The research staff at the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame has spent long and hazardous hours exposed to songs that are considered crimes committed against rock. This includes good bands gone band and bad bands that got...badder.
To aid our prosecution we enlisted the help of our friend and fellow crime fighter, Ms. Beth Mann.
Check out Beth's page for Crimes Against Rock Part One!
MJ Listens to crimes against rock Beth contemplates Rock n roll justice
COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!!!
CRIME: Wanted - Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: Bon Jovi's crime? Out of control metaphor and indiscriminate face rocking. ("I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all.") Here's the thing Jon, you're not a cowboy, dude. You're a rock star. From Jersey.
Beth: Dead, please.
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CRIME: We Didn’t Start the Fire—Billy Joel
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: List blogs are good but list songs are always a bad idea. They’re lyrically lazy and absolutely no fun to sing. We Didn’t Start the Fire is the exemplar of bad list songs. And did Joel just have the audacity to rhyme homeless vets with Bernie Geotz? Yes. Yes, he did.
Beth: In full agreement. This song gives me a headache. We may have not started the fire, but that doesn't mean this song shouldn't die a slow, fiery death. I think Joel should also be held accountable for Uptown Girl. God, that song makes me want to impale myself.
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Crime: Born in the USA - Bruce Springsteen Verdict: Hung Jury
MJ: I disagree with this one being on the list. It's a song about a veteran. As a vet myself, I cannot dis this song in good conscience. The biggest crime in regard to this song was Ronald Reagan mistakenly thinking the song was some sort of patriotic paean and using it for political purposes.
Beth: First off, this song has been played ad nauseum. If someone told me that Born in the USA would be eradicated, never to be heard again, I'd file my nails and ask "What's for dessert?" And secondly, while I'm a Jersey girl, this is Springsteen at his screechiest and most constipated-sounding. His vocal cords sound like their being drug over broken glass. And it's a little to "Ra Ra, Go America" for me as well. I feel like someone force-fed me the flag.
MJ: Actually Beth, the song isn’t “ra ra, go America” –it’s a song about the decaying of the American Dream, the chorus is meant to be ironic.
Beth: Yes, but its come to represent something that's ra ra, I think. No one listens to the lyrics. They just hear Born in the USA - the patriotic anthem. It almost has become like one of the awful country tunes, with that "I drive a truck and I'm an American, damnit" feel.
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CRIME: I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meatloaf
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: I spent an inordinate amount of time deciphering this incomprehensible and overblown suck-o-rama. Doctors believe I have still not fully recovered.
Beth: Yes, this song is comically bad. I'd actually turn this one up and listen just to be happily tortured. I want to be on the train for this wreck. (And clearly it's about reverse-dildo sex.)
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CRIME: Hollaback Girl—Gwen Stefani
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: I have no idea what a “hollaback girl” is, and I'm pretty sure this is a crime against rock, but Gwen Stefani is so dang adorable that I'm going to have to pass. I think I'm in love with her.
Beth: Gwen Stefani is a bit of a poseur. She's not a rocker, she's a wannabe. "I'm just a Girl" almost classifies as rock but that's because a rock band influenced her. Her work makes taffy seem complex.
MJ: Work? Who was talking about her "work"?
Beth: Making you about as complex as taffy. One of our only females on the list and you need to objectify her? Nice. Kudos for your evolution and stuff. Kegger in the future?
MJ: You're right. I should be more mature - like how your meditation on the sexiest men in rock explored the musical nuances of chord progression, polyrhythms, and the jazz time signatures contained in the intellectual musical stylings of Jared Leto. And what was that about beer?
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CRIME: Hot! Hot! Hot! - Buster Poindexter
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: In which David Johannson embraces the '80s. So, uh, anyway, the New York Dolls were awesome at least.
Beth: No, it's not, not, not. Dear God, what was that all about? Let's pretend this never happened. Shhh...keep walking, keep walking...
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CRIME: You're the Inspiration - Chicago
VERDICT: Guilty!
Beth: Ugh. Another band that everyone thinks sucks because they don't know about early Chicago. Its like newer Chicago shat upon older Chicago.
MJ: Who was the genius who put Peter Cetara in charge?
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CRIME: Love in an Elevator - Aerosmith
VERDICT: Guilty!
MJ: So, Aerosmith's life had become so empty and shallow that they found artistic inspiration in having random and meaningless sex in elevators. Way to keep it real Areosmith. Jeez, you guys should have just stayed on drugs.
Beth: It's no Janie's Got a Gun, for sure. (A good tune for chicks who are feeling a touch homicidal.) But yeah, Aerosmith - it's not quite rock and roll to me. Not at this point. Earlier Aerosmith, yes. (Though I confess, I kinda like Pink.)
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Crime: Shiny Happy People--REM
Verdict: Guilty!
Beth: Wow, I forgot how much I dislike this song. It's almost as bad as Stand ("Stand in the place where you work, now face north! You know what - don't tell me which direction to face, REM. I'll face east just to spite your ass.)
Ultimately, Shiny, Happy People is the Barney of rock tunes.
Barney says "Thanks for stopping by you shiny happy people!"
Check out Beth's page for more headbangers (and not in that rock and roll sort of way.)
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Comments
Oh, that probably explains the super annoying factor then!
And yeah, the line is very blurred on what is considered "rock"--though that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I question the jurisdiction of the jury, though. Is this really rock at all? OK, I'll accept Bruce, Aerosmith and R.E.M., but Chicago? If we're going to include even fluffy poodles, why are The Eagles allowed to escape the long arm of the law? Their crimes are legion.
I just knew that was gonna be high on one of these two lists.
Alas.........I am wrong again.
Curious what Eagles tune you think is a train wreck.
But she's a whole other post...
I liked the tag-team posts with Beth--very nice!
You love me
Let's get a gun and kill Barney!
With a bang-bang shoot-em-up
Barney hits the floor
No more purple dinosaur!
Leaves humming.
(correctamundo about all except Bruce's song. Ironic and beautiful, it just got played to death)
But, the two postings have given me some ideas for some more music posts of my own.
("Stand in the place where you work, now face north! You know what - don't tell me which direction to face, REM. I'll face east just to spite your ass.) Agreed.
Bon Jovi? To my ears: The pits
I've always also thought Tom Sawyer(or anything really) by Rush was a major earsore but figured they were respected by their peers or whatever.
Very enjoyable feature! Thanks.
The Eagles, btw, are guilty not only of crimes against rock, but also against country, blues, and humanity.
"record store snobbery and condescension chatter" - that's wonderful! - from michael rubenstein
"tag-team posts" - good term and technique we can use again, from spotted mind.
as for the pop/rock differentiation:
- Stefani claims to be a "rock star" - hey, look at the "cute" little tag hanging from her Gucci belt. Why it says it! In plain language. Her music MUST rock.
- Chicago WAS a rock band - there's no doubt there. You'd have to have a good argument for me to think otherwise. I liked Kathy's comments about what they signified at the time. They had a fucking horn section! How sweet was that.
- Billy Joel may be a tough call but he has a heavy pop sound and I think HE wouldn't classify his music in either direction. "Don't Ask me Why" or even "Big Shot" - is that pop? I don't think so.
So, as a present, just in case you haven't seen it. Patti Smith, singing you light up my life.
Sadly, no one is innocent in rock.
In case Norwonk doesn't respond -- essentially every damn thing the Eagles did is a crime. The band defines middle-of-the-road consumer product.
Fernsy, yes...you are right. Rush was forgotten and shouldn't have been. It was an oversight by MJ....ha...
Stim and Norwonk, I think we have a problem here. The Eagles don't suck and don't represent rock mediocrity - there are bands FAR more mediocre than The Eagles.
Their harmonies are always dead-on, they have a tight, well-worn band. So many good members. And good, well-crafted songs. They're too tight a band with too many solid musical skills to be called mediocre.
I can see how you might think they're a little soft or something, I suppose. They don't really rock out in the traditional sense. Hmm...but not mediocre.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPospvRqP_s
And Juliet--that Patti Smith vid hurt my head. Thanks, I think...
Fingerlakeswanderer you said: "I assume that somewhere in the great cosmic list has to be Celine Dion's cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long." --If that exists it will be my new favorite song!
A small number of legitimately great songs (e.g., "Against the Wind", "Main Street", "Night Moves",) are the Washington Generals compared with the Shitty Harlem Globetrotters of "Katmandu", "Old Time Rock and Roll", "Shakedown", "Rock and Roll Never Forgets", and "Rock and Roll and Rock and Roll and Rock and Roll". (Okay, I made up that last one, but it wouldn't surprise if that's the name of his next song. Or AC/DC's, another group that probably should make this list in the same way as Seger--a few terrific songs and many shitty ones.)
Also, I think I found Cindy Ross's trainwreck tune...and its a killer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzcM4ikD5Bo
And MJ, look at the hit we take from Ron67 at the end of my comments...and boy does he have some nerve considering what he has posted on his page
...oh dear, look at me - I'm gossiping on OS.
Actually, I had to come back and defend Bon Jovi. It's been eating at me all day. He is the excepting to the sucking in later years rule.
Yes, Dead of Alive is silly crap but our little boy is all growed up now. He does the best, and I mean the very best, version of Hallelujah ever. Check it out. The dude can sing!
Thank you and good night.
Just sayin'...
I will say this about Bon Jovi: the lead singer sure is purty. And he keeps getting purtier, that's what's weird.
http://julianastone.com/blog/media/1/20090422-jon_bon_jovi.jpg
I will say this about Bon Jovi: the lead singer sure is purty. And he keeps getting purtier, that's what's weird.
http://julianastone.com/blog/media/1/20090422-jon_bon_jovi.jpg
"this is Springsteen at his screechiest and most constipated-sounding." YES, you have described the sound absolutely perfectly.
Great job, you guys. I am sure the beer is the only way you made it through!
You hit one of my hot buttons with Chicago. Their work with Terry Kath was phenomenal and had so much originality. Post-Terry Kath, they became a pop joke. I liked Peter Cetera better as a condiment, not as the main dish. He was very effective in this, one of my Chicago favorites.
Sorry, but as much as I dislike Cetera's, Stefani's and Meatloaf's songs--all of those artists, plus Beth's choices, BAD are still more listenable to most contemporary music GOOD.
The worst thing that ever happened to radio was losing personality-driven radio programming. Payola aside (and what entertainment medium doesn't have its dark sides?), Top 40 radio was one of the greatest milestones of anyone's rites of passage while growing up. Dick Clark's AB was a Sat a.m. staple; I always watched it before going out that nite to remind myself of how to dance. Not that it really helped, but it was the ritual of youth that I still remember fondly of that time.
I cannot STAND to listen to most radio today. Given the resurgence of those old bands, I'm hardly alone. Just like I don't really watch a lot of TV b/c it's just too inane.
I truly feel sorry for young people today and the dearth of talent that passes for music these days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-wHixgp2RE
In full agreement with Elsma.
I think someone should come up w/a radio station, streamed via computer, w/programming we WOULD listen to.
I'm planning for retirement in the next few years, and that's 1 thing on my list (after I find another job to supplement the .50/mo allowance that retirement will provide me). One of the formats I'd like to see is classic big band/Latin jazz (again, something I remember from growing up: listening to that music while my parents went out for the nite). But classic R&R would work well nicely too.
I think something like that would really find its audience. There are too many of us out there who feel likewise. And who knows? Maybe contemporary musicians would learn at last to find some talent--and radio-listening youth might--MIGHT--learn to recognize talent from noise...
Did you guys forget Kansas' mopey Dust in the Wind?
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again - you're the freaking man when it comes to spot on music reviews. Seriously.
And thanks for rightly pointing out that "Born in the U.S.A." is anything but a cheerleading song. President Reagan tried to hijack it for that purpose but Bruce didn't let it happen.
Music should never be judged by how casual listeners (I should say cavalier listeners) think they hear it. It's a great tune that qualifies as a genuine anthem of truthiness.
Rated and appreciated.
Re: Born in the USA
Lemme see if I can get this straight. You include a song because you don't understand what it's about. When it's pointed out that you don't get the song, you maintain your stance, saying, (in effect) "Well the fact that I and others aren't smart enough to understand it proves that I'm right in including it on this list."
Sheesh...what a maroon.
btw, my eight-year-old nephew adored Weird Al Yancovik's takeoff of Meatloaf's song, which he called "I Would Do Anything for Lunch"
One of my main issues (which I clearly mention in my review) with BORN IN THE USA (caps intended because that's what the song sounds like to me) is the grating vocals, not just meaning. It's bombastic and lacking in nuance.
Listen - don't lecture me on Bruce. I was BORN listening to the man. That song is not one of his better songs. Its like marching band music.
And frankly, just because its about a vet doesn't make me like a song...I mean, really, what kind of message is that? Does that mean every film about war is good just because?
It's that slippery slope I find very dangerous. I should like it simply because its political messaging resonates with you. I call bullshit to that.
And elsma--same goes for you. Sure there's a lot of dreck that gets popular, but that's always been the case. It's important to separate and identify popularity from quality and influence when discussing music. And get yourself a satellite radio for goodness sake. You'll be happy you did.
Cap'n, dude. Way to stick up for me! Though, you might want to watch out--Beth is talking the plank for you.
stim--you're right about the Eagles. MOR crap. No wonder punk took off during their heyday. Just thinking of the Eagles makes me want to bump The Clash.
Nikki--Good observation. You're thinking of MST3K--Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'm a big fan. I got the idea to write about crappy music from that show.
Really enjoyed the rest, though I mostly like REM (yes, Automatic for the People). I have a real loathing for Huey Lewis, so feel vindicated...rated.
That's why I go to Phish concerts instead!
90% of what they played wasn't rock at all. It was London-Liverpool singy-songy sing along music for beer swilling pub goers. Ditties. It had no connection whatsoever with rock's origins in R&B. String them up with Meatloaf.
I agree there is a big difference between a Chuck Norris Vietnam flick and "The Deer Hunter." For my money, "Born in the U.S.A." is "The Deer Hunter" rather than a Norris movie. But then that's what's cool about music. One person's grating vocals are another person's much loved anthem.
As much as I love Bruce Springsteen, I am with Beth on "Born in the USA." I chalk it up to his being married to the movie star at the time.
But holy earache, Juliet, with that Patti Smith clip. Her "Frederick" is a sappy little bit of happiness about how much she loves her husband, which is totally cool. But this? I fear I will be hearing it in my head all day long.
This is quite a statement coming from a hillbilly hipster from the middle of nowhere!
For Eagles, even I suffered from "Hotel California" in parties...