Rick,

Dude, I can’t believe you’d punk me like this. There are just some lines that a bro does not cross. It shouldn’t have even been a possibility for you. Yet there you were crying about how MY girlfriend wouldn’t give YOU the time of day.

So you wanted to tell her that you loved her, but you were afraid the “point (was) probably moot.” Of course the point was moot you asshole! She was my girlfriend!  It should go without saying!

What, just because you’re the famous “Dr. Noah Drake” you think women should automatically give it up to you? Well, I’ve got news for you Mr. Hollywood, Mr. Washed Up Soap Opera star, your music sucks, and your acting is even worse. What a wanker. And what’s this shit about “feeling dirty” when Rosanna and I were “talking cute.” Why would you feel dirty? What kind of sick fuck are you? What kind of perverted frotteuristic three-way did you have in mind?

You have seriously violated the bro code here dude. If I ever see you again I’m going to kick your kangaroo ass back to Australia.

Sincerely,

Jessie ‘Fergo’ Fergusson

P.S. Your guitar solo sucks

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Dear Rick,

I honestly don’t understand how you’d think this song would impress me.  

First of all, what do you think of me as, a piece of property to be shuffled back and forth between Jessie and yourself? You don’t even give me a name! I wasn’t Rosanna, I was “Jessie’s Girl.” Hell, you didn’t even really care about me at all! All you wanted was to  “find a girl like that.” Jerk.

And then, you don’t even give me possession of my own body! I can’t love Jessie with MY body in your twisted romantic fantasies, no, I’m “loving him with THAT body.” Is this what you think of me? My body is a THING?  What do you think, I have a few spare bodies hanging in the closet that I pull out for date night? “Hmm, I think I think I’ll fuck Jessie tonight with THAT body. I got it on sale from Macy’s!” Jesus. Talk about intimacy issues.

And my god man, have you got a lot to learn about women. You think that love is supposed to be about being “funny” and “cool with the lines”? What are you 14? Maybe you’d have better luck with women if you weren’t “staring in the mirror all the time” you narcissistic egomaniac.  It’s no wonder I never felt the urge to jump you.

The funny thing is, I was kind of over Jessie when we met.  I even thought you were cute when I first met you. But you just spent most of time I knew you moping around and staring at yourself in mirrors.

Ironically, I did leave Jessie for Steve Porcaro when he wrote that  beautiful song about ME. All about ME. (And you can bet I met him ALL THE WAY)

Suck it,

Rosanna Arquette

P.S. Your guitar solo sucks