At what point to you look at the picture and think that there is something wrong with it?
A series of events deduced the amount of visitors I had this past weekend, which was perfectly fine by me; however, the company I did have were mildly there. My life is messy, complicated; I am used to being violently kicked while sharing a bed with my toddler, and used to his sleep crying in the middle of the night. I am used to getting on the floor and playing cars, and watching the same movie over and over......and over again. This, I feel, is a parent thing. You gradually learn to tune things out and listen when necessary. My brother and sister are not used to these things.
My sister hardly slept the first night because of Mikah's cries and his amazing ability to forget that there are other people in my overly sized bed. This happened the last time she visited too but he slept in his own bed until like 3 a.m. so that is a vast improvement. The whole weekend I felt like I was an inconvenience. My car, literally falling apart while we are in it, my house was a mess because I just didn't feel like I wanted to scrub and clean the entire house just to make me feel good about the appearance, my laundry unfolded, kitchen was a mess (dishes were clean, but not put away). I think it has always been like this though. I feel like an inconvenience because I just have the type of relationship with either of them the way they do with each other. They played "Words with Friends" the entire time, with each other. Which should not bother me, but on some unconscious level I feel unworthy to be a part of their world. Their world consists of jobs of working with people and making a difference, their non-falling-apart modes of transportation, and their ability to travel and do things. I just don’t fit into that. It does not usually bother me until it does and now it seems that that is all I can think about. Mikah did not notice, at least I don’t think he did. Does this make a difference at all? Because when it comes down to it, I want a relationship with my brother and sister the way that they have a relationship, and for the life of me, no matter what I have tried in the past I just don’t fit.