To Meatloaf and Jim Steinman:

Can I call you Meat? I’ll just call you Meat, okay. And you, Mr. Steinman, you don’t mind if we call you The Steinmiester, do you? Good.

 We here at Crimes Against Rock (a department of the Rock N Roll Hall of Shame) have been spending an inordinate amount of time attempting to decipher your 1993 song “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That). We believe we’ve cracked the code, unearthed the essential meaning of the song, and quite frankly, we are as confused as ever about what the hell you’re singing about.

We used every analytical method we can think of to get to the meaning of your hit song. What the hell won’t you do for love!? Strap-ons? Spooning? Putting the toilet seat down? Coprophilia? The song was one stinking load of mystery, so to speak.

 For a while there was a contentious and, ultimately, self defeating split here in the office between those who viewed the song through a strict Straussian structuralism and those who viewed it through Baudrillard’s Precession of Simulacra paradigm (considering the Bat out of Hell II album, this view held sway for some time). Of course neither view made sense, and you’ll be happy to know that we’ve quit drinking Absinthe.

For a time we employed a psychotherapist, a medium, and even a dog whisperer to discover the underlying truth of the song.

We even hired a private detective. We liked him. He was cool, he had a rad car, and a friend with a helicopter. Unfortunately he spent most of his time watching Tiger games on TV and making out with our interns.

Eventually we settled on mass quantities of Troegs Nugget Nectar beer to aid us through a close reading of the song. The results weren't pretty.

(Troegs+Meatloaf + the truth / incomprehensible rock song = Hangover )

First of all, we were unsure about some of the grammatical choices made. For example, in the first stanza you say: “I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that’s a fact. But I'll never forget the way you feel right now.” Okay, why the conjunction “BUT”?  The word “But” implies a contrast. How is the fact that you won’t lie to the girl a contrast to the way she feels to you? Are you implying that while you are feeling her you have some urge to lie to her? And what did this have to do with what you wouldn’t do for love? Down the rabbit hole we go.

You go into this operatic caterwaul about how “some days {she} breathes fire, and some days {she’s} carved in ice” and how you “will do anything for love…as long as the planets are turning and the stars are burning…” Okay. We get this. Yes, we understand that girls can be temperamental, and your love for the girl is epic—a love on a cosmic scale. But what the heck won’t you do for love? Why won’t you tell us?

It is at this point of the song, after way too many rounds of beer pong, that we had our first major breakthrough. You sing: “That I would do anything for love, and I'll be there until the final act - I would do anything for love! And I'll take a Vow and Seal a pact -But I'll never forgive myself if we don’t go all the way – Tonight.”

Ah Ha! Now, we get to the motive behind the song: you want to get down her pants! Okay. This makes sense. "Pull down your pants and have sex with me" is the subtext and motivation for 99% of all rock songs. 

So at this point we’ve deduced that you will SAY anything for SEX. We understand that. Really, we do. But this gets us no closer to what exactly won’t you do for love. The rest of the song, as you know, proceeds in the same manner. How you’ll go to “hell and back” (nice reference to your albums btw), and how you dream of only her…AArggggh! More Beer!

There was one tangential line we took issue with. In fact, we were derailed for some days while discussing its meaning. The line in question:

“Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll.”

Sex and DRUMS and Rock N Roll? You are aware it should read Sex, DRUGS, and Rock N Roll, right? Drums would, obviously, be included in the Rock N Roll segment. Why use drums as a replacement for drugs? I mean, we’ve had some awesome drum circles around here, but they don’t have the oomph that drugs provide. What’s wrong with drugs in the grand scope of Sex and Rock? Sex and drugs have fueled rock music for years. Consider the research:

Anyway, for a time we entertained the notion that drugs were what you wouldn’t do for love (or for good music either). We had to amend this view, however, as we further inspected the song.

By the time we had gotten to the end of the song we began to home into what you won’t do for love. When Lorraine Crosby begins singing we noted the marked change in the tone and lyrics. She sings a few verses along these lines: “Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight? Can you colorize my life I'm so sick of black and white? Can you make it a little less old?”  

And you sing: “I can do that!”

Okay, we are on the edge of our seats now. Will she mention the thing you won’t do? The tension was palpable. It took time. We actually missed it a few times, but finally, at the end of the song, buried at the end of the song, fleeting, almost tossed off casually, is the answer to the enigma of what the hell you won’t do for love:

“Crosby : I know the territory - I've been around, It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, And sooner or later you'll be screwing around.

Meatloaf : I wont do that! I wont do that! Anything for love, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, But I wont do that, I wont do that.”

So, That's the frigging point of the song? That you won’t cheat on her? You sing for almost 7 minutes about what you’ll do for love, how grand and epic your love is, and the payoff is that you won’t cheat on her for love? What? Is it the love you have with the girl or is your love just so big and unwieldy that it spills all over unsuspecting girls in restaurants and bars?

You won’t cheat on her for love.

Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but I can’t think of a situation where my wife would say, “you know, if you loved me you’d have naked time with Angelina Jolie. You must sleep with her—for love.” Frankly Mr..Meat, Mr. Steinmiester, I’d totally have to consider it. I mean, Angelina Jolie! For love! If I’m willing to go to hell for my wife, I think I could muster the courage to have naked fun time with Angelina Jolie.

So there you go. I will totally do anything for love—even that (as long as it were for love. And it was like Angelina Jolie or Kate Winslet. And she brought beer.) All of us here at Crimes Against Rock concur with this assessment.

So, if you know Angelina’s number, maybe we can work out a deal about publishing our findings on your song. The finding could prove potentially embarrassing. We’re waiting…

MJwycha—Crimes Against Rock