So, uh, it’s probably best to get this out of the way before continuing on with our series on Bob Dylan. Although this will be painful, it’s best if we just come clean with it, right up front. Admit it, and move on.  

Here’s the thing readers: Bob Dylan is guilty of a rock n roll crime so heinous, so terrible that most people refuse to even acknowledge it. Chances are that casual fans are unaware of this. Over the past 20 or so years there has been an unofficial cover up of sorts—the reason most of you have never heard about what I am about to reveal.

But it happened—this thing—and it was bad. Oh, it was very bad.

To wit:

In 1987 Bob Dylan starred in the Hollywood movie Hearts of Fire.

There. I said it. I feel a little bit better...kind of like after you vomit...

Now look, I imagine that the hardest and most challenging aspect of being a living legend like Dylan is that he doesn’t have anyone around him to say “Hey Bob, this is a fucking stupid idea.” But really, I have to ask, why didn’t anyone stop and tell Dylan that this movie was a fucking stupid idea?

The first clue that Hearts of Fire is a major suckfest is the “screenplay by Joe Eszterhas” credit. You are no doubt familiar with Eszterhas as the wordsmith behind stinkers like Basic Instinct and Showgirls. Well, Showgirls is frigging Rashomon compared to Hearts of Fire. 

And then there’s the director, Richard Marquand. Poor bastard. Famous for directing Return of the Jedi, Marquand never recovered from this travesty, and sadly died shortly after completing the film.  Hearts of Fire is literally known as “the film that killed Richard Marquand.” That, and of course known as the worst thing that Bob Dylan has ever done.

The plot (such as there actually is one—it took me a few viewings to actually find a plot) involves three musicians at various stages of their careers. Dylan plays “Billy Parker,” a reclusive and aging legend who returns to help a young up-and-comer realize rock glory.  A now forgotten 80s pop singer named Fiona plays the hungry young singer, while actor Rupert Everett plays a pop idol at the peak of fame. I have literally seen better acting in high school stage productions of  Bye, Bye Birdie. It will actually take you a little while to realize that this is not a comedy—they’re playing it straight. (My guess is that the main goal for this film was to jump-start Fiona's music and film career. Dylan's name primed the pump, so to speak.) 

The movie wants to say big important things about fame and music and keeping it real or some shit like that. I think. I can’t really be sure though because I was distracted by the strange poofy 80s hairstyles and the weird multi-colored pastel and fringy clothes everyone was wearing.And then there was the godawful disco-pop music pumping throughout. Is this what cocaine did to people’s fashion sense in the 80s?

But none of this would have mattered with a handful of Dylan tunes and footage of Dylan kicking ass and taking names on stage.  I mean, it’s the killer footage of Dylan on his Rolling Thunder tour that makes the otherwise disturbing and inscrutable Renaldo and Clara worth watching. And Dylan’s awesome performances are also what make the weird and goofy Masked and Anonymous such fun.

So what does Dylan give us musically for Hearts of Fire? A John Hiatt song (The Usual). What? What?

A second-rate John Hiatt song? @#$%&*!

And get this, in the logic of the movie, The Usual is the song that Dylan’s character is most famous for.

What?

@#$%&*!

Did I mention the soul-sucking disposible synth-pop everyone else plays? Dylan seems to be condoning all this! How could you?

@#$%&*!

It’s rumored that Dylan did the film for money—he got a cool million for appearing in this sucker.  Maybe, and in the end I don’t really blame him. It’s not like he had a whole lot going on artistically in 1987. There was this and finishing his Down in the Groove album, which everyone remembers fondly, right? Right? Hello?

So, yeah, he might have done it for the dough. But I like to think Dylan’s motivation was more, uh, spiritual; I like to think that when Dylan got the script he randomly flipped to the scene where he jumps into the lake with a naked Fiona, and came away, uh, inspired.  I’m a romantic that way.

Well, anyway, there it is. Bob Dylan’s crime against rock and cinema. If you are really curious, really twisted, and have a strong stomach, it’s available on iTunes for rent—just don’t tell me about it. I don’t want to know.

And now, let us never speak about this again. Ever.

 _{Trailer for the movie Hearts of Fire and the Hearts of Fire single by singer "Fiona"}

_{(shakes head) Crimminy...}