Huey,

So, I just received your request for drugs, and um, I have to say, I’m a bit confused. To be blunt Huey: you have got to be the whiniest and creepiest doper in the history of illicit drug use. And that’s saying something.

I was initially surprised to receive a drug request from you. No offence brah, but c’mon, you’re not exactly Niki Sixx here (and I oughta know: he and Leif Garret put my kids through college). I mean, dude, you look like my Uncle Ralph from Weehawken; not exactly my typical clientele (hold on a sec here…just got a page from Slash—those guys from GnR need to chill out a bit—seriously).

First off Huey, I was baffled and disturbed by the creepy way you keep hitting on me during the entire song. You keep intoning that you want a drug “that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you, when I’m alone with you.”

Now, we’ve only had some tangential dealings, so I’m kind of confused why you would want a drug experience that makes you feel like you feel when you are with me. Didn't know I had that kind of impact on you. I mean, I’m flattered and all, but I don’t drive on that side of the road, if you get my drift. 

Anyway, clients usually just tell me what they want, you know, blow, speed, weed, horse, whatever—they don’t normally list what they don’t what their drugs to do.

And frankly man, your list of demands is totally unreasonable.

For instance, you say that you want a drug that "won’t make me sick, one that won’t make me crash my car or make me feel three feet thick."

 Now, given your stipulations here I was originally thinking I’d throw an ounce of kind bud your way, but then you say that the drug should be "one that won’t make my mouth too dry or make my eyes too red."

Alright—so doobage is out. You're a picky muthafucka, aren't you?

Then you get even more unreasonable when you say you want a drug "that won’t spill, one that don’t cost too much, or come in a pill."

Now look man, I’m getting pissed at this point. Pills are out, and drugs that “don’t spill”? WTF? You’re really tying my hands here man.

But what really takes the cake, what really grinds my gears here is that you demand a drug “that don’t cost too much.” What? You got like 7 million tone deaf frat-boy assholes to buy “Sports,” and you want to go cheap-ass on me?

Seriously, dude, if you’re looking for drugs you’d better be prepared to pay market price.

So at this point I’m at a loss and I’m kinda pissed—what kind of drug can I hook you up with here?

But then, then, you proclaim possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard from a potential drug taker. You say you want a drug "that does what it should, one that wont make me feel too bad, one that wont make me feel too good."

WHAT!? So, uh, you don’t want to feel good? Here’s a Newsflash Huey, people take drugs to alter their consciousness—to feel good—THAT’S THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT OF TAKING DRUGS!

So really man, I’ve got nothing for you. The only thing I can think to offer is one of these:

Feel the Power of Love, friend.                    

--Henry “Hightimes” Huffington, Drug Dealer to the Stars.

 See the original video   for "I Want a New Drug" here.