What is the real difference between famous people and the rest of us? I have no idea. But sometimes I think the major difference is the ability for the famous to actively pursue childhood dreams of pop stardom. While most of us are confined to inflicting our mediocre singing to shower stalls, camp fires, and karaoke bars, famous people have the means and connections to “rock out with their cock out” on a much grander scale.

I mean seriously, if Steve Jobs decided tomorrow he wanted to share his bitchin’ piccolo abilities with the world he’d have Moby, Kanye West, and the Dust Brothers lined up to produce the album by the end of the day along with a 17 city arena tour lined up with 3 Doors Down as his opening band: “See Steve Jobs Live! Prince of the Piccolo--this Friday at Madison Square Garden!”

For the good of the order, and the sake of hilarity, we offer six studies in musical crossover bungles. Yes, these famous people  should have just kept their day jobs:

6. Eddie Murphy--Party All the Time
1985. Eddie Murphy had emerged as one of the most popular comedians, and had Hollywood crossover success with 1984’s mega-blockbuster Beverly Hills Cop. Why not cut a record with the superfreak himself, Rick James? What could go wrong? The song went to #2 on the charts, which leads us to believe that a significant portion of the population in 1985 got their drugs from the same dealer as Rick James.

5. Clint Eastwood sings cowboy favorites--Bouquet of Roses
In fairness to His Eastwoodness, Clint was still an ambitious up-and-comer when he recorded a series of bubblegum pop and country songs in the early ‘60s. But still. Man. Now, don’t take my word for it, but I’ve heard tell that this “Clint Eastwood” was gunned down in the Italian countryside a few years later by a tall stranger without a name.

4. Garth Brooks is “Chris Gaines”
This made no sense. Brooks already had crossover success. He was one of the biggest names in music during the 1990s. So why this Chris Gaines thing? Apparently it was part of some ill-fated movie about a tortured pop star, and Brooks released the album “in costume.” Frankly, we tip our hat to Mr. Brooks for the artistic ambition (something not seen in Nashville for quite some time).

Unfortunately the music, the attitude, and the style were vapid and silly. Garth Brooks pretending to be dark and edgy--all while singing the lyrics to the hopelessly corney “Let’s Get Together”.

2. Bruce Willis as Bruno

Look, we acknowledge that Bruce Willis is a cool cat. We also acknowledge his inherent bad-assness, and immensely enjoy his movies (except for that last Die Hard--Dude, what was up with that?). But his misguided turn as “Bruno” is, well, disappointing.

No, not that Bruno. I'm talking about the R&B singing slob that from the ‘80s.
Where to begin here. The Return of Bruno is like listening to someone vomit on the soul of rhythm and blues. And what kind of world do we live in where Bruce Willis’ version of “Respect Yourself” is more popular than the Staples Singers?

1. John Ashcroft lets the eagle soar, and it takes a crap all over America.
Here’s something: I was a staunch Republican before I heard John Ashcroft’s take on “Let the Eagle Soar”. An hour after listening to our former Attorney General let his eagle soar I found myself wearing hemp, reading Marx, and plotting my move to Berkeley California.

Seriously Mr. Ashcroft, stick to eroding civil rights or eating babies or whatever the hell it is you do these days. You and music are not on friendly terms. Oh, yeah, and stay the hell away from those other singing Senetors too. You all suck.

I’ve heard it said that it was Ashcroft’s version of “Let the Eagle Soar” that served as the catalyst for Wikileaks. It’s some serious bad man. You can watch a performance of the song here. Not recommended. 

"Let The Eagle Soar" does reveal it’s brilliance and insight when listened to backwards. “So we eat him who fell. His meat. For ohh!”