My path to religion has been a long and soul searching one. For a time, in my youth, I was a practicing Catholic. During my twenties I alternated between agnosticism and an idiosyncratic blend of Christian mysticism and various tenants of the Church of the SubGenius. By thirty I was flirting with Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSM). The promise FSM made of a heaven full of beer volcanoes and strippers was, I’ll admit, appealing. Unfortunately their annoying insistence on teaching their strange “scientific” dogma in schools (alongside the valid scientific teachings of Creationism and Darwinism) was a bit too much for me.

So I drifted. Despite my unquenchable thirst for religious enlightenment, god would not reveal him/herself clearly. I was a seeker with seemingly no place to go. I felt rudderless, adrift, lost. And then, one night, a couple of years ago, I happened to be curled up in bed reading a copy of Edith Hamilton’s “Mythology” when I saw the light. It was as if I had been struck by one of Zeus’ thunderbolts. Truth had revealed itself to me; there could be no going back.

In short my friends, I worship the ancient Greek Gods. Now, I understand this is not a particularly popular religion anymore. In fact, I’m quite sure I am the only practicing Olympusist in North America, and in all probability, the world (Olympusist is what I’ve named the reformed religion; Olympian was already taken).Because there are so few of us—okay, just me—there are many misconceptions and superstitions about the beliefs and customs contained in Olympusism. Allow me to explain my religion, to assuage your fears, and clear up any misunderstandings you may have concerning my religious beliefs. I only want to live in peace and worship the 14 true Gods.

First of all, any good American should welcome my religion into the rich tapestry of religious beliefs here in the United States. For example, were you aware that it was believers of my religion who invented democracy? Not only did my spiritual forbearers invent democracy, they also invented much of the cool architecture that now stand as tangible symbols of democracy. So put that in your Doric column and smoke it. You’re welcome.

Many of my neighbors have, unfortunately, been a bit off put by some of my religious practices. For instance, this past December I celebrated the festival of Brumalia. Let me set your minds at ease. The roots of this festival are in the birth of Dionysus. In ancient times a man or a bull, representing Dionysus, was ripped apart by a group of women. Later, a new born baby was presented to the women, representing the rebirth of the God. According to the ritual, water is to be sealed into a room, and the reborn Dionysus will turn the water into wine.

 Of course I am not going to tear apart a human or even an animal. That is barbaric (what do I look like, a Mayan?). This past year I used a bucket of KFC to represent the man or bull. My neighbors were still a little upset seeing me tearing up a perfectly good bucket of fried chicken out in the yard. And as far as the water into wine miracle goes—well that hasn’t happened yet. But I’m sure it’s just a lack of faith on my part. I will do better this December.

One festival that I am actually in the midst of is the Festival of Persephone. You may be familiar with the story. Demeter is the Goddess of the Earth and purity. She also controls the seasons. Her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped by the God of the underworld, Hades (basically death). He forced her to marry him. Demeter, in her sorrow, let everything die. The Earth withered. Humanity was facing an apocalypse. It’s a long story, but Persephone is allowed to return for 6 months of the year. So she returns to earth in the spring, and Demeter celebrates her return from the land of the dead by miraculously bringing life back to the dead land, thereby redeeming and saving humanity. This is a special time for Olympusists. I mean if Persephone does not return, if she remains in the land of the dead with her husband, life would not be reborn. Needless to say, it’s an important festival. I am celebrating with many bowls of cereal and many pints of Stout (hey, I don't have a whole lot to go on here, I'm kind of making this up as I go along). 

There is so much more to my religion, more than I could write about here. I could go on about hubris, and fate, and virtue, but I don’t have the space to do it all justice. I'll just try to stick to the high points. Like the fact that my Gods help out. They get involved. I mean, they even sometimes have sex with mortals. That is so awesome. Zeus, the most powerful of all the Gods, has shtupped countless chicks. He especially likes the girls who have never had sex before. Of course the poor girls have a hard time explaining this all to their parents and future husbands, but it totally works out when you get a super kick ass hero like Heracles or Alexander the Great (historians want you to believe Philip II of Macedonia was Al’s Pap, but I know better). Anyway, I would totally be cool with getting down with Athena or Aphrodite, if you know what I mean;). Who says religion has to be all sacrifice and denial? Bring on the hot Goddesses!  

My Gods help out in other ways too. Like, if you’re in a war, they’ll actually choose sides and shit. Having a God on your side is very useful. They can protect you from harm, guide your ammunition, and even smite you enemies. I don’t know why the U.S. government doesn’t look into appeasing the Gods of my religion. Haven't these guys read the prophet Homer? Having Athena, Apollo, or Ares on our side would help greatly in the Middle East (okay, maybe not Ares; he’s kind of a dick).  

Anyway, I’ve got that old time religion folks. I’m not expecting people to believe what I believe. Hell, I won’t even push to get that Dionysus statue erected in the town park. I understand. A lot of unbelievers out there, and that’s cool. I respect that. I only hope to see you all dancing and singing in the golden and glorious Elysian Fields after we die.

Happy Feast of Persephone!

And Happy Easter!

And Happy Passover!

Here to sing you all back home is SAVAE with "Old Time Religion" :