibly the funniest show on tv.