I’m a mistake-maker.  I’ll admit it.  I have lots of “why did I just say/do/think THAT!!”  One of my first mistakes as a mother was not having children when I was in my 20’s.  I’d be done by now and basking in the glory of a job well-done (or bailing someone out of jail, or raising my grandchild – but let’s think more positively about my child-rearing!).

Instead I’m grappling with whether or not I want my tween to friend me on Facebook.  I’m a little spicy sometimes.  My tween does sort of know this, but not with the hard evidence she’d find on some of my posts where I use the F word liberally.  Or those posts where I whine about my life. 

So, before she sees my status updates and finds out just how neurotic and vulgar her mother is – here are my top ten mistakes as a middle-aged woman and mother:

1.      Sometimes I actually do put myself first.  I know – you’re supposed to do that, but not when it comes to cookies or texting my friends on my phone instead of helping my kids with their homework. 

2.      I’m not the lady my mother was.  To this day I have never once heard my mother utter a cuss word.  Her status updates are typically benign and cheerful – except for the one where she let loose on me and my sister for not visiting for Easter.  My mother is never salty or crass or classless, even if she is the guilt-master.

3.      At least once a year I look back at pictures of myself over the past twenty years and cry for three days.  I can see the sparkle I used to have leak away frame by frame.  And then I promptly blame my children.  They are only responsible for ten pounds of baby weight apiece and really – I’ve had a decade to drop it.

4.      I avidly follow some really tasteless reality television.  Which is not so bad.  But I once took television away from my daughter for a week because she was hiding Teen People magazines under her bed.  I’m always telling her “that stuff is crap and will rot your brain!” when we’re in the checkout lane at the grocery store, yet I can pretty much recite the entire chain of events leading to Lindsay Lohan’s recent jail stint. 

5.      I’ve been dieting for years.  Okay, so I’m taking care of myself, right?  Eating well, setting a good example, etc.  Except that when I’m on a diet what I feed my family is frozen taquitos and canned soup. 

6.      Sometimes instead of following my own instincts I act by committee.  This is a useful strategy when working with a group on projects, not so good when you have to say, “hang on honey, mommy can’t give you a yes or a no until I consult with my team.”

7.      I forget to have closed-door conversations.  My kids really know too much about my life.  They haven’t learned to listen around corners and down stairwells because they are just in the room.  This is especially trying with my tween – a girl who was born at the age of 30 and really thinks she’s got this whole adult world thing figured out.  I should have whispered more often.

8.      I cry over spilled milk.  I’m sorry, I’m a pretty picky housekeeper and that whole thing about not worrying about the dirt in your house so you can just enjoy your kids?  Yuck. 

9.      I have anger-management issues.  I’m not one of those patient mothers who can very calmly explain transgressions.  I’m a yeller.  They should consider themselves lucky that I don’t cuss at them.  Just this weekend they painted each other with left-over latex house paint and it was everything I could do to not yell, “Goddamn it all to hell you little fuckers!”  I am the Archie Bunker of mothers.

10.   I work too much.  I always thought having a business I could do at home would leave me time for making cookies and working on homework in the afternoons.  Maybe it would, but I’m probably too busy texting and reading TMZ.

Whew.  Guess I should go and scrub my Facebook account of all inappropriateness and get ready to gloss over my motherly imperfections!  I’m going to have to de-friend Lindsay Lohan and quit following The Real Housewives of New Jersey.